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What is Hand in Hand Parenting?: Day 8

In the last of our series of Listen Launch Posts, Patty Wipfler talks about how children’s deep down fears can erupt in patterns of aggression and how releasing those fears comes through a loving and supportive presence.

Unlocking Secret Fears

Fear underlies many of our children’s persistent struggles. It makes it hard for them to say a calm goodbye as we head off to work. Fear also drives physical outbursts of aggression, and the impulse to grab rather than wait for a turn. The child who shies away from participating in an activity they love is probably scared. So is the child who never raises their hand in class, and the one who constantly disrupts.

You may be able to put your finger on a few incidents that might have frightened your child, such as a difficult birth, an accident, an illness, or sudden changes at home, but experiences that seem harmless and matter-of-fact to you can also cause trouble. A few claps of thunder, your car running out of gas on the highway, one shouting match with your partner—any of these events could frighten your child, and make relaxation difficult for them without your help.

If no one listens to the intense feelings that come up the moment a child gets scared, those feelings are stored away, raw and powerful still, in the child’s emotional memory. There they sit uneasily, tangled with information about the sights, sounds, smells, tastes and textures of the experience. So a day, a week, or even years later, your child may experience a flashback, and once again be gripped by that stored fear in the course of their daily life.

Understand the Impulses

A scared child—like scared people of all ages—is suddenly flooded with emotion. They feel unsafe, whether there’s real danger or not. As they react, they will fight, flee, or freeze. They need your presence, but as you’ve probably discovered, your presence alone doesn’t make them feel better. A fearful child feels profoundly alone.

In defensive fight mode, they may argue, lash out, or grab for something they knows is off limits. If they are in flight mode, they’ll back away from a situation, refuse to engage, or they may actually run. If the situation is truly overwhelming, so much of their mind shuts down that their protective instincts drain right out of them. Terrified inside, they freeze and acts as if things are normal until the danger passes.

Whether they fight, flee, or freeze, your child can’t think when they are scared. And without help from a caring person, they can’t get their mind back in gear.

When your child shows you they’re scared by lashing out or by shrinking into themselves, they are asking for your help. They react instinctively, guided by their body’s urge to stay safe. The behavior they use as their flare isn’t their choice. It’s a distress signal.

Their behavior says, “I’m in trouble here!”

Offer Them a Gift of Release

Most of us were taught to avoid feeling afraid at almost any cost, and when adults tried to help us with our childhood fears, the tools they used were crude. They threw us in the swimming pool when we were afraid to swim, or painted our thumbs with a bad-tasting potion to “cure” us of the thumb-sucking that marked our shy moments. These kinds of experiences give us no feel for the art of truly lifting fear from our children’s minds and hearts.

Most children release heavy fear when an unmet expectation, a tiny accident, or some other minor trigger sets off an extraordinary reaction. Suddenly, your child feels deeply threatened. As soon as you arrive, their limbic system senses the safety you bring, and their body goes out of control. Up comes the impulse to run away or to attack. They’ll scream. They may writhe. They will sweat. They may tremble or arch their back. They may battle with you or with unseen forces, screaming all the while. It will look like their mind has left them, and in a way, that’s true.

Terror infuses their entire being. This highly charged process can transform your child’s life—and yours— but it’s challenging. Their feelings throw them onto a kind of haunted-house ride through the worst experiences they have ever had. Yet they are fully aware of your presence. In fact, your presence is what enables them to try and shuck this terrible fear.

Using tools like Special Time to continuously boost his sense of safety and connection, Playlistening to promote the laughter and regular light release coupled with Staylistening, where you stay with your child in support through loud crying and outburst will help lift and release these fears. The aggression will die down and good humor will return.

How long it will take your child to overcome their fear depends upon how scared they are and how safe they feel to show you their fears. If your child has been carrying a load of fear for awhile, it may take a couple of months of focusing on Special Time and Playlistening before they can begin work on their deeper fears. Then, working through terror may take many rounds of Setting Limits and Staylistening. But each time you use a Listening Tool, you’ll learn new things and change will come.

This post is adapted from the book  Listen: Five Simple Tools To Meet Your Everyday Parenting Challenges by Patty Wipfler and Tosha Schore.

From the Hand in Hand Toolbox

• Read about the Five Tools That Will Transform your Parenting and how they closeness to you and your child
• Help your child’s aggression with this free video series
• Buy the book Listen.

The post Are Secret Fears Driving Your Child’s Aggression? appeared first on Hand in Hand Parenting.

As a toddler, if he wanted my attention he’d climb up on my lap and turn my face away from whoever I was talking to. 

If he did not want to go to preschool – and that was often – he would stall from the minute he woke up. 

And on those days?

He would not eat breakfast. 

He would not stop playing. 

He would not get dressed. 

He would not put on a coat or carry a bag. 

He would not leave the house. 

And he would not, no, he definitely would not, climb the stairs up to pre-school. 

You can guess where all of this ended? A raging tantrum or meltdown.

And all the while I heard my dad’s voice in my mind: “Just make him do it.”

Oh Dad, how I tried. 

I was doing all the things to stop tantrums—but nothing worked

When I looked online I read that a good strategy to stop tantrums was to ignore them. As in walk the other way. Maybe it works for some kids. But not mine. In fact, ignoring his protests and defiant “No’s” seemed to fire up his fury. 

So, I tried to ignore them other ways. I tried to stop tantrums from happening at all. First I tried to go with his flow, thinking that would make everything rosy.

If he wanted toast instead of oatmeal, I made it. If he wanted to leave without a jacket, sure. If he wanted to stuff his bag with 3000 legos, two fat, heavy books, his dinosaur stuffy and his favorite pen (which I would have to lug around for him), go for it. I just wanted things to run smoothly – even if I was fuming inside. 

But it would take an age to do anything. I got annoyed and lectured, while he covered his ears, or yelled. 

If that didn’t work, I tried fake threats. I’d say things like, “I’ll have to call your teacher and you can tell her why you don’t want to come.”

Naturally he soon found out I was bluffing!

After setting limit after limit on whatever I wanted to be done and seeing it ignored, I became a champion barterer. I exchanged cookies for goodwill. I exchanged no showers for a smooth bedtime. I exchanged more time for eventually leaving without any big upsets.

Seriously,  “Just one more minute and then we have to leave,” became a regular mantra. 

After that, I resorted to yelling and timeouts.

But honestly? Nothing worked.

“I burned with embarrassment…”

My son’s frequent response was to lay on the floor shouting, crying, and refusing to move. His tantrums seemed epic. There felt no way to stop them.

We regularly got to the point where all I felt I could do was peel his rigid back off the floor, scoop him up into my arms and carry him howling to where we needed to go. 

I burned with embarrassment. I walked with my head down trying to avoid all the judgy looks I imagined going on around me.

The only upside, it seemed to me, was that I developed some seriously sculpted arms, because after not too long I found myself carrying my big, strong, rambunctious three-year-old everywhere. 

But it was clear.

Although my arms were strong, my resolve was weak. 

He ruled the roost while I felt I had zero control over anything. It soon seemed like the whole family was skipping to his beat. 

Any parenting expert would tell you that this was not a good place to be. A 3-year-old cannot handle that kind of power. And my heart grew heavy when I thought of all the years of parenting still to come. I imagined him as a 15-year-old, lying beneath his covers, refusing to get up and go to school while I stood by powerless. 

I knew I needed to change things, but how? It felt like I’d tried all the parenting tips and tricks ever dreamed up. 

I had no real clue how to make a meaningful change that would actually work. 

Until I discovered a whole new way to respond to his behavior. 

Why doing these things won’t stop tantrums

By toddlerhood most kids are experimenting with boundaries. It comes with a natural desire to exert independence. And testing boundaries is good, as children begin to learn what happens as a result. Seen this way, testing limits is quite a grand experiment in cause and effect. 

But, it can be frustrating, especially in toddlerhood, when some children test boundaries thick and fast. 

And yet, saying no all the time can make us parents feel like the fun-sponges of childhood. Who wants to be a fun-sponge?!!

We may also second-guess our decisions. Would an extra cookie really hurt? What’s five more minutes anyway?

Most of us also felt the wrath of an angry adult when we were kids. It hurt. It felt unfair. Like we didn’t get a say. As adults we vowed to respond to our kids in a kinder way. But how does that work if they won’t listen?

The hidden costs when parents avoid tantrums

The thing is, by saying yes, I was trying to avoid upset. I was trying to keep things happy and jolly for both of us.

But this was dancing on eggshells.

By saying yes like I did, or by giving so many choices, by trying to placate or even barter, I was teaching my son that if he negotiated enough, my “no,” would become a “yes.”

It could happen fast, or it could happen later. But soon he knew. If he cried, screamed, got angry or cried I’d try everything I could to fix things – until I lost it. 

As Hand in Hand’s founder Patty Wipfler explains in her post, When Your Kids Will Do Anything To Get Attention, the child becomes the centre of things. The squeaky wheel who “uses the threat of a disappointment, a fight, a whine, a descent into desperation, or an explosion that, on some days, can be triggered by any tiny thing.”

It sets you up for regular daily battles. It’s exhausting.

And although I felt like I could stop tantrums by giving in, I soon saw that the tantrum didn’t disappear. Instead, we’d battle over a million other little things until one of us got angry, screamed and cried. 

Which is why learning that tantrums are a good thing was a monumental mindshift.

Tantrums are good for your child. Here’s why…

In an effort to keep things less explosive, I’d been running from tantrums. An effort that returned dismal results. Hand in Hand Parenting advises welcoming them. 

Crying and tantruming are a natural way for kids to offload emotions and feelings. As natural as their desire to test limits. 

Life can feel a tough and daunting place for children, just as it can for us. Toddlers face many frustrations and fears – from eating, to dressing, to friendships, to play and new experiences. All of that fear and frustration can mount up in a child’s body. It can be too much to process. Overwhelming. Challenging behavior is a first signal that your child may have feelings bothering them. After this, it shows up in crying, upset, tantrums and meltdowns.

Crying releases the child of these tensions.

When a cry finishes naturally, what follows is often a period of calm because the fear and frustration has been released. 

