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My daughter is about to turn nine and I’ve been thinking recently that I’d like her to do more around the house. I haven’t spent enough time making this happen in the past, I’ve taken shortcuts by just doing things myself because it’s ‘quicker’.

So this morning I’d washed up and after she’s finished her breakfast I told her there was some hot soapy water there and that she can wash her bowl and spoon instead of leaving it on the side this morning.

Well, guess what? She did not want to do that at all!

What To Do When They Refuse? Play!

Luckily I was in a great space and had some good attention to be playful. So basically we wrestled for the next twenty minutes with me attempting to set a loving limit and her trying to get away. We laughed a lot and I enjoy this wrestling as much as she does.

She then asked both myself and her Dad to give her a minute of Special Time. She was going to get us to wash her bowl for her in that special time. How clever is that!

Anyway, her Dad did end up washing up the bowl before he went off for the day BUT my daughter was super helpful for the rest of the morning. First, she started by getting her history books out and doing some reading and learning by her self. We homeschool and she has NEVER done this before. Secondly, I had to go up and do some preparation for the communal meal tonight where I live. Normally again she does not like helping but this morning she set the table for 40 people without a blink of the eye. She didn’t complain once and she actually seemed to enjoy it.

So she may not have washed her bowl and spoon BUT we had a lot of fun and laughter with me wrestling her to do it and the rest of the morning was a dream.

How Laughter and Limits Work

• Laughter can clear the way for co-operation
• Children do want to be the best they can, but feelings cloud that ability
• When their feelings bubble up, a child’s limbic system may become overwhelmed by the emotion and reason flies out the window. This is where you might hear a defiant “no,” or whining.
• Setting Limits can cause those feelings to bubble, which is actually a healthy way for a child to clear them
• Warmth and laughter allows the limbic system to release tension and re-enforces a child’s sense of safety
• When a child feels better, they are able to “do” better – and that is where we see cooperation thrive.

 Stephanie Parker is a Hand in Hand Mom, who lives in Gloucestershire, UK with her daughter and partner.

More From The Hand in Hand Toolbox

Do you want to see your child’s manners improve? Try this playful parenting Tool that’s fun for everyone

Want to play but just don’t feel like it? What If I’m Just Not A Playful Parent?

Learn about Setting Limits in a way that connects and fosters growth with your child with our Setting Limits & Building Co-Operation online class. It’s free with Hand in Hand’s Parent Club Community.

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Lorsque les enfants sont pris dans un comportement qui ne fonctionne pas pour eux ou pour toi, nous, les parents, devenons généralement sérieux et instructifs. “Mon fils, tu sais que ce n’est pas gentil de dire ça, et je t’ai déjà demandé d’arrêter” ou “Mon chéri, tu ne peux pas suivre le chat et l’embêter. Il n’aime pas ça. Je t’ai demandé de le laisser tranquille”. C’est ce que nous faisons dans nos bons jours ! Et c’est un progrès considérable par rapport à “Maudite sois-tu ! Pourquoi dois-je te le répéter encore et encore ! Va dans ta chambre !” ou “C’est ça. Tu vas avoir droit à une fessée si tu n’écoutes pas !”

Mais en réalité, aucune de ces deux approches n’aide vraiment l’enfant qui est perdu dans le “pays des comportements qui ne fonctionnent pas”.

Les supplications aboutissent tôt ou tard à une dispute, parce qu’elles ne fonctionnent pas. Et des mesures plus radicales éloignent nos enfants de nous. En réponse à la punition, l’enfant s’oriente plus souvent vers un comportement déraisonnable. Et si tu ne fixes aucune limite, les enfants ont la même réaction : ils ont recours à des comportements plus flagrants et plus incendiaires.

Lorsqu’une demande raisonnable ne parvient pas à convaincre nos enfants, il est temps d’adopter une toute nouvelle stratégie. Nous proposons le câlin énergique !

En savoir plus : Découvre les causes des pleurnicheries et les moyens d’y mettre un terme dans l’article Quel est le remède contre les pleurnicheries ?

