Feeling Connected Means Feeling Better
When a parent pours in their attention a child feels really seen. Even if they haven’t been openly signalling, through whining, tantrums or other common “attention-getting” behaviors that they need your time and adoration, a regular dose of Special Time keeps children feeling more content. It’s a great way to “fill their cup.”
One-on-One Time Keeps Behavior On-Track
This kind of uninterrupted one-on-one time deepens the connection between parent and child. When Special Time is established, there is space and time for intimacy. Over time, their trust and communication grows. If there is something troubling a child, they may show it through what they say or choose to play.
“You might see a bit more affection, a bit more laughter, or you might hear about issues or experiences they haven’t talked about before,” says Patty Wipfler in How Special Time Makes Children Content.
And if they can rely on this regular dose of closeness and communication, they are less likely to act out in other ways. They become more willing to cooperate, more ready to connect.
“Every parent I know who has started doing Special Time with their child has told me that they see significant changes in their child’s behavior, ” says Dr. Laura Markham.
Making Time For Special Time
When children have siblings, their fight for validation and attention is real, making one-on-one time even more essential. If Special Time is a way to build tight bonds, it is also a way to say “you’re seen,” “I have your back,” “I care.” It is a real antidote to some of the fears that plague sibings most:
- Are they better than me?
- Why can’t I be more like them?
- Mom and Dad love them more than me
- No-one ever notices me in this family
You might find Special Time works better for different children at different times. Try picking up on trouble spots in the day, and see if you can squeeze in a few minutes of connection before it gets hard.
If your child has particular issues getting up on a school day, five minutes of Special Time will benefit when you first wake up. If another is wound up after pre-school, you might plan to offer 5 minutes when they come home.
Still, scheduling Special Time when you have more than one child can seem challenging. Don’t stress if you can’t make it every day, but do try and notice when it is definitely needed and have a plan to include it on a regular, on-going basis.
Tell them that you plan on spending one-on-one time with each of them in addition to the time you spend together as a family. This will help to lesson rivalry and bids for your attention.
Six Ways To Do Special Time When You Have More Than One Child
Here are six other ways to consider when you want to do Special Time and other siblings are around.
1) Invite one friend who plays well with both over to play. Have that friend play with one while you do Special Time with the other, then switch. By then your children may be able to play well with one another so that you can give Special Time to the friend!
2) Do very very short Special Times in a Round Robin. Spend two minutes each with each child, and have a little cozy place to sit or some activity for the ones not having Special Time. The first child gets 2 minutes. Then the second. Then the third. Then start again with child number 1. Go around enthusiastically, at least 2 or 3 times, scooping up the “waiting child” each time. This can be very messy when you first experiment with this. Over time, you may be able to lengthen the time you expand with each child.
3) Do short Special Times that involve the sibling. In this twist, the sibling does what the Special Time sibling wants, and then they trade. It’s not classic, full-on Special Time, but can work.
4) Get one or two other parents together for a Special Time round-robin. Two parents hang out with all the children except the one getting Special Time. Then swap roles so that every parent gets to do Special Time with each of the children. After that works a few times, you can try taking a longer time, where each parent gets to give a different child Special Time too. This is great for building friendships!
5) Wake up early with one child each morning. Spend five minutes chatting, snuggling or playing what they want before every one else is wakes up. Working Special Time in this way helps everyone get regular time.
6) Get Online. This depends on your screen-time values, but try having a loving grandparent or aunt or uncle (or even a working parent who has flexibility at work) hang out on video chat with one child or more while you do special time in another room with your other child.
We’d love to hear from you if you have tried out other ideas fitting in Special Time successfully when you have more than one child. What worked? What definitely didn’t?!
New to Special Time? Find out how to set up Special Time with your child and see dramatic transformations in your relationship. Get these free videos and Special Time checklist now.Â
Do your siblings tend to fire off at each other leaving you in the middle? Read this for what to do When Siblings Have Big Feelings at the Same Time
Find your online village with the Hand in Hand Parent Club Community.You get Weekly Zoom Support Calls, 24/7 Coaching in our private discussion group, plus weekly Learning Labs for deep dives into your biggest parenting challenges. Learn to implement the Hand in Hand Tools with confidence for consistent results as you create more cooperation and peace in your home. Welcome to the Parent Community!