In fact, listening to your child when they let out their anger, tears and frustration can be helpful in many ways. It can:

• Help validate a child’s feelings: When we can listen to a tantrum, we show our children that all feelings are valid. Sadness is just as valid as happiness, anger is just as valid as joy. (This felt pretty radical to me, because I grew up in a family where these emotions were not welcome). 
• Help a child regulate their emotions: Welcoming tantrums gives kids good opportunities to learn how to self-regulate, to notice how situations or circumstances cause them to feel things, how that feels in their bodies, and to work through the uncomfortable feelings. 
• Build a strong connection between you and your child: Getting comfortable with tantrums shows your child that you are there for them through thick and thin. 
• Demonstrate empathy and acceptance: When we can treat kids and all their feelings with empathy and acceptance, they will grow up to do the same for themselves and those around them. I think we’d all agree that the world could use more folks who know how to handle emotions. 
• Build resilience: When you stay close and calm with a tantruming child, you hold the trust that they will work through the emotion and come out feeling brighter and freer. They learn that they control their feelings, not the other way around. When feelings scare them, they can fight the fear and do things anyway. 

Thing was, because I had tried to stop tantrums, this process was halted.

By the time I had placated, bribed and bargained, I was in no shape mentally to listen to a big cry. Very often, I was also out of time. By scooping my child up and carting him around, I forced him to do what was necessary, but did not recognise or respond to the frustration and genuine upset behind the behavior. 

“How can listening stop tantrums?” I asked myself…

So how do you actually pull off this tantrum-welcoming, trust-and-resilience-building feat?

You’ll know days when tantrums are brewing.

These are days when everything seems a bit more difficult for your child. When they find it hard to focus on a task. They can’t play. They often refuse to do what you ask. 

To test the waters, it can be helpful to say yes once to when they refuse or get grumpy. (Just once is fine!). 

Say your child refuses to wear the shirt you picked out. They want a different one. 

Try saying yes just that one time. 

If your child puts on the new shirt and moves on happily, all good. 

If your child puts on the new shirt but continues whining or gets defiant you know it’s time to set a limit around the next thing that comes up. Very often you can expect some strong feelings from your child about your limit. 

A framework for setting limits your child will listen to

This is Hand in Hand’s framework for setting a limit. 

Listen:

Stop, listen and think. Before you act, think about what might be causing your child’s dissatisfaction. This includes the part I just described – is your child satisfied after you say yes once? 

Or, is what you have asked them to do beyond their ability? For instance, waiting silently in line for too long? Could you lighten things up by playing a hand game or have a staring contest. 

Are you exhausted? Are you thinking about saying no to something you might usually say yes to because you don’t have the energy, like play or getting paints out? It’s fine to change up your usual rules and standards, but explain why, and that your decision is based on your needs. This may or may not be acceptable to your child. (You’ll soon find out!).

If you can’t figure things out, try asking your child what’s happening for them. Get on their eye level and ask why they are yelling or are unwilling to share. Listening to their reply can help your child offload their feelings before their behavior escalates. 

And if they are already yelling, raging, or loudly refusing, you already know. It’s time to move to a limit.

Limit:

Before, this would be the moment I’d angrily insist my son get his shoe on (which he’d throw at me). Or I’d tell him off for holding us up. It got me nowhere. So I learned to bring the limit calmly. To do this, act first and talk second. Move in close. Hold a hand that is about to throw a shoe. Make eye contact. Bring the limit. 

“No. We don’t throw shoes.” 

Keep it brief, keep it light, keep it firm. You can even say it sing-song. And then keep quiet. Your child’s feelings are likely to bubble up right about now. 

Listen:

Tune into your child and listen. You really do not need to say much other than, “I know it’s hard,” or “I’m right here.”

You may notice your child squirm, sweat, or struggle to run away. Try to stay close and kind. Taking this time just to listen will help your child recover and return to a more even state later, but try not to rush for calm to return. 

Sometimes you will rotate through this listen, limit, listen cycle again, or even a few times. You will see your child naturally come to a calm state after they work off the feelings and emotions, and sometimes that can seem to happen fast while sometimes it takes a while. 

What I’ve noticed is that moving in and starting this process the minute I see my son going off-track is most helpful. When I set the limit early, I side-step a day full of complaints and whining, a day where my son refuses request after request. 

When I remind myself the tantrum is helpful, when I breathe, take a minute to engage, and then listen, we often have a great day. 

My son, happy and light, laughs a lot on those days. He comes out with bucketloads of knowledge bombs with facts and stats I never even knew he knew. And, he actually becomes very co-operative. 

Resisting crying can sometimes feel easier

Even though I know the healing power of a good cry, I still resist my child’s tantrums some days. I tell myself I can’t listen to anything, let alone welcome his upset. 

Part of me wonders if it’s because my mind reverts back to those early days. I still expect a day full of battles and I say yes more than once – until I catch myself. 

Other times I just feel tired.

Sometimes it’s because I still misinterpret his behaviors. I’ve noticed that he resists tantrums, maybe because he senses I am reluctant to welcome them. Instead, he asks for snacks, more TV, or for me to look at him doing whatever he’s doing. Seen from the outside, it’s obvious. He’s seeking connection. But caught in the moment I still often overlook these small yet insistent requests.

On days when I start to feel annoyed and can’t quite put my finger on why, or days I know I don’t want to listen, I ask myself questions like these:

• Has my child resisted me more than three times? I wonder what’s going on?
• Is my child going through anything new or different that may have caused extra fear or frustration?
• Have I set a limit using the listen-limit-listen approach, or have I given a half-hearted no. This is when I don’t make eye contact, or I say a no from the kitchen when my child is in the living room.
• Am I feeling too tired or drained to deal with crying and upset right now? This is ok, by the way. I’ve found a few days can pass and then my son might cry after we’ve had a good time together – when I am way more open to listening. Kids can be so smart that way. 
• Am I very involved in a current or planned task, so my child has not fully been able to show or release feelings? Just noticing this sometimes allows me to step away for a few minutes to be with him. 
• Have I played, laughed or connected with my child recently? See below for why this is useful. 
• Do I have negative feelings about my child’s defiance, whining, or upset or around the subject that may be causing their behavior?

The questioning process allows you to catch up with yourself and check in with your child in the moment, and is often the time I go to him and set a limit. You may also uncover habits or patterns that are helpful for the future. 

For instance, I always found listening to “It’s not fair,” whining tricky because those words were banned in the house I grew up in. It’s hard to listen and be empathetic when you were not listened to, and I’ll hear myself lecturing rather than listening.

Another time, I noticed my son’s defiance would flair if he felt rushed. He needed more space and time than I did to get something done. This was at odds with my style, which is often rushed and last minute. “Quickly popping out” for milk could easily become an epic battle of wills until I realised that this easy task for me was actually difficult for him. 

How Good Planning Can Help Stop Tantrums

If I wanted him to tidy crayons away before dinner, he needed to know early on that I expected that – not when I was carrying plates of piping hot food to a messy table. (You have no idea how many times it took me doing that before the realisation clicked!).

These days I try to plan better, but also to listen more if he has feelings about being rushed. 

One great tool for de-mystifying seemingly surprise acts of defiance and upset was in my Listening Partnership. This is where another parent and I listen to each other over the phone.  Having them listen while I got to muse, wonder and complain about things (like how unfair it felt to me to have to plan), definitely eased the negative charge I had and helped me stay calmer and more laid-back when the same thing happened later at home. 

Incidentally, I’ve also noticed his “It’s not fair,” quickly gives way to a requested task getting completed if I lightly shrug and give an empathetic nod. Hoorah!

This was of setting limits has, for us, been instrumental.

We do not fight like we did. I don’t see so nearly as much resistance. Limits are not associated with anger. They help us get more done. In fact, I actually need to set limits a lot less.

These six other ideas stop tantrums before they start

This does not mean that you have to listen to hours and hours of tantrums. (Show me the parent who would sign up for that!). 

In fact, listening and holding space for your child’s tantrums often results in fewer tantrums, simply because your child’s backlog of feelings is regularly released. 

But there are several other things you can do to stop tantrums happening as often. 

These ideas boost your child’s sense of connection with you, which keeps them feeling secure and confident. They also offer your child alternative opportunities to work through and release emotions. Use them together for maximum results. 

Special Time – This is a special way to play one-on-one where you hand control to your child for a small window of time. There is a dual benefit of doing Special Time. Your child gets to call the shots, giving them an opportunity to exert that much craved independence. They get your undivided attention, which keeps them feeling warm, cosy and connected with you. If we’ve had a busy few days, I increase the amount of Special Time because it is so effective at rebalancing my relationship with my son. There is a free guide on Special Time here. 

Physical connection – Physical touch is a great way to build connection. This creates a natural sense of ease and belonging. Try a morning hug, ruffling your child’s hair, rubbing noses, piggy-backs, swing-arounds or blowing raspberries on your child’s belly. 

Empathy – When you empathise rather than offer solutions, your child feels heard. “Oh, you didn’t want to wear those pants today? The others are dirty. I know, it sucks!” 

Play – Vary quiet, bonding play, like drawing, sand and mixing potions, with loud, competitive play which helps your child release their feelings through movement. Try hide and seek, chase, and pillow fights. If you let your child “win” most of the time, they’ll experience extra bundles of good delight often. (Here’s why it’s OK to let your child win).

Laughter – Sometimes my child gets what I call the zoomies, where he gets loud, smacks me on the butt, rushes around the house and does other things I used to find annoying. Until I realised these were his connection bids. Once I stopped chastising him and started meeting his energy instead by acting like a goof-ball myself (underpants on my head is always a win) he’d laugh and laugh. Laughter is a great way for kids to release lighter fears and frustrations. 

Playlistening – I think of this as “play with purpose”. It’s play that you set up to generate fun around areas your child finds tricky or difficult. If your child is like mine and doesn’t like to leave the house for school, pick a time when you don’t have to be anywhere and “play” around leaving. Get dressed all wrong and pretend to leave. Or say you are leaving and then head to the kitchen or wardrobe and pretend it’s another world. Tell a plush toy it’s time to leave and have the toy whine and complain and beg you to stay. You are really limited only by your imagination, and as long as your child laughs, you’ll know things are going well. This kind of play can be a wonderful way to lift any negative charge that has built up around a situation. It works best if you can set up the play and then let your child lead what happens during your time together. (Here’s why…)

You’ll find that when you begin to use all these strategies through the weeks and months ahead, changes will happen. 

Your child will listen when you set a limit. Limits will be easier for you to set, and tantrums not such a heart-wrenching experience. You will feel close to being that patient parent you want to be. Your child’s outlook will shift.  You will see less resistance and defiance. Your child will feel more free and able to comply with your requests. 

And even better, you will feel a deep sense of closeness, connection and understanding of your child. 

That has been the most surprising and most rewarding benefit for me. 

My son’s fiery fury is long-gone

If your child is testing limits and fights every request you make, I hope this post helps. Identifying whining, resistant and defiant behavior as a symptom of a deeper need was a major turning point for me. Setting a limit and then listening took me time to believe in and to practice – and many days I resisted. I’m sure there will be times like this for you too. But if you keep at it I know you’ll see results. 