Interposer les limites de façon ludique

Ton enfant réclame un biscuit. Tu lui dis “Pas maintenant, mon chéri, prends une carotte à la place”, mais il continue à pleurnicher. Au lieu d’essayer de le raisonner ou de le distraire, Tu prends ton enfant, tu le jettes par-dessus ton épaule et tu te promènes dans la cuisine en disant : “J’ai le plus grand amateur de biscuits de tous ! Il adore les biscuits ! Il adore les biscuits ! Il adore les biscuits !” Tout ce qui est stupide et physiquement ludique peut faire l’affaire.

Ou bien ton enfant harcèle son frère cadet, en accaparant un jouet que le plus jeune veut. Tu pourrais intervenir et lui dire sérieusement : “Tu n’as pas le droit de traiter ton frère de cette façon”. Mais tu as déjà tenu ce discours à maintes reprises et il ne passe pas.

C’est l’heure des câlins énergiques ! Tu grimaces et dis “Viens ici, toi !” dans une version caricaturale de ton “J’en ai marre de toi ! Tu attrapes l’aîné par la queue de chemise et tu le tires sur toi le mettant sur tes genoux pour démarrer une bagarre joyeuse ou pour déposer une pluie de baisers sur son ventre.

Tu fais ce que l’on pourrait appeler un “tacle limbique”.

Tu ne pzux pas atteindre le cortex préfrontal de ton enfant, parce qu’il ne peut pas sentir ses liens avec qui que ce soit pour le moment. Il ne peut pas écouter la raison, alors tu fais des choses que son système limbique – le centre social de son esprit – peut comprendre.

Tu établis un contact physique. Tu joues. Tu agisses avec chaleur et humour. Tu mets fin au comportement qu’il a adopté, mais tu le fais en faisant des gestes non verbaux et généreux qui signifient “je veux être près de toi”.

Ce sont les signaux dont son système limbique a besoin. Ce sont les signaux qui lui permettent de rire ou de piquer une grosse colère. Ce sont les signaux qui, d’une manière ou d’une autre, feront fonctionner son esprit à nouveau, lui faisant prendre conscience qu’il est sûr d’aimer et de laisser les autres l’aimer.

Mais où est le respect ?

Les parents s’inquiètent du fait que s’ils font preuve de chaleur et d’humour à l’égard de leurs enfants dans ces moments difficiles sur le plan comportemental, ces derniers ne les respecteront pas ou n’apprendront pas les leçons d’amour, de partage et de prévenance à l’égard des autres.

C’est une préoccupation très importante.

C’est à nous de veiller à ce que nos enfants deviennent de plus en plus capables de prendre en compte les besoins des autres. Mais si nous partons du principe que les enfants sont faits pour aimer et pour coopérer, nous avons alors beaucoup plus d’options en tant que parents. Au lieu de penser que nous devons enseigner tant de choses, nous pouvons remarquer qu’un enfant n’est pas sur la bonne voie et simplement créer des liens et prendre le temps de rire ou de pleurer, afin de l’aider à remettre ses émotions en phase.

L’humour et le jeu physique sont de puissants médicaments.

Ils transmettent l’acceptation. Ils expriment une volonté de se connecter. Ils comblent de manière fiable les lacunes que les enfants ressentent lorsque l’école, une demi-heure de préparation des repas ou un appel téléphonique ont interrompu leur sentiment de connexion.

Et ils améliorent aussi notre humeur. Rien ne remonte le moral d’un parent comme un enfant rieur et ravi. Rien ne nous fait plus plaisir qu’un enfant qui demande toujours la même blague pour se blottir dans nos bras. Aux yeux de nos enfants, nous sommes des génies lorsque nous utilisons ces outils. Et le fait de savoir répondre aux problèmes de comportement par la chaleur nous aide aussi à être plus efficaces avec les adultes !

Résultats inattendus du jeu incorporant les câlins

Mon petit-fils a cinq ans et fréquente l’école maternelle. Il a attrapé la fièvre du “je veux être le premier” qui se propage d’un enfant à l’autre comme un rhume. Ces derniers temps, lors de nos Temps Particuliers, il adore jouer avec moi au jeu “Je gagne, tu perds”. Nous avons un petit circuit de voitures et quatre petites voitures qui vont avec. Il choisit la voiture dont il est sûr qu’elle est la plus rapide, et je ne peux choisir qu’une voiture lente. Une seule voiture peut descendre la piste à la fois, et sa règle est qu’il est le seul à pouvoir démarrer en premier.

Je suis toujours, toujours la deuxième !