What gave me hope was seeing my son beam at me, happy and content, when his cries were finished.

And, over the last few years, he is lifted from the heavy burden of carrying all those feelings around everyday. His anger and frustration are gone. He seems so at ease, and has grown into a confident, funny, very intelligent boy, who is increasingly willing to try more new things. (Play dates! After-school activities! Broccoli!). 

He is still an inspired negotiator, and with the fire and fury behind it gone he is turning this skill into an actual asset. I’m no longer his enemy, I’m his parent, his coach and his biggest champion. And I no longer worry about how he’ll turn out at 15. 

If your child often resists your requests, gets angry and defiant, I know how long the days can feel. Try these tools. Embrace the cries. They may feel like the opposite of what everyone else is doing, but they work.

Do let me know what changes you see in your family. I can’t wait to hear about your transformations. 

The post Seven Surprise Ways To Stop Tantrums In Their Tracks appeared first on Hand in Hand Parenting.

In daycare and pre-school settings, there are many cries for many reasons. Children missing parents. Children that need the bathroom and don’t know how to ask. Children that hate the chaos and din of a classroom. Children wondering why dad didn’t come home last night.

And now imagine how many of those cries get shushed or go unheard.

For teachers, it might seem a tall order that children should be encouraged to cry – especially when their workloads are hard, stuffed with to-do’s, activities, and changes and nap-times.

Yet some teachers are seeing the power of listening to tantrums and tears in classroom.

What Good Listening Looks Like

“Just the other day I had some Staylistening time with one of my little guys. He could not stop being “teasy” with two of the other children,” says Geri Kelly, head teacher at Topanga Community Preschool.  “He was pushing, knocking over toys, laughing at them and then running away. I caught up to him and said, “Come here. I want to be with you.”

The pupil reacted badly to the apple Geri was holding at the time. “Don’t hold me! You have an apple! I hate apples! Don’t touch me with that apple! I’ll stop! You got apple on me! Your breath smells like apple! I’m hot! You’re making me hot! I don’t like apples!” he yelled.  But she wasn’t put off. She stayed with him for 10 minutes as he screamed until finally tears came and she had got to the reason behind his troubling behavior.

He felt alone.

He cried that he wanted his mommy, who was out of town, says Geri. “I listened. I told him I would keep him safe. He slowed down, then asked to read some stories,” she says.

This kind of release can actually be helpful in class, she says. Anxiousness and worry often results in preschoolers acting unruly, being inattentive, distracted or even aggressive. Crying gives them a chance to offload that build up, and once done, many enter a new state of calm and contentment.

Psychologists recognize that when the brain’s limbic center, the part of the brain in control of emotional responses, gets flooded, rational thinking shuts down.

Crying can give kids the release they need to offload, move on, and get back on track.

Geri, who has worked in early childhood for 15 years, began using Staylistening, and other Listening Tools like it, as she brought up her own kids. Although the Tools can be challenging to use in larger groups at times, she says, they’re adaptable.

Although she would have liked to offer the boy more time to work through his feelings one-on-one, “There were other children to be cared for, and the story option seemed to meet the most needs at the time,” Geri says. Together, they read stories with about five other children and then they all went back to peaceful play when the last page was turned.

Emerging Empathy: Against the Grain on Aggression

This kind of empathy and attention is at odds with traditional shame and punishments commonly employed in classroom settings. Those discipline types bring immediate responses and are frequently what nursery teachers are trained to use, but they seem outdated and unfair to children says Austin-based preschool teacher and Hand in Hand Parenting Instructor Laura Minnigerode. “These are such young children. They are just little kids,” she says.

She has used Staylistening with children in a few different daycare settings, sometimes with very aggressive children to help treat tightly held underlying fears. She admits that resistance can come from co-teachers and other members of staff. “I passed one teacher the booklet on Healing Children’s Fears part of the Hand in Hand Listening To Children Booklets. We both agreed it could have been written for one of the girls in our class,” she says.

Yet the girl’s crying bothered the teacher, and so Laura had to take her out of class when she cried. Others say children should not be allowed in school if they can’t be quiet.

But seeing the developments preschoolers make when they are listened to inspires Laura to keep using the tools. She often adapts Special Time, a tool where kids receive periods of undivided one-on-one time, into “a moment of delight,” where she watches them attentively and with adoration for a minute or two. “Even that, feeling like someone is really present, makes a difference,” she says.

More Teachers Using Listening Tools

And she senses change coming slowly. As a new generation of younger teachers enter classrooms they seem much more eager to veer from traditional models, perhaps especially as neuroscience shows us more and more about how children’s brains develop and process information.  Since most teachers join the profession with a real drive to see children learn, the close bond that tools like Staylistening promote looks compelling. “We want children to learn and they learn better when they are connected,” says Laura. “For a teacher, that’s an amazing thing.”

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The post Meet The Preschool Teachers That Listen to Kids appeared first on Hand in Hand Parenting.

Toutes formatrices certifiées que nous soyons, nous traversons les mêmes sentiments que tout parent. Dans ce récit, Chloé Saint Guilhem partage une prise de conscience qui a été très aidante pour elle, pour aborder plus calmement les moments de tensions entre ses enfants.

De l’art de gérer les disputes entre enfants de façon constructive

Les bagarres entre mes enfants prennent parfois une tournure très virulente. Cela fait plusieurs années que je le constate et qu’en tant que maman, je tache de faire face à cette situation de façon à assurer la sécurité de chacun et à préserver la relation entre mes deux fils.

Je suis consciente qu’il s’agit d’un problème multi-facettes et il m’est clairement apparu que j’allais devoir puiser dans l’ensemble des outils d’écoute de l’approche parentale Hand in Hand, pour mieux les gérer en tant que parent et permettre à ce que ces épisodes d’agression mutuelle soient plus espacés les uns des autres.

Ainsi, le jour où j’ai décidé de me concentrer sur ce problème, j’ai commencé par offrir à chacun de mes fils, des Temps Particulier de façon plus rapprochée – ne serait-ce que cinq minutes par jour – pendant plusieurs semaines. Au bout de quelques jours seulement, je voyais déjà que les occasions de se bagarrer étaient devenues plus rares.

Depuis longtemps déjà, je connaissais également le pouvoir du Jeu-écoute pour face face aux disputes entre enfants, alors j’ai redoublé d’efforts pour me montrer plus joueuse et susciter le rire chez mes enfants, dans ces moments-là.

Mais la clef la plus importante pour me permettre d’appréhender les épisodes d’agression entre mes fils, s’est présentée lors d’un Partenariat d’écoute.

Un outil privilégié pour explorer les émotions qui nous envahissent en tant que parents

Cela faisait plusieurs semaines que j’employais mes Partenariats d’écoute pour explorer ce problème dans ma vie de parent car pour être revenue sur des épisodes de ce type entre mon frère et moi lorsque nous étions enfants, je sais au fond de moi que mes enfants s’aiment profondément, que leurs impulsions agressives sont en dehors de leur contrôle lorsqu’ils portent des tensions émotionnelles en eux et qu’à aucun moment, mes fils ne souhaitent réellement blesser leur frère.

Pour moi, il était donc important d’agir de façon juste et en assurant leur protection lorsque leurs bagarres prennent une tournure agressive et incontrôlée. Pourtant, à plusieurs reprises depuis des mois, je m’étais vue saisie par une émotion intense de colère face à ce genre de scène entre mes enfants. Une colère telle que j’avais littéralement envie de leur hurler dessus en les sommant d’arrêter de se disputer immédiatement, voir de les séparer brutalement…

Je me trouvais alors comme prise au piège entre l’intérêt de m’éloigner quelques instants pour ne pas laisser ma colère exploser face à mes enfants et la nécessité d’intervenir pour les empêcher de se faire mal l’un à l’autre. Et de fait, si je n’étais pas parvenue à retenir ma colère ou à permettre que cela se termine autrement qu’en agression et en crise de larmes pour mes deux enfants, je ne me sentais franchement pas fière de moi.

Un jour, j’ai donc décidé d’explorer celle colère qui montait en moi face à mes enfants en pleine bagarre et quelle ne fut pas ma surprise en découvrant son origine probable. Dans mon Partenariat d’écoute, en toute sécurité, je me suis autorisée à m’exprimer avec toute l’intensité que je ressentais dans ces moments là tandis que ma Partenaire d’écoute m’offrait simplement cet espace d’écoute, calmement, et dans l’accueil. Les mots qui sont sortis alors étaient : “Arrêtez tout de suite!”, “Je ne veux pas voir ça!”, “Je vous interdis de vous disputer !”, “Je ne veux même pas que ce genre de scène existe devant mes yeux!”

La clef qu’il me manquait afin de mieux gérer les forts moments de tension entre mes enfants

Et soudainement, en l’espace d’une seconde, je me suis revue petite fille, face à mes parents en train de se disputer – comme cela arrive malheureusement à tant d’entre nous. Je n’émets aucun jugement envers mes parents à ce sujet, car je suis pleinement consciente que comme nous tous, ils ont fait de leur mieux en tant que parents avec leur histoire à chacun. Mais quel déclic ça a été pour moi de me décoller des émotions liées à ce souvenir et de pouvoir me dire aujourd’hui face à mes enfants, que je ne suis plus cette petite fille à la fois terrifiée, enragée et impuissante face à ses parents qui se disputaient de façon virulente !

Depuis que j’ai pris conscience de cela, je ne sens plus jamais paralysée face à mes enfants qui s’apprêtent à s’agresser mutuellement, je n’ai plus envie de leur hurler dessus et j’arrive beaucoup plus souvent à intervenir pour éviter que leur bagarre ne se termine mal. Aujourd’hui, la plupart du temps dans ces moments-là, je suis capable de me concentrer plus pleinement sur la connexion entre eux et moi, soit en passant par le jeu – en les amenant à faire équipe contre moi par exemple – soit en me plaçant simplement entre eux et en restant pendant un moment avec eux, jusqu’à ce que la tension redescende.

Pourquoi cela fonctionne

Avant de devenir parent, rien ne peut nous préparer aux sentiments douloureux ou explosifs du passé qui remonteront immanquablement à la surface, face à nos enfants. Ces sentiments qui n’ont pas pu être accueillis lorsque nous étions enfants – et qui sont plus nombreux que la plupart d’entre nous ne l’imaginons – ont été comme “mis de côté” dans un région spécifique de notre cerveau. Mais, ils sont toujours prêts à ressurgir lorsqu’un stimuli extérieur vient les réveiller. Or nos enfants sont des experts en la matière puisqu’ils nous ramènent quotidiennement à l’âge que nous avions, ou à la scène qui s’est produite, lorsque nous les avons ressentis pour la première fois !