Je gémis et je m’exaspère de manière ludique lorsque ma voiture arrive en deuxième position, et s’il rit ou se réjouit, je me précipite sur lui pour le plaquer au sol. Il rit et rit encore. Je lui dis : “Ne te moque pas de ma pauvre voiture lente ! C’est une bonne voiture ! Elle gagnera un jour !” et il se réjouit encore, et je le lutte à nouveau. Nous nous amusons beaucoup avec ce jeu.

L’autre jour, à la fin du Temps Particulier, j’ai fait quelque chose que je ne fais pas d’habitude. Je lui ai demandé de ramasser quelques jouets que nous avions éparpillés. Il s’est allongé sur le sol et a dit : “Je n’aime pas ranger !”. Je l’ai à nouveau câliné : Je l’ai encore serré contre moi : “Viens ici, Toi Qui Ne Veux Jamais Ranger !” et nous avons joué un peu plus à la bagarre. J’ai continué le jeu en lui disant avec impatience : “Je suis sûr que tu veux ramasser cette balle !”, je lui tendais la balle et il la jetait. Encore des câlins, de la lutte joyeuse et des rires. Nous avons joué ainsi pendant environ cinq minutes, puis j’ai abandonné l’idée de ranger ensemble.

Je n’avais pas le temps et je ne voulais pas insister pour ranger la pièce absolument à ce moment-là. Je n’avais pas envie de nous faire subir cela. Le désordre n’était pas grand.

Le lendemain, il est venu jouer. La première chose qu’il a faite a été de ramasser une couverture que j’avais jetée sur le tapis. Il l’a pliée et l’a mise à sa place. Il a ramassé des chaussures qui avaient été oubliées dans la cuisine et les a rangées dans le meuble à chaussures. Il a rangé les magazines sur la table basse. Il a rangé quelques livres. Et il m’a demandé s’il y avait autre chose qu’il pouvait nettoyer.

La récompense de nos câlins ludiques sur le nettoyage n’est arrivée qu’un jour plus tard, mais elle était très agréable à voir.

Dans la boîte à outils “Hand in Hand” :

Rapproche-toi de ton enfant en seulement cinq minutes. Envoie-moi l’ebook !

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Article traduit de l’anglais par Sophie Menard, formatrice certifiée à l’approche parentale Hand in Hand.

“Mon fils de sept ans se faisait harceler par ses camarades de classe depuis des mois. Cela avait commencé avec les garçons, mais bientôt, certaines filles avaient aussi commencé à s’en prendre à lui. Notre vie familiale s’en trouvait vraiment impacté et nous devions faire face à de gros épisodes de colère et d’agressivité quand mon fils rentrait de l’école.

Bien sûr, j’ai essayé de parler aux enseignants et aux parents. Tout le monde disait qu’il était désolé, mais rien ne changeait.

Un matin, nous sommes partis en sortie scolaire pendant deux jours, pour laquelle les familles avaient été également invitées. Je décidais d’emmener aussi mes deux plus jeunes enfants.

Voir mon fils être exclu était vraiment dur à observer. Je le voyais essayer désespérément de se faire accepter par le groupe, mais ça finissait toujours en échec. Et c’était encore plus difficile de voir comment tous les enfants ont commencé à exclure aussi ses petites sœurs. Ma fille a été immédiatement harcelée et exclue des jeux, simplement parce qu’elle était la petite sœur de mon fils.

J’étais bouleversé, pas seulement par les enfants, mais aussi par les autres parents, qui pensaient que nous devions “laisser les enfants se débrouiller entre eux”.

Et c’est presque “par vengeance” que j’ai décidé de leur montrer que la situation pouvait être renversée si on mettait en œuvre les bons outils.

Lorsque les enfants se trouvait tous vers les balançoires du parc, j’ai commencé un jeu avec mes propres enfants:  je faisais semblant d’être en colère et je les pourchassais lorsqu’ils m’appelaient par de noms d’oiseaux.

Mes enfants connaissent bien le jeu et l’adorent, mais bientôt, de nombreux autres enfants ont rejoint le jeu, tous m’appelant par des noms parfois…très créatifs !

Je pouvais voir qu’ils avaient vraiment besoin de cela. Ils criaient avec enthousiasme des versions de mon nom et d’autres noms d’oiseaux peu enviables avant de s’enfuir avec joie.