Le problème est le suivant : lorsque nos émotions du passé viennent se coller aux situations que nous avons à gérer avec nos enfants, nous risquons de réagir en les culpabilisant et en les dévalorisant. Mais ces sentiments négatifs ne feront que s’ajouter aux sentiments qu’ils portaient déjà en eux et qui sont la véritable cause de leurs comportements débordants.

Les Partenariats d’écoute entre parents sont le moyen à la fois simple et extraordinairement puissant que propose l’approche Hand in Hand, pour pouvoir décharger nos propres émotions en tant que parents et ainsi aborder un nombre grandissant de situations avec nos enfants, avec plus de recul et de légèreté.

Se libérer d’une émotion pesante du passée est une expérience qui apporte un immense soulagement en même temps que cela ravive de la joie en nous. Au fur et à mesure que nous gagnons en clarté vis-à-vis de notre propre histoire, nous nous sentons plus fiers et confiants en tant que parents. Au final, le Partenariat d’écoute est un moyen très efficace pour mieux se relier avec ses enfants ; c’est pourquoi nous recommandons à tout parent de l’essayer !

The post Quand des sentiments du passé t’empêchent de rester calme face à tes enfants appeared first on Hand in Hand Parenting.

Autrement dit, l’agressivité ne serait jamais intentionnelle chez les enfants.

Revenir à des souvenirs de mon enfance

Durant mon temps d’écoute avec une autre maman, cette évocation m’a amenée à repenser et à reparler de ma propre agressivité vis-à-vis de mon frère de deux ans plus jeune que moi, lorsque nous étions enfants. Le fait qu’un autre parent m’offre une écoute bienveillante et sans jugement m’a donné suffisamment de sécurité pour accéder à des sentiments qui étaient restés enfermés dans mon cœur d’enfant depuis de nombreuses années.

En effet, étant plus grande et plus forte physiquement que mon jeune frère, il m’est arrivé à plusieurs reprises dans des moments de conflits, de le taper ou de lui crier dessus. Je ne me souviens pas de tout cela en détail, mais je me rappelle surtout d’un membre de ma famille qui m’a répété jusqu’à l’âge adulte combien j’étais “méchante” avec mon frère, lorsque nous étions enfants.

Accéder à des sentiments de culpabilité enfouis depuis longtemps

Je me suis longtemps sentie mal avec cela et grâce à l’écoute que j’ai reçue, les larmes ont commencé à monter, puis je me suis réellement mise à sangloter. J’ai alors senti une tristesse et des sentiments de culpabilité profondément enfouis en moi : et je suis certaine qu’il s’agissait bien de pleurs d’enfant qui étaient restés enfermés jusque là.

Durant mon Partenariat d’écoute, j’ai imaginé que je m’adressais directement à mon frère et je lui ai exprimé combien j’étais triste pour toutes les fois où je l’avais blessé, que ce soit physiquement ou émotionnellement. Je n’avais véritablement jamais voulu lui faire de mal ! J’avais aussi besoin de lui dire toute ma tristesse vis-à-vis de la certaine distance que ces épisodes d’agressivité l’ont amené à mettre entre nous, pour se protéger, enfant.

Mais quel soulagement après cette libération d’émotions ! C’est comme si une partie de mon cerveau se réveillait d’un long sommeil…

Ce que cela a changé

Mon regard sur les gestes agressifs des enfants ne sera plus jamais le même depuis que je me suis reconnectée avec ces ressentis là. Etant maman de jumeaux et intervenant dans des crèches en tant que psychologue, il est clair pour moi qu’en tant qu’adultes, c’est notre responsabilité et nous devons faire de notre mieux pour protéger les enfants vis-à-vis de ces gestes (pousser, mordre, taper etc…) qu’ils ne contrôlent pas.

Et lorsque nous arrivons trop tard, je suis certaine qu’il ne sert à rien de gronder et de culpabiliser l’enfant qui a eu ce geste, car cela ne fait que s’ajouter aux sentiments douloureux qui étaient à l’origine de son agressivité, au départ.

Pour aller plus loin avec Hand in Hand :

Découvre les cinq outils d’écoute de l’approche parentale Hand in Hand qui peuvent t’aider à devenir un parent plus calme et plus confiant en lisant Cinq outils d’écoute qui vont transformer ta façon d’être parent. Nous sommes plusieurs formatrices certifiées Hand in Hand qui œuvrons à faire connaître cette approche auprès du public francophones ; n’hésites pas à te mettre en lien avec l’une d’entre nous !

The post Le jour où j’ai réalisé que l’agressivité est hors du contrôle de l’enfant grâce à un Partenariat d’écoute appeared first on Hand in Hand Parenting.

“Mes enfants me rendent folle quand ils utilisent le mot “S…” et quand ils traitent leurs parents et frères et sœurs de “stupides” lorsqu’ils sont en colère. Il me disent, “Tu es stupide” ou “Stupide Maman!” J’imagine que peu à peu, mes enfants vont apprendre de plus en plus de jurons et j’aimerais savoir comment les accompagner au mieux pour leur apprendre à surveiller leur langage. Que me suggérez-vous ?”

Merci pour ton questionnement au sujet des enfants qui disent des gros mots à la maison. C’est la suite parfaite du débat que nous avons eu sur le ton et les mots qu’ils emploient pour nous parler dans l’article, Don’t take that tone with me !

Pourquoi les enfants acquièrent-ils un langage grossier ?

Quand les enfants utilisent un langage grossier, ils peuvent ne pas comprendre ce que les mots signifient littéralement : c’est le ton qui s’imprime en eux, et c’est le ton qui doit alerter les parents. Cette charge émotionnelle électrique irrite son délicat système interne et les mots s’impriment dans son cerveau innocent comme des petits morceaux de boue. Par la suite, quand l’enfant se sent isolé, menacé ou énervé, les gros mots et le ton agressif ressortent aussitôt, tels qu’ils les a entendus.

Ce n’est pas vraiment son intention de dire ces mots, mais il est littéralement incapable de penser à une autre façon de signaler qu’il se sent mal. Il est énervé. Son comportement signifie, “tu vois à quoi je suis exposé? C’est méchant et ça me perturbe. Je vais te montrer comme c’est horrible.” Puis il te raconte ce qu’il a entendu ou vécu à l’école ou dans la rue.

Les interventions traditionnelles ne sont pas efficaces sur les enfants qui utilisent des mots grossiers

Si tu dis à l’enfant d’arrêter, et que tu te mets en colère contre lui, il s’arrêtera peut être par peur, mais la colère et la peur entravent son intelligence. Il est très probable qu’une expérience de violence de plus ne fera que le faire recommencer bientôt. S’adresser à un enfant avec agressivité ne fait qu’aggraver la tension dans laquelle il est. Ce n’est pas la meilleure façon de faire, bien que des générations de parents aient réagi de cette manière trop vive. L’enfant utilise ce langage silencieusement, dans sa tête, il rumine sa colère, et tout cela explose plus tard après avoir bien macéré. Nous avons tous eu cette expérience: “Vas y. Fais moi taire maintenant. Tu paieras plus tard”, c’est l’attitude amère qu’entraîne une punition.

D’un autre côté, raisonner un enfant qui parle grossièrement ne marche pas bien non plus. Raisonner peut servir parfois à le distraire quelque temps, mais cela n’atteint pas la tension émotionnelle qui l’habite, la tension qui sert de scène pour ce comportement violent. C’est la cause véritable de ses troubles, et c’est cette tension qu’il s’agit d’aborder.

Il est important de ne pas laisser s’installer ce comportement injurieux. Les enfants craignent que l’on ignore leur comportement blessant, et il pèse sur tout le monde dans leur environnement. Il faut trouver une réponse qui honore leur bonté, et qui freine vraiment leur dureté.

Commence par toi-même !

Si tu réagis avec de la tension, de la colère ou des débordements, tu n’auras guère de souplesse avec ton enfant, tant que tu n’auras pas géré ton trop plein de sentiments. Il y a des questions importantes auxquelles les réponses t’aideront à apaiser la situation de façon à pouvoir vraiment aider ton enfant.

Trouve quelqu’un à qui tu pourras demander de t’écouter, juste t’écouter, pendant que tu parles de ce qui se passe en toi lorsque quelqu’un utilise un langage injurieux. Tu n’as pas besoin de conseils. Tu n’as besoin que de l’attention et du soutien de quelqu’un pendant que tu explores ce qu’il y a derrière ton explosion de colère au moment où ton enfant a besoin de ton aide.

Cette montée d’adrénaline provient d’une tension qui résulte de ta propre expérience. As-tu été sévèrement punie pour avoir parlé de la sorte ? As-tu été témoin d’une punition de tes frères et sœurs ? Quel genre de langage tes parents ont ils usé quand ils étaient en colère ? Que déclenche en toi le mot utilisé par ton enfant en rapport avec ta propre expérience ? Ces questions sont importantes et y répondre peut te mettre en contact avec ce que tu as ressenti étant enfant, comment on t’a traité, et te rappeler cette attente de proximité. Une bonne crise de larmes et un bon fou rire t’aideront à te relaxer.

Essaie de te rappeler que tout va bien aller pour ton enfant ! Il a besoin d’un peu de guidance mais ce n’est pas parce qu’il passe par quelques épisodes de mots grossiers qu’il est sur le chemin de la catastrophe !

Puis observe

Cela peut sembler étrange, mais observe. Quand ton enfant utilise-t-il ces mots ? Dans quel type de situation ? Juste en rentrant de l’école ou de la garderie ? Quand ses frère et sœur jouent avec ses jouets ? Seulement avec certains enfants ? Lorsque tu as été très occupé dans les dix dernières minutes ? Un quart d’heure ? Quand il doit s’adapter à un changement ? Essaie de trouver quelles sont les situations où il se sent exclu, seul, ou assez déconnecté pour agir violemment. Il y a des indices sur les lieux où il perd confiance en lui. Par exemple, un enfant de ma connaissance qui entrait à la maternelle, ne jurait que lorsqu’un groupe d’enfants avaient choisi une activité. En entrant dans le groupe, il devait avoir peur qu’il n’y ait pas de place pour lui. Alors il injuriait les autres ! Après avoir compris quelles situations ébranlent la confiance de ton enfant, essaie de lui offrir ton soutien. Voici quelques façons de procéder.