Le jeu a duré environ 40 minutes. Je les ai poursuivis, sans jamais réellement les attraper, tout en me montrant faussement en colère et totalement bouleversée.

À un moment donné, une petite fille a fondu en larmes. Elle protestait contre la nature du jeu et a dit que c’était méchant. Je l’ai écoutée pendant un court instant et je l’ai rassurée en lui disant que c’était acceptable de m’appeler par ces noms, tant que c’était “dans le jeu” et que nous essayions de rire pour dissiper les blessures que les insultes peuvent causer.

Nous avons participé à de nombreuses autres activités lors de la sortie, mais tout au long de la journée, les enfants ont demandé à jouer à nouveau au jeu des insultes. J’ai joué quelques minutes à la fois par-ci, par-là, puis nous avons joué une partie plus longue avant d’aller tous dormir.

Le lendemain, quatre enfants sont venus me demander une autre session, mais cette fois, ils ont demandé des règles différentes. Cette fois, ils voulaient que je les appelle par les mauvais noms qu’ils avaient utilisés la veille. Quand je les appelais par ces noms, ils riaient et riaient, et me demandaient de les poursuivre tout en répétant les noms encore et encore.

Notre session de jeu improvisée a vraiment souligné à quel point les rires et l’écoute peuvent aider les enfants à défaire les nœuds émotionnels qui peuvent causer de la souffrance s’ils sont laissés sans intervention, et j’ai été émerveillé, une fois de plus, par les capacités des enfants à savoir exactement ce dont ils ont besoin pour les aider à guérir leurs blessures.

Il n’a pas fallu longtemps non plus avant qu’ils invitent mes enfants à se joindre à leur jeu.”

Tu veux en apprendre plus sur l’outil utilisé par cette maman, que l’on appelle le Jeu-écoute ? Découvre cet article, Cinq outils d’écoute qui vont transformer ta façon d’être parent.

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So much of the advice about how to handle a range of parenting challenges, and about limit setting in general, suggests that it’s super important to “hold the line” and remain consistent in the limits we set.  And when we can’t manage this, we often feel bad about our parenting.

The importance of being “seen”

In reality, we change our minds, and our plans, more often than we realize.  Probably several times a day.  Our children are watching, and they know this, and in general they can make sense of it.  It’s when we are emotionally inconsistent that they get confused.

What is definitely needed, for things to go well, is your consistent warmth, approval and connection with your child.  Difficulties arise where a child can’t count on a deep sense of connection with, and being “seen” by, their parent (or other primary caregiver).  It is this which allows a child to work through the big and the small challenges that life throws at them, giving them resilience and flexibility.

And Limit Setting, too, does not go well when a sense of connection is absent, or is ruptured, or running low in your relationship with your child.

You aren’t trying to teach

We parents worry!  In particular, we worry that our children will “get the wrong idea”.  Or we assume that the problem is that they don’t understand what is necessary.  So we start to explain, instruct, and teach.

However, our children are incredibly good at learning – they are almost learning machines.  They learn to speak – sometimes in several languages – to walk, to interact socially, mostly without explicit instruction.  Most of the rules of life, and of your family – the things which are important to you – they have already learned by closely watching how you function.  Your child already knows most of the things that you think you need to “teach” her.

Emotional tensions (feelings) get in the way

Why then are our children unable to act on the basis of what they already know.  How come they can’t find workable solutions to the problems they encounter? It’s not because they don’t understand (mostly). It is because they have accumulated emotional tensions.  Feelings get in the way of them connecting with their understanding.  Feelings get in the way of remembering what is important.  Even if your child does remember, feelings will prevent them from caring.

“Off-track” behaviors are a sign of this.  These are the times when our child is having trouble with a transition, or is resisting something which needs to be done, or is being hurtful to others, or is insisting rigidly that something be done, or not be done, a certain way.  These are the ways that our child tells us that they are in trouble – emotional trouble.[i]

At these times it is important that we respond to our children.  Ignoring the “unwanted behavior” isn’t going to help them much. It leaves them alone with the problem which they’ve already told you, via their behavior, that they are unable to resolve.