Utilise le Temps Particulier de façon stratégique

Essaie le Temps Particulier. C’est un outil très simple mais puissant spécialement quand on l’utilise juste avant ou après des situations difficiles. Par exemple fais dix minutes de Temps Particulier juste quand tu rentres à la maison le soir, s’il est grossier en fin de journée. Ou bien s’il a tendance à être insolent dès dix heures du matin les samedis, commence alors la journée avec vingt bonnes minutes de Temps Particulier. Ou encore offre lui cela plusieurs fois par jour, juste cinq minutes s’il provoque ses frères et sœurs. Cela peut servir à aider un enfant à se sentir en lien et à se reconnecter. C’est un outil préventif – fais en avant que les ennuis commencent et vois si ça aide.

Pose les limites avec chaleur et quand tu le peux, avec humour

Le Temps Particulier ne fera pas disparaître l’emploi de gros mots, mais les limites que tu poseras serviront à diminuer la peur ou l’agressivité de ton enfant. Tu dois l’empêcher d’être grossier mais avec bienveillance. Tu n’as pas à jouer le rôle du parent sévère à chaque fois qu’il dit un gros mot. Mais tu dois absolument régler ce problème dès la première fois où il se pose. Pas besoin de faire le méchant. Cela marche beaucoup mieux si tu penses que ton enfant est bon, tendre et affectueux, et qu’il est juste emprisonné pour le moment dans des sentiments négatifs. Pour l’aider à s’en libérer, essaie l’une des interventions suivantes :

• Prends-le de façon naturelle dans tes bras et dis ” Ahhh J’ai entendu ce mot S… ! Je t’ai entendu dire ” S… charmant !” Fais lui des câlins, presse-toi contre lui, et vois si tu peux le faire rire en lui manifestant toute ton affection.

• Dis-lui : ” quand je t’entends dire “S….” , moi je dis ” ah voilà le S…  balai brosse!”

Puis joue un peu au S balai brosse en lui courant après les bras écartés en mimant un lève palette et en essayant de l’attraper dans tes bras ou de le lancer par dessus ton épaule et de le faire rebondir.

• Dis : ” Ohhh! Je vais attraper tous ceux qui disent ce S mot ! Attention j’arrive !”

Et cours lui après en faisant bien attention de ne pas l’attraper trop vite. Quand tu y parviens enfin, fais-lui un Câlin énergique et lutte un peu avec lui de façon chaleureuse et affectueuse.

Pourquoi faire cela ? Parce que ton enfant te signale qu’il ne peut pas réfléchir – l’emploi d’un langage grossier veut dire qu’il ne se sent plus en lien avec le reste de la famille. En jouant avec lui avec humour, en rétablissant le rire et l’affection, en luttant, se bagarrant avec lui et en lui courant après dans le mode du jeu, sans essayer de le punir, cela va l’aider à retrouver le sentiment de ce que c’est de faire partie de la famille. Ta protestation, aussi loufoque soit-elle, lui sert de modèle pour protester quand on l’injurie ou quand les autres se font injurier et que tu n’es pas là pour faire baisser la violence. Le rire et le jeu physique l’aideront à se détendre, à se libérer des sentiments négatifs qui l’envahissent, et à lui montrer la voie vers une attitude coopérative au sein de la famille. Ne t’étonnes pas s’il veut jouer encore et encore au “S jeu” : il peut ressentir l’effet apaisant du rire et de l’affection que tu lui offres et vouloir s’en imprégner le plus possible. Il essaie de guérir des effets du comportement qui a déréglé son système. Son intuition est bonne.

Parfois une bonne crise de larmes n’attend qu’un bon écoutant

Si l’emploi d’un langage grossier sous entend de la tristesse ou de la peur, ces sentiments éclateront quand tu lui diras qu’il est temps de cesser le S… jeu, ou simplement quand tu l’attraperas, l’entoureras de tes bras et lui diras gentiment “Je ne peux pas te laisser dire ça. Que s’est il passé pour que tu aies voulu me traiter de S…”?

Tu n’es pas obligé de toujours passer par l’humour : parfois, en s’approchant de lui et en offrant un contact visuel et en posant une limite avec chaleur, cela l’aidera à comprendre à quel point il se sent mal. Il aura envie de s’enfuir, ou de t’injurier encore plus, ou de t’envoyer des coups de poing ou de pied. Reste à proximité, empêche-le de faire mal à quelqu’un et suis-le s’il s’en va. Il a besoin de ta proximité pour pouvoir se reconnecter avec toi. Il a besoin de quelqu’un qui l’écoute.

Quand lui-même a été injurié, il a été blessé et probablement effrayé, mais il n’y avait personne avec qui partager son ressenti. Maintenant il t’a, toi. C’est maintenant qu’il peut se libérer de la contrariété, de la confusion et de la colère qui l’ont envahi. Il se peut qu’il te prenne comme cible. Mais s’il pleure, qu’il transpire ou qu’il se débat, le fait de l’écouter est un ressourcement qui va soulager la tension accumulée derrière son comportement. Il se peut qu’il ne pleure pas tout de suite quand tu l’empêche de jurer, mais trouve une petite excuse cinq minutes plus tard : il y a trop de fromage sur ses pâtes ou il a renversé de l’eau sur sa chemise. Ne pinaille pas sur le motif qui l’a fait pleurer, peu importe si c’est insignifiant. Ça lui donne une opportunité de se décharger de ce qui le trouble et l’ennuie. ÉCOUTE-LE. Il est entrain d’évacuer les sources du langage grossier dans lequel il était enfermé. Lorsque quelqu’un l’injuriait ou injuriait ses amis, il ne protestait pas car il était trop bloqué ou confus  pour le faire. Maintenant qu’il est en sécurité avec toi, il peut aller au bout de la contestation qu’il aurait tant aimé engager, s’il avait eu de soutien à ce moment là.

Écoute-le, sois patient, continue à lui montrer calmement ses pâtes trop pleines de fromages ou la tâche sur sa chemise, mais laisse-lui d’abord beaucoup de temps pour éprouver ses sentiments. Il finira par revenir à son fonctionnement habituel et tu remarqueras très vite des changements positifs dans son comportement

On appelle cela Rester-écouter. Nos parents ne connaissaient pas cela pour nous venir en aide. Ce n’est pas facile à faire. Mais c’est la meilleure méthode que je connaisse pour aider les enfants a aller au-delà de comportements qui les ont d’abord effrayés puis qu’ils ont adoptés.

Fais-nous savoir comment ça marche.

The post De vilains mots dans la bouche de bons enfants appeared first on Hand in Hand Parenting.

How do you make a child stop hitting?

It’s a great question, because the key part to remember is that we are responsible for making the behaviour stop. Actually making it stop, as opposed to telling your three-year-old to stop hitting.

This is because when your child hits you, you can be sure that their brain is offtrack. Their feelings have overridden their thinking capacity. And that means that the part of them that can follow an instruction to stop hitting is completely offline. That is why they do not stop when you simply ask.

How to stop a three-year-old hitting without yelling

And so what you need to do is make the hitting stop. Physically. Gently.

So when your child’s hand is coming towards you, just take the little hand. Say, “No, love, I can’t let you hit.”

“No, no.”

“No hitting.”

You do not need to be harsh. You don’t actually need to raise your voice. Use the kind of tone you would use when you say “I love you.”

Use that gentle tone and hold their hands firmly. And what that might do is cause all the feelings that are driving the hitting to come to the surface. So they might get really rough and start trying to pound on you. Again, just take those little pounding hands, and then let all their tears come.

When that can happen, the emotions that are overwhelming the brain find a way out the body. Soon after, you’ll find that they get their thinking back and stop hitting. You’ve got your angel back.

How to stop my child hitting others?

Another parent recently came to me and told me, “I just wish I knew what to do when my oldest child throws objects across the room at my toddler. I’m struggling to deal with it in a calm manner.”

Again, you, as the grown-up, need to intervene and make sure the throwing stops.

If your child is throwing or hitting it’s because they’re overloaded and they need your help. At that moment they’re so frustrated or so upset that they have lost control of their actions.

You want to stop the hitting or throwing, but you also want to respond to that core need. Their frustration and upset. This is what caused them to hit or throw.

It helps to approach them firmly, but warmly. “Oops, you know what happens to boys that throw things at their sister, their hand needs lots of kisses”. Something like that. You may need to gently move them away. But stay with them.

Usually when we put a physical stop to the behaviour, the child will start to feel the feelings that are driving the behaviour.

They might get twitchy or try to wrestle. They may wail about how it’s so unfair. 

At this point you just want to be available to listen, which lets them really get in touch with their feelings and work through the upset.

And while you should focus on listening, you can respond like this:

• “You hate when she does that.”
• “I can’t let you say that in front of her.”
• “I’m sorry it’s hard.”

Your kind words and calm manner are very anchoring for them. This is why they feel safe to show you their true feelings, rather than stuff them away. The more they can get out of their system the better they’re going to feel, and when they feel better, they’ll be able to be more cooperative, generous and kind.

Read more about what to do when one child hurts another.

The key to stopping any aggressive behaviour

Notice that in both situations, we follow the same pattern.

1. Notice the behaviour and respond quickly.
2. Get close and gently, physically stop the hitting or throwing.
3. Listen to your child’s feelings – which may intensify now you are close.
4. Hold the limit that you can’t let them hit or throw, but you will stay with them so they are not alone.
5. Listen, and hold a quiet space as they work through the feelings and calm returns.

It can be hard handling a child who is hitting or kicking. If you find you get triggered, you can try this parenting tool.

Remember hitting, kicking, spitting, or throwing is a sign that their feelings have already overtaken their rational thought. Your child doesn’t mean to hit. They don’t want to hurt. They are just not in control properly at this point.

That’s why it’s so effective when you step in quickly. Your touch is more effective than words. Responding calmly soothes their overwhelm

Longterm, as you repeat these steps, they’ll become better at identifying their feelings and communicating them before they get to hitting.

Want more connecting, respectful parenting tools?

Parent from that place in your heart that feels warm and good with Hand in Hand Parenting. 

Whether you’re just starting with our five tools or you already love the approach and want to be more consistent in using it, this program will help.

Refresh gives you a full introduction on using each tool in your own dedicated classroom. Get a roadmap for parenting with connection – available April 27-29th. Sign up to the waitlist and we’ll remind you when we launch.

The post A Parent Asks, How Do I Stop 3-Year-Old-Hitting? appeared first on Hand in Hand Parenting.

The post How to Help A Child Who Seems Reactive and Inflexible appeared first on Hand in Hand Parenting.

“Listen” authors Patty Wipfler and Tosha Schore talk about how play works to dissolve your child’s anger and aggression, and how you can harness its power to reduce explosive episodes and get closer even as you set limits and boundaries.

The post Calm Your Child’s Anger and Aggression with Play appeared first on Hand in Hand Parenting.