The “cognitive framework”

When we respond, we often respond from a “cognitive framework” for understanding the difficulty.  We assume that the reason our child is off-track is because they don’t understand.  So we respond with an appeal to their “thinking mind” – with words, concepts, explanations and descriptions of principles (“We don’t hit each other in our family.”, “things go better if you share”, “you need to eat vegetables to stay healthy”, “if you don’t clean your teeth they will rot”).

Unfortunately, our children’s “off-track” behavior has already shown us that they are not in their “thinking mind”.  Words don’t work so well when someone is not thinking.  The problem is not cognitive, it’s emotional. They are in their “feeling mind”.

Reach, not teach

When our child shows us, by their behavior, that they are “off track” and in trouble, we need to reach for our child, to reconnect.  Sometimes, a warm offer of connection will “jump” our child onto a different track, and their resistance melts into co-operation.  The more playfully you can do this, the better. Playfulness is deeply connecting, and is an antidote to the weary, tense tone that we adults often adopt when course-correcting our child.

The ”emotional framework”

When we bring a limit with warmth and gentleness, we are offering connection.  If the warmth we bring isn’t enough to resolve the difficulty, then a firmer (but still warm) limit may work to bring feelings to the surface.  Remember, these feelings are the emotional tensions that are driving our child’s off-track behaviour, and they will be better off without them.

Reaching for our children in this way, we are using an “emotional framework” for understanding the difficulty and how to respond.

Off-track: The challenges of everyday life

Our children’s off-track behavior tends to present in two broad categories.

The first is to do with the challenges of daily life.  These can be as small as your child not wanting to put on their socks, or as large and important as your child not wanting to be buckled into their car seat.  It’s safe to assume that there is usually some kind of emotional tension causing, or contributing to, the snarl in the routine, power struggle, or the safety issue.

In addition, other feelings (possibly about things which are not directly related) can “piggy back” on the difficulty.  Humans don’t like to be carrying emotional tension, as it fouls up our functioning.  So we are always looking for opportunities to offload those tensions – almost any excuse will do.  The teacher was mean in class?  Then homework, or chores, or sharing, might become difficult.  Mummy was working late last night and missed the bed-time routine?  Then getting dressed the next morning or eating breakfast might turn into a struggle, or being unable to play co-operatively, or hitting other children,.

Off-track: Keeping feelings at bay

The other “driver” of unworkable behaviors will be strategies which your child has adopted to squash down hard feelings.  We all do it – when you feel upset or agitated, what do you reach for?  My go-to is caffeine, which I’m pretty sure I was consuming in significant quantities in the womb!  These are the things we do to avoid feelings – watching TV when we should be doing something else, eating, even exercising can be a way for some people to avoid feelings.

These strategies also extend to things we avoid, and things we must have.  So your child won’t happily turn off the light at night because they are scared of the dark, or doesn’t want to visit a friend because they are scared of the cat, or won’t join the swimming class because they are scared of the water.  As for “must haves” many a parent has developed sophisticated work-arounds to make sure that thing is always available – purchasing two teddies, in case one gets lost, or washing and drying blankie while our child is at day care, because bedtime is impossible without it.

We try to “tamp down” feelings because no-one was able to listen to us about them when they first got laid in by some stressful experience.  So for a child, sucking on the pacifier (or dummy as we call it here in Australia) may work to keep feelings at bay.  Extending the bedtime routine may be an attempt to put off the feelings of separation which come up for many children when they finally have to sleep.

These strategies probably come in handy when there’s no-one to listen to us, but unfortunately the feelings don’t go away, they just go underground.  There, they tend to accumulate, and it gets harder to stop them from bubbling up.  So the bedtime routine gets longer and longer, or your child seems to be unable to function unless they have their special soft toy with them.  In general, we tend to accommodate or work around these “preferences” and “needs” in the interests of keeping the routine moving along.  But, more often than not, at some point, the workaround gets to be harder than dealing with the underlying upset.

Upsets are part of the process

It turns out that if we interrupt our child’s “off-track” behaviors, there’s a reasonable chance that feelings will erupt (and so might ours, but that is another article!).  The good news is that in this “emotional framework”, upsets are often the pathway to co-operation and not a sign of something bad.  Tears release grief; sweating, shaking and angry words release fears; and laughter releases lighter fears and embarrassments.  Your child will be able to make more workable decisions after they have had a chance to offload these feelings with a good listener.  They will be able to think better.