Kids Fighting: Why Responding In A Playful Way Stops Sibling Aggression

We were at end of a stressful week and I was not feeling particularly relaxed. I’d thought about my sons on the way over and decided that when we got home, even though it wouldn’t be early, I would spend some playful time with them, giving them my undivided attention before I started preparing dinner because we had really missed it over the last few days.

As I arrived to pick at their kindergarten, I even told the caregivers my plan.I guess I was somehow ‘programming’ myself to carry it out, but we didn’t quite make it that far!

My Kids Begin Fighting in the Backseat

As we were arriving home, one of my sons negotiated that instead of parking and walking to the house together, I would drop them off in front of the house and then I would go and park the car.

I agreed to that request. 

Then, as we passed the bakery, my other son decided that he wanted a chocolate candy. We had just parked by the house and so I told him that instead, I’d give them a square of chocolate at home. He insisted on the bakery chocolate candy, and when I held my limit and refused, he burst into tears and had a tantrum right there, in the car.

I Stumble on a Playful Response That Transforms My Kids Fighting

At that moment, this twin brother began shouting and hitting him. I quickly reacted to protect them from each other physically, but at the same time as I felt a rush of panic. “What was I doing? How would I stop them?”

And I don’t know where the idea came from, but as I was surrounding Lucas to protect him, I said, in a really light and powerless tone, “Please Diego, don’t hurt Lucas!”

It really was a light tone!

And since Lucas was also trying to hit his brother, I then surrounded Diego and told Lucas in the same tone, “Please Lucas, don’t hurt Diego.”

They started to laugh!

In fact, the more powerless and desperate I looked in front of their anger, the more they seemed to enjoy it, so I repeated this move, surrounding one of my sons while begging the other not to hurt his brother, several times.

Pretty soon, they were laughing hard.

After just two or three minutes of this real joyful laughter, I suggested that we should get out of the car and walk back home and they easily accepted. 

Peace Remains for the Rest of the Afternoon

Back home, I took my usual five minutes to tidy up the bags we had and settle down, I then saw that my sons were playing calmly and quietly together in the living room. Since they seemed to be doing so well, I decided to change my plan to play and prepare dinner instead.I guess, they’d also been planning on getting some of my attention, and beat me to it! The play had happened, quite unexpectedly, in the car. 

I still feel surprised when I think about that evening because they actually kept playing together cooperatively for almost an hour. I had all that time to take care of dinner and even relax a little myself.

A while later, and feeling reenergized, I was even more willing to spend some fun moments with them, as I had initially planned.

All it really took to gain this peaceful evening was those few minutes of responding playfully to their aggression, listening to their emotional expression, before coming home. 

Have you seen the powerful effects of play like this at your house?

Why Play Heals Children’s Rifts and Stops Them Fighting

It can feel hard responding to children’s aggression with lightness. If you have trouble, try offloading with a listener before and after things get tense. Noticing what comes up for you can help clear space to stay playful.

There is also three things Chloe did that helped her keep playful when her kids started fighting.

Expect Tension When LIfe Has Been Busy

Chloe had expected and allowed for the fact that a busy week kept her occupied and not as playful and close to her boys. Because she sees how her attention fosters warmth, she realized that without that connection, her boys might be feeling adrift. 

Step Into The Role of Safety Manager First

When challenging behavior shows up, Chloe is not surprised. Rather than reacting to their sibling aggression, she becomes the safety manager when fights and tears break out on the back seat. She makes her first move by shielding her children, physically setting a limit on hitting. 

Stay Present To Stay Playful

Chloe feels herself getting caught up thinking when she asks “What should I do?” but she is present enough to put that aside when she sees her son’s reaction to her less powerful position and she moves to play. She continues to follow those giggles by acting more inept, by being bumbling and powerless around her kids fighting. The more she played it up, the more they laugh.

If we act playfully when children start fighting, we can ease the tension and melt the big feelings causing the challenging behavior, without ever asking “Who did what?” The Playlistening Chloe did, and laughter it produced, connected the three of them so much so that the boys played well together, while Chloe was able to fix dinner. 

You can also set limits with humor. Read how here

For more ideas on dealing with your child’s aggressive behaviors, watch this three-part video series and stop aggression breaking out in your house today.

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Certified Instructor, Shelley Macy, MA, and Hand in Hand Founder Patty Wipfler discuss why children bite and how to help. Connect with Shelley – https://bit….

The post When Your Toddler Bites appeared first on Hand in Hand Parenting.

You take a deep breath. Instead of the happy homecoming you dreamt of and crave, it looks like you will be weathering the meltdown of a cranky toddler. Trying to avoid that, you step a little closer to your child. You smile and make an attempt to placate them. “Hey, what’s that you are doing? Did you make a new drawing.”

But this attempt at peace-keeping fails. Instead, you get a cold shoulder – or worse, a tongue stuck out at you, any kind of many rebuffs, and more crankiness. Pretty soon the whining starts, and then defiance. And while you are thinking about what you need to do to get dinner on the table or homework done, the meltdowns begin.

But, what if it doesn’t have to be this way?

Take a Step Back: What’s Behind the Cranky Behavior?

Hidden feelings of upset:

Who knows what happened when you were out? Maybe your child didn’t nap as long. Maybe their toy broke. Maybe they couldn’t get the tower they wanted to stack as high as they wanted to stack it. Even if the room looks peaceful when you walk in, there could be a backlog of feelings waiting to be heard.

Sensing Lost Connection:

Your child may have suddenly felt your loss more closely than usual today and is waiting to reconnect. The trouble is, separation can bring on feelings of doubt and loneliness and rejection, and children can have a hard time sorting through those feelings to find a bright way to show you they want your attention now. This is not to say that you can’t ever leave, but noticing when your child is more demanding, is also noticing that they need a little more closeness and security.

Connecting Separation With Other Big Changes:

If there have been other big changes – your parents visited and now they have left; you were on vacation and now the regular daily routine is back in place, or perhaps a new sibling recently joined the family – then your leaving today may have triggered the feelings your child has been holding onto about those recent upheavals.

How to Reconnect After Being Away

When you can take the perspective that, clinginess, crankiness, whining or rejection is your child’s way of showing you that they want you close, then you can build connection, even when they appear to be doing everything they can to keep you away?  Laughter is a powerful thing and underestimated when it comes to bringing down tensions. Hand in Hand Instructor Georgiana Bucatariu shares how connecting with her daughter playfully helped them break through the crabbies.

One Secret Weapon to Bring Down The Barriers With a Cranky Toddler: Play

A few days ago I got home and my little princess was very cranky. Instead of giving me her usual kiss she asked me if I had a surprise for her. I said “No sweetie, not this time…” She started whining that she wanted a surprise and she told me that I never bring anything to her. “In my mind, I thought ‘Hey?! Where is this coming from?’ but I decided to listen and said, ‘Hey sweetie! I’m happy to be home with you! Would you like to do something together?’

My attempt didn’t work! She replied ‘No! I want to be alone now. I’m upset.’ (What a reply from a three and a half-year-old!) I got closer to her and I said I wanted to be with her if she was upset. She then moved away and said she wanted to be alone in the other room. Although she started walking towards the other room, she kept looking at me. I followed, keeping a small distance and told her I wanted to be with her. She moved from one room to another as I kept following a short distance behind.

Using Play To Reach An Upset Child

She started smiling a bit so I took a chance. ‘Hey girl, what are we doing here? We are playing like a cat and mouse!’ I said. She started laughing and repeating what I said. She started running from room to room and laughing really hard saying, ‘What are we doing here, girl? We are playing like a cat and mouse!’ “I ran after her, exclaiming that she was a very fast mouse!

She laughed really hard and so did I. We kept playing like that for a while. When we finished the game she was really happy! She kissed me and told me she was happy I came home, and after that, she was really relaxed. I’m not sure what the reason was behind her upset, and I don’t think it even matters. I’m really happy that I had the patience to listen and apply the Tool of Playlistening to help my daughter through her upset.

Go-To Toolkit for Sweeter Reunions

The next time you come home to a cranky toddler, try these five steps for a sweeter reunion.

Bring down your expectations. Going in expecting a happy reunion can make it harder when your child rebuffs your affection. Take a minute before you go inside to breathe and prepare yourself.

Don’t take it personally. If your child is cranky, whining, or runs away from you, see those behaviors as a code language they save for you. It means, “I need you more than ever right now.”

Go lightly. Don’t insist on a big reunion. Follow your child’s lead.

Look for the giggles. If you can stay calm you become the anchor for your child and their feelings. You become a safe place for them to show you what’s going on. When they see you aren’t angry they can relax too. When you follow their lead, look for opportunities to laugh. One Hand in Hand Instructor plays the “Don’t Laugh” game when she senses her child is ready. She says, “Tom is grumpy now. Whatever we do, no-one can laugh.” This often prompts her child to smile, and just that one action begins to lighten the mood.

Accept any invitation to play. When a child rips up their new drawing or thwacks a pillow to the side of your head, it can look and feel like they a testing the boundaries. But if all is safe, these interactions can be seen as invitations to connect. A winning way to respond is with play. When you respond to the ripping action by grabbing an old newspaper and saying, “Ripping looks like fun, I want to try. Oooh, that DOES feel good,” or taking that pillow and asking, “Pillow! Did you just hit me? I think maybe my ear fell off when you did that, now I have to find it,” you are telling your child:

• I can handle your feelings. They feel big to you and you don’t know what to do with them, but we’ve got this. Everything is ok. 
• I will connect with you in whatever way suits you best
• I love you no matter how you feel or what feelings you show me
• We are all good here. I’m back, you’re safe and I’m ready to focus on you 

More From the Hand in Hand Toolbox

What is Playlistening? Using play to tackle parenting challenges and foster connection

20 Playful Ways to Heal Separation Anxiety

Discover Five Revolutionary Ideas to Make Parenting Less Stressful

Find your online village within the Hand in Hand Parent Club Community

Reduce overwhelm and stress as you deepen your connection to your children.  Get daily coaching and support around your biggest parenting challenges.  Learn to implement the Hand in Hand Tools with confidence for consistent results as you create more cooperation and peace in your home. TWO WEEKS FREE! You are not alone! Welcome to your Parent Community!

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Dear Hand in Hand,

Please help. My 4-year-old son has had a turbulent time at pre-school and has become very aggressive. I am seeing this as an issue around separation. We have increased Special Time, and I’m finding he has a huge, driving desire to play from the minute I pick him up at midday. This play is very violent, like robots lasering each other, or cars crashing or me being locked in jail. Is this “normal” boys stuff?