Setting Limits brings up feelings

When there is a safety issue (in the category of everyday challenges) , or when you’ve got sick of the drama that ensues when blankie is lost (in category of feeling-squashers), or when the bedtime routine is exhausting you (could be either category of problem), it’s time to Set a Limit. The limit works, effectively, to drive the feelings to the surface, where they can be offloaded.  The real purpose and power of the limit is to bring those feelings to the surface by placing a kind of road-block in the way of the behavior.  An upset is a sign that a limit is doing exactly what it is designed to do.

It depends on the circumstances

Knowing this, you can make a judgement call.  Are you ready to listen when you’ve brought the limit?  Or do you have the energy to divert the difficulty more gently with play?  Or do you leave things as they are – a bit off-track for the time being – because you know you can’t handle the upset right now.  Perhaps you are tired and worn out.  Or grandma is over for dinner and she finds big upsets distressing.  It makes sense to be flexible about this sort of thing.

However, if you are always putting off the upset, then you are probably not doing your child, or yourself, a favor.  The feelings which are driving your child’s off-track behavior today are probably giving them trouble in other areas of their functioning.  And sometimes the load of feelings is so great that they can’t be tamped down, soothed away or distracted from, or the off-track behavior is a genuine question of safety.  At these times, you don’t have the choice but to bring a limit and then listen as best you can.

Flexibility is important

Let’s think about the challenge of getting your child to sleep in their own bed[ii].  Perhaps your child is adamant that they should sleep with you.  If you propose that they sleep alone, it will likely bring up big feelings for your child.  Those feelings are probably about separation, but could be about anything.  Feelings of sadness, frustration, boredom or grief may “piggyback” along for the ride.  Any limit may serve to bring those feelings up to the surface, to be offloaded and left behind.

In this process, you are not trying to “teach them to sleep” (which might require consistency), but instead you are aiming to drain away the feelings which stop them from sleeping.  Every little bit of draining you can do will help.  The feelings which erupt are exactly the feelings which have been making it difficult for them to get to sleep, or stay asleep.  Listening to these feelings as they offload is the key to progress.

Pace Yourself

It is important that you approach this project at a pace that is manageable for you and your child, and at a pace that maintains your child’s trust in you and sense of connection with you.[iii]

Maybe you have listened for a while and can listen no longer.  Or you now need to get to sleep yourself.  Or you can tell that you are beginning to lose patience and are getting irritated, or worse.  Then it’s OK to bring the child back to your bed, or give them back their dummy.  They will probably stop crying, and you, and they, may be able to get some sleep.

You are unlikely to have completely drained the bucket of fears that are keeping them awake.  But I’d bet money that if your child has not finished, and still has a load of feelings in their emotional backpack, they will give you another chance, sooner rather than later, to set a limit and listen to them until they are done.

Consistent connection…not taking a “hard-line”

Focusing on consistency has your attention on the wrong solution (teaching/instruction/information and advice-giving) based on an incorrect (or at least insufficient) understanding of the problem (that the root of the problem is cognitive). In a way, a focus on consistency simply does not give you enough room to move.

The “ emotional framework” puts your focus on connection with your child, and on taking opportunities to set limits when your child is off-track, in order to pull up, and release the feelings which are getting in the way of good thinking and co-operation. Chances are, to keep doing that well, you’ll need to find someone who can listen to you – after all, your child isn’t the only one with feelings!

Go well, stay connected, and pace yourselves.  Parenting is a long-term project.

Not sure where to start with applying HandinHand in your family?  Tried something and it didn’t seem to work? Madeleine loves to help: why not book a Free 20 Minute Consultation, and she can direct you to the best resources and support.

[i] In talking about limit setting, I am assuming that what you are asking of your child is reasonable and workable.  We need to check – with our Listening Partners, or with someone with whom we can talk about the details and challenges of parenting.  Ask “Is my limit reasonable?” and “Am I going to be able to hold this limit (i.e.  enforce it)”.  Expecting a two year old to get through the supermarket without touching anything, for instance, is not reasonable or workable.  Insisting on an early bedtime with an older toddler when they napped for several hours in the day may not be reasonable or workable.  Expecting your older child not to scroll on his phone at night may not be reasonable or workable, given how addictive digital devices can be.