I am also Staylistening, a lot! Still, every request I make is met with defiant refusals – from sitting in a chair to eating lunch, all the way through to bath, book, and bed. Every upset is huge, and accompanied by kicking, or hitting, or telling me to “go away.”

I am beginning to feel like every rebuttal is an attack on me, his way of saying I shouldn’t have left, or leave him in this place, but I have little other choices. Mostly, I miss my sweet boy. I feel like I’ve lost a happy, contented, carefree toddler to this fierce creature. How can I nurture his “good” side when I feel like I never see it?

Dear Concerned Parent,

When our children’s behavior goes off-track, it can set off cascades of worry. What’s this about? What if I’ve lost him? What did I do wrong? What’s wrong with him? The reality is that your sweet boy is still there, looking to you with the hope that you’ll help him make sense of his world.

When he reconnects after a day of school, the safety he experiences when he’s with you allows feelings he’s packed down inside all day long to bubble up. He no longer needs to hold it all together and ‘manage.’ Instead, he senses an opportunity to release some of what’s stored in his ‘emotional backpack’. As difficult as this can feel for parents, it’s actually helpful in the long run.

Your support will allow your son to work through the difficult feelings that are sparked by the separation, or what he’s observing at school, or hurtful moments that he’s experienced. You actually don’t need to understand what the upset is about to help him, just continue looking for opportunities to connect through play and Staylisten when he shows you the hard stuff.

It’s so smart to increase Special Time when you sense an emotional disconnect. Special Time allows your son to take control of his relationship with you, to show you what’s weighing on him and to soak up your warm attention.

It sounds like recently, he’s showing you what feels hard and is trying to reconnect through play.

Should I be Worried About Violent Play?

Violent play is indeed normal, and not just for boys!

Violence enters children’s consciousness in different ways, including their exposure to videos and television. In addition to the screen time we allow in our homes, our children are exposed to other children’s attempts to work through what they’ve been exposed to in the media and in their lives.

These themes often come up in play and often hold a lot of power.

Joining Violent Play Can Be Useful

One way to help when he initiates violent play is by joining him and taking on the less powerful role. This listening tool is called Playlistening. When violent play makes parents uncomfortable, it’s tempting to try to make it go away by banning it or ignoring it. Neither of these approaches is helpful in the long run.

Prohibiting rough play just sends it underground. He might stop playing laser robots or jail when you’re around, but his need to work through how he feels about these themes will continue and he’ll be left to navigate it without your help. Ignoring play that makes you uncomfortable also leaves him to figure things out on his own, and it usually isn’t pleasant for a parent to have to pretend not to notice something that really bothers them.

The alternative is to join him in Playlistening, even though it can feel counterintuitive! But you have a chance to reach him in play and show him all of these feelings and fears he has are ok. Your laughter playing these games with him soothes his emotional center and shows him you love him no matter what.

Meet Violence with Love in Play

Here’s how you can meet violence with love in play. If he’s a robot trying to laser you, announce that lasers make you want to kiss a robot on the nose and playfully stumble after him asking to kiss him. If he lets you, great! Plant the kiss on his nose and then say you want to kiss an eyebrow. If he laughs you know you’re on the right track. You can play games like this for a long time, as long as the laughter continues.

If he runs away as you move in for a kiss, pretend to try to catch him and turn it into a game. “Come here you fierce robot, you’re fast but I’m faster, you’ll never get away!”

Then lumber after him while he outsmarts you. Again, laughter means you’re on the right track.

Another variation is that when you get lasered, you can pantomime a long, drawn out, overly dramatic death with lots of groaning and moaning. With your final breath fall down right on top of him and see what happens.

Or, you can also protest and run away and try to hide, only to be caught and vanquished. Or hold up your own laser and then mess things up in some way you think he’ll find funny, like slicing off your own foot or tripping and falling.

And there’s always the ‘love gun’ approach from Larry Cohen’s book Playful Parenting. “Oh no! I just got hit with a laser,” you says. “Wait, I’m starting to feel something. It must be a love laser and I love you!”

Again go after him with hugs and kisses. There are lots of variations on Playlistening games but all are intended to bring laughter and connection and to let him know that when he shows you his ‘worst’ you’re right there with him, confident in his goodness.

Doesn’t Play Around Violence Encourage Aggression?

Sometimes parents are afraid that if they encourage behavior that makes them uncomfortable, it will escalate. This might happen for a while, but once you get laughter going, tension begins to dissolve. This might shift things on it’s own or else contribute to building the safety your son needs to work through deeper feelings. As these feelings come to the surface and you Staylisten, your son will have the opportunity to work through what’s weighing on him.

Think of This Behavior Like Your Son Letting You Know He Needs You

It’s hard to be on the receiving end of defiant refusals, especially when they happen over and over. You can think of this behavior as your son letting you know that he needs you. He directs his upset at you because he’s hoping you’ll help him. It sounds like you’re doing just that through Staylistening when your son’s behavior is offtrack. Staylistening, moving in close and focusing on being with him while he kicks or hits or tells you to go away, will allow him to work through the difficult feelings he’s working so hard to manage.

Staylistening will help your son, and Listening Partnerships will help you. It’s very difficult, if not impossible, to use the listening tools effectively when you don’t have enough emotional support for yourself. Your worry that this is somehow your fault, that you shouldn’t leave your son at school, that you’ve hurt him and he’s responding by attacking you, are feelings that you can explore with your listening partner. When you make time and space to express what’s going on inside, especially when you have the warm attention of another adult who appreciates how hard you’re working and how much you love your son and want what’s best for him, things will shift. Everything goes better with solid support.

You haven’t lost your son and he’s good through and through. As you join him in play and support him as he offloads his big feelings, you’ll find that you have your sweet, content, thoughtful, boy back- closer than ever.

Tools and Support for Handling An Aggressive Child

Learn this powerful tool for responding playfully to aggression: 20 Playful Ways To Heal Aggression

Listen to our podcast on Aggressive Play with Lawrence Cohen, author of Playful Parenting

Our self-guided course helps you understand what drives your child’s difficult behaviors, and shares practical tools and support. Learn more about the class Helping Your Child with Aggression.

The post Why Has My Little Boy Become Violent? appeared first on Hand in Hand Parenting.

Totuși, atunci când un copil mic lovește, în el lucrează forțe nevăzute. Forțe emoționale. Chiar dacă fața lui nu transmite nimic sau râde copios atunci când lovește, agresivitatea lui este determinată de emoții. De obicei, emoția din spatele agresivității este frica.

Mai întâi, trebuie să știi că puiul tău nu vrea să rănească pe nimeni și nici nu vrea să fie etichetat ”copilul rău”. El nu are nevoie de pedepse; de fapt pedepsele și Time Out îl fac să lovească din nou, cu prima ocazie. El are nevoie de TINE.

Uneori copiii experimentează cu lovitul. Acest comportament va dispărea de la sine.

Copiii mici sunt cercetători entuziaști. Ei experimentează zi și noapte, astfel învață cum funcționează lucrurile. E felul lor de construi depozite de informații despre părinții și prietenii lor, despre cum funcționează lumea care-i înconjoară. Unul dintre lucrurile cu care aproape orice copil mic experimentează este lovitul.

Dacă a lovit o dată, de două, de trei ori, nu-ți face griji. Ce poți face este să-i îndepărtezi ușor și calm mânuța de cel pe are îl lovește așa încât să nu-l mai ajungă. Poți să-l lași să încerce, doar să te asiguri că mânuța lui nu aterizează pe tine sau pe altcineva. Cuvinte blânde precum ”Nu, asta nu-mi place” sau ”Nu pot să te las să faci asta” ar putea fi de folos. Scopul e să-i dai informații nu să ai o reacție. Dacă nu reacționezi sălbatic (iar copilul nu este martor la bătăi în viața de zi cu zi), experimentele lui cu lovitul se vor estompa. După câteva încercări, ele vor pierde factorul de noutate, iar copilul va trece la alte experimente: cățărat, alergat, aruncat mingi ori jucatul cu pisica.

Dacă răspunzi dur atunci când copilul mic lovește, comportamentul lui va persista.

Oricât de ciudat ar părea, dacă reacția ta la comportamentul copilului este una dură, ai mari șanse să transformi lovitul într-o rutină. Când reacționăm cu mânie, copiii internalizează acel sentiment. Astfel, adăugăm încă un lucru pe lista celor de care copilul nostru se teme. Copilul va simți nevoia să lovească din nou pentru că nu înțelege de ce ai țipat, de ce l-ai lovit înapoi, de ce l-ai strâns de braț sau l-ai târât pe scaunul din colț. În mintea lui, comportamentul tău nu are sens. L-a speriat, iar acum îl reia din nou și din nou în speranța că mintea lui va elucida sensul comportamentului tău. În cel mai scurt timp când se va simți speriat sau singur mintea lui îi va spune: ”Lovește. Asta faci când nu te simți bine – lovești”. În acest fel, metodele de disciplină pe care mulți părinți le consideră ”consecințe naturale” sau ”pedepse meritate”, devin parte a unui ciclu de comportamente pe care copilul le adoptă din ce în ce mai des atunci când nu se simte bine.

Frica îl determină pe copilul nostru să lovească.

Nu toți copiii lovesc atunci când le este frică – nu este singura reacție instinctivă atunci când simțim frică, dar este una dintre reacțiile înnăscute. Fie că zâmbește ștrengărește sau pare impasibil atunci când lovește, ori lovește numai când e foarte supărat, poți să presupui că declanșatorul comportamentului este frica.

Râsul este una dintre metodele prin care copiii se eliberează de sentimentul de frică, de aceea lovitul este acompaniat uneori de râs. Copilul încearcă să se elibereze de tensiunea cauzată de frică, dar nu reușește suficient de repede pentru a preveni lansarea unor lovituri.

Cei mai mulți copii își ascund sentimentele de frică de la o vârstă foarte fragedă. Ei observă stânjeneala noastră atunci când ei au sentimente puternice. Încercăm să-i facem să nu plângă, le distragem atenția când sunt supărați, reparăm lucrurile în încercarea de a-i opri din a face o criză. Pun pariu că majoritatea dintre noi părinții dăm zilnic cel puțin zece semnale cIare copiilor noștri că nu dorim ca ei să ne arate cum se simt. Și atunci fricile lor sunt îngropate undeva unde mai târziu pot cauza necazuri. La un moment dat ele ies la suprafață nu sub formă de plâns, o atașare excesivă de părinte sau o criză cu țipete și urlete, ci sub formă de încăierări, mușcături sau îmbrânceli cu alți copii.

Sentimentele ascunse cauzează necazuri. Faptul că un copil lovește este doar un semn că acesta este dominat de frică. Trezirile frecvente noaptea, tantrumurile, refuzul de a încerca lucruri noi, suptul degetului, mofturile exagerate pot fi semne ale faptului că puiul tău a trebuit să-și ascundă sentimentele, iar ele au devenit prea greu de stăpânit.

Pasul unu. Când copilul lovește oferă-i cu blândețe și atenție o barieră

E destul de simplu să ajuți un copil mic să oprească comportamentul impulsiv și repetitiv de a lovi. Vino aproape atunci când intuiești că urmează să lovească – să anticipezi comportamentul agresiv te ajută pe tine să răspunzi fără să reacționezi. Asta înseamnă să observi când mintea ta îți spune: ”Hmm, oare va lovi? Se apropie cam mult de copilașul acela. Sper că nu-l va lovi”. Acest gând este pentru tine semnalul că e momentul să te apropii cu calm de copilul tău și să fii pregătit. Speranța nu îți va aduce soluții, dar pregătirea, da.

Așa că apropie-te ca din întâmplare, fii blând și nu da avertismente verbale. Acestea din urmă nu ajută sentimentele de frică ce îl determină să lovească să se domolească.

Când mânuța lui se întinde să lanseze o lovitură, pareaz-o blând cu mâna sau brațul tău. Sau ține-l delicat de mână sau de braț atunci când se apropie de alt copil pentru a preveni o lovitură subită. Tu ești managerul de securitate. Treaba ta este să te asiguri că nimeni nu este lovit.

Când încearcă să lovească, doar oprește-i mânuța și spune-i blând: ”Nu pot să te las să faci asta”. Apoi oferă contact vizual. Rămâi acolo. Nu te înfuria, nu certa, nu spune absolut nimic altceva. Doar ține-i mânuța cu blândețe și stai cu copilul tău.

Când ești liniștit și calm și ai prevenit cu blândețe un incident, sentimentele care determină acel comportament vor ieși la suprafață. Copilul se va simți extrem de inconfortabil. Va începe să plângă, să transpire, să tremure sau să se trântească la pământ și să facă un tantrum. Îți propunem o alternativă, care, oricât de ciudat ar părea, face o mare diferență: ceea ce îți dorești acum este ca acele sentimente grele și inconfortabile să se reverse într-un val imens de emoții. Îți dorești ca acea energie negativă să iasă din copil, nu să fie stocată undeva într-un colț al minții de unde, mai târziu, să provoace necazuri.

Ascultă. Sprijinul tău este un antidot puternic pentru frica ce determină agresivitatea

Cât timp copilul tău este supărat, îl ajută să te știe pe tine calm și iubitor. Nu are nevoie să-i fie frică de comportamentul tău impulsiv sau dezaprobarea ta. El se poate concentra pe eliberarea acelor tensiuni problematice. E posibil să plângă. E posibil să transpire intens în timp ce țipă din toți plămânii. E posibil să își arcuiască spatele sau să se arunce la pământ. S-ar putea să încerce să te lovească și să se zbată. Cu cât va fi mai intensă reacția copilului, cu atât mai vizibil va fi rezultatul acelui episod emoțional. Acesta este felul în care puiul tău elimină sentimentele rele – mai ales frica. El se folosește de prezența ta calmă ca de un far care-i dă libertatea să se elibereze de sentimentele care i-au infectat comportamentul.

Poți afla mai multe despre această metodă testată și dovedită de a Pune Limite.

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Da, vreau sfaturi și exemple de la Hand in Hand.

Iată ce poți spune cu blândețe printre pauzele de ascultare și sprijin. Vorbește din când în când pentru a-i da de știre că observi cât de greu muncește la eliminarea fricii din propriul sistem.

“Știu că-ți place Jasper. N-am să te las să-l lovești.”

“Sunt aici și am grijă să fii în siguranță.”

“Nu e nimeni supărat pe tine. Ești fetița mea minunată și am să stau aici cu tine.”

“O să ai o zi frumoasă cu colegii tăi. O să stau cu tine până te simți mai bine.”

“Îmi pare rău că e așa greu pentru tine. O să mă asigur că restul zilei va merge bine.”

“Orice te-a înspăimântat s-a terminat. Nu se va mai întâmpla.”

“Nu, nu e nevoie să plecăm acasă. Eu cred că te poți simți bine aici în scurt timp. E OK să rămânem aici.”

Ascultă 80% din timp cu căldură și blândețe cât timp copilul tău se luptă cu sentimentele grele. El face ceea ce s-a născut să facă: scapă de stres într- un mod sălbatic dar eficient. Dacă îi poți fi ancoră în timp ce-și lucrează astfel emoțiile, vei avea parte de un omuleț cu totul diferit la final. Visul emoțional urât se va termina. Frica i se va evapora – poate nu toată, dar destulă cât să-i permită sa fie fericit din nou și să aibă o zi mai bună ca de obicei.

Ascultarea emoțiilor (Staylistening) copilului tău îți simplifică ție viața de părinte. Tu îți ajuți copilul să-și curețe mintea de gunoiul emoțional, iar copilul poate gândi mai limpede. Asta înseamnă că nu e nevoie să ții predici, să reciți regulile de bună conduită în societate, în casă sau în grupul de prieteni, nici înainte, nici în timpul și nici după un incident în care ai pus o limită necesară. Poți să ai încredere în copilul tău că știe să-i trateze bine pe ceilalți. Ce puțin atunci când are mintea limpede, știe. Știe cum să fie un prieten bun. Când pui o limită blândă și apoi asculți emoțiile (Staylistening), de fapt îl ajuți pe copil să-și revendice șansa de a fi în deplinătatea facultăților mintale, eliberat de stocul de sentimente de frică.

Iată cum poate funcționa acest proces

Într-o după amiază am mers în parc cu bebelușul, băiatul mai mare (sub 3 ani) și prietena lui. La un moment dat prietena fiului meu a încercat să-l lovească pe acesta când se dădeau pe tobogan. Am luat-o pe fetiță ușor de pe tobogan și i-am spus blând că nu o pot lăsa să-l lovească pe fiul meu sau pe altcineva. S-a arcuit pe spate și a început să țipe cu toată puterea.

Am continuat să-i vorbesc calm și să-i spun că nu o voi lăsa să se rănească pe sine sau pe ceilalți și am încercat, cât de blând am putut, să mențin contactul cu corpul ei. Țipa încontinuu ”O vreau pe mama!„. Dacă mama ei ar fi fost acolo totul ar fi fost bine, dar așa nu mă simțeam în stare să merg pe stradă cu trei copii dintre care unul în acea stare de surescitare. Aveam destul de mult de mers, eu având și bebelușul în port- bebe. Mi-a fost frică să nu mă asculte pe drum și să-mi dea drumul la mână sau să alerge prea repede. I-am spus calm toate aceste lucruri.

La un moment dat am încercat să-i dau mai mult spațiu fizic, dar ea a început să alerge în direcția casei. Așa că i-am adunat lucrurile și i-am spus că nu o pot lăsa să plece singură. Tot procesul de plâns, ținut și vorbit a durat ceva vreme, 20-30 de minute poate, crescând și scăzând în intensitate. Nici nu vreau să-mi imaginez ce or fi crezut ceilalți părinți din
parc. La un moment dat unul din părinți s-a uitat la mine, mi-a zâmbit și a zis: ”Iau notițe”.

În plus, trebuia să am grijă de bebeluș și de băiețelul meu care stătea lângă mine privindu-ne cu îngrijorare.

Acum stăteam pe o bancă, iar fetița mi-a zis că ar vrea să se dea în leagăn. I-am spus că va trebui să așteptăm să se elibereze două leagăne pentru a se putea da amândoi copiii. Asta a declanșat o nouă rundă de țipete. Am mai continuat așa o perioadă.

În sfârșit, am simțit că putem măcar să ne deplasăm spre zona cu leagăne, iar când am ajuns acolo celălalt copil plecase, iar ea și băiatul meu se puteau da împreună și eu să le fac vânt.

Când a venit timpul să plecăm spre casă i-am întrebat pe amândoi dacă vor să le opresc eu leagănele sau să le las să se oprească singure. Fetița mi-a spus că ea vrea să lăsăm leagănul să se oprească singur. Momentele de așteptare cu răbdare au avut un farmec aparte.

Când am pornit spre casă, ea m-a luat de mână. Acasă s-a desprins ușor de mine și a plecat spre părinții ei. Am luat-o departe pe mama ei și i-a descris pe scurt ceea ce se întâmplase, iar a doua zi am sunat-o să aflu cum a decurs restul zilei. Mama fetiței mi-a spus că aceasta fusese foarte calmă și super obosită la ora de culcare. A doua zi ne-am întâlnit pentru încă o rundă de joacă, iar fetița a venit la mine și mi-a dat o îmbrățișare.

– Laura Podwoski, Berkeley, CA

The post Când copilul mic te lovește: o nouă perspectivă appeared first on Hand in Hand Parenting.

Talking Risky and Aggressive Play

Talk on this episode turns to two of Larry’s favorites styles of play – aggressive and risky play.

If you’ve ever seen your child thrash a toy to pieces, order you locked in jail or speed down a steep slope on a skateboard you are probably aware of these play types and the stress they can cause us, as parents!

• Is our child too aggressive?
• Will they grow up aggressive?
• Shouldn’t we be learning something?
• What if they get hurt?

The Aggressive Play is a Signal

When we can see these ways of playing as signals of what’s affecting a child, we can embrace them, because, as Larry says, when a child is laughing and engaged in aggressive play, we can be sure deep work is happening.

But these can be the trickier bits of play to navigate. Larry helps us address the issues that come up when our children play aggressive or downright risky.

• What can we do with own fears when our children play aggressively?
• Why we should be joining our children in play
• How we can trust our children with their own risk management
• How we can stop saying “be careful,” and start reflecting and wondering around play (or taking risks ourselves!)
• Evaluating when you need to step in

The episode ends with some ideas of games to try with your children since play, at its heart, is all about connection.

Listen to Embracing Risky Play now.

More Tools and Support for Handling A Child’s Aggression

You can find Larry at Playfulparenting.com and on his Amazon page. There’s a review here of how one mom used Larry’s book The Opposite of Worry With Children on the Spectrum (a guest book review)

If you are interested in the risky play organization Larry mentions at 14.24 you’ll find it at www.Anjiplay.com

We bumped up the playtimes post to 15 Quick Games You Can Use When Kids Challenge Your Parenting

Learn more about what causes aggression and what you can do in this class, Helping Your Child With Aggression 

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The post Embracing Risky and Aggressive Play Helps Us and Our Kids appeared first on Hand in Hand Parenting.