[ii] Just to be clear, I don’t have a “position” on sleeping arrangements.  I’m a fan of “musical beds” – such that everyone is sleeping in a bed big enough for them to sleep there reasonably comfortably with someone else if necessary.  Who sleeps where depends on what is going on in your household at any particular point in time.  That said, if your child’s insistence on sleeping with you is wearing you out, then it might be time to embark on the emotional project of helping them relax about where and who they sleep with.  On the other side of the project, they may, or may not, sometimes sleep here, and other times sleep there, depending on what works best for everyone, but the choice won’t be rigid.

[iii] To bolster your child’s sense of connection with you, especially when you notice that you are having to set lots of limits, it’s good to make sure that you are doing plenty of Special Time with your child.   This is the Listening Tool that gives your child a deep sense that you are on their side.  They will “borrow” from this when you set a limit – at which time they are probably convinced that you are not on their side!

The post What if Consistency is not Vital? appeared first on Hand in Hand Parenting.

As a toddler, if he wanted my attention he’d climb up on my lap and turn my face away from whoever I was talking to. 

If he did not want to go to preschool – and that was often – he would stall from the minute he woke up. 

And on those days?

He would not eat breakfast. 

He would not stop playing. 

He would not get dressed. 

He would not put on a coat or carry a bag. 

He would not leave the house. 

And he would not, no, he definitely would not, climb the stairs up to pre-school. 

You can guess where all of this ended? A raging tantrum or meltdown.

And all the while I heard my dad’s voice in my mind: “Just make him do it.”

Oh Dad, how I tried. 

I was doing all the things to stop tantrums—but nothing worked

When I looked online I read that a good strategy to stop tantrums was to ignore them. As in walk the other way. Maybe it works for some kids. But not mine. In fact, ignoring his protests and defiant “No’s” seemed to fire up his fury. 

So, I tried to ignore them other ways. I tried to stop tantrums from happening at all. First I tried to go with his flow, thinking that would make everything rosy.

If he wanted toast instead of oatmeal, I made it. If he wanted to leave without a jacket, sure. If he wanted to stuff his bag with 3000 legos, two fat, heavy books, his dinosaur stuffy and his favorite pen (which I would have to lug around for him), go for it. I just wanted things to run smoothly – even if I was fuming inside. 

But it would take an age to do anything. I got annoyed and lectured, while he covered his ears, or yelled. 

If that didn’t work, I tried fake threats. I’d say things like, “I’ll have to call your teacher and you can tell her why you don’t want to come.”

Naturally he soon found out I was bluffing!

After setting limit after limit on whatever I wanted to be done and seeing it ignored, I became a champion barterer. I exchanged cookies for goodwill. I exchanged no showers for a smooth bedtime. I exchanged more time for eventually leaving without any big upsets.

Seriously,  “Just one more minute and then we have to leave,” became a regular mantra. 

After that, I resorted to yelling and timeouts.

But honestly? Nothing worked.

“I burned with embarrassment…”

My son’s frequent response was to lay on the floor shouting, crying, and refusing to move. His tantrums seemed epic. There felt no way to stop them.

We regularly got to the point where all I felt I could do was peel his rigid back off the floor, scoop him up into my arms and carry him howling to where we needed to go. 

I burned with embarrassment. I walked with my head down trying to avoid all the judgy looks I imagined going on around me.

The only upside, it seemed to me, was that I developed some seriously sculpted arms, because after not too long I found myself carrying my big, strong, rambunctious three-year-old everywhere. 

But it was clear.

Although my arms were strong, my resolve was weak. 

He ruled the roost while I felt I had zero control over anything. It soon seemed like the whole family was skipping to his beat. 

Any parenting expert would tell you that this was not a good place to be. A 3-year-old cannot handle that kind of power. And my heart grew heavy when I thought of all the years of parenting still to come. I imagined him as a 15-year-old, lying beneath his covers, refusing to get up and go to school while I stood by powerless. 

I knew I needed to change things, but how? It felt like I’d tried all the parenting tips and tricks ever dreamed up. 

I had no real clue how to make a meaningful change that would actually work. 

Until I discovered a whole new way to respond to his behavior. 

Why doing these things won’t stop tantrums

By toddlerhood most kids are experimenting with boundaries. It comes with a natural desire to exert independence. And testing boundaries is good, as children begin to learn what happens as a result. Seen this way, testing limits is quite a grand experiment in cause and effect. 

But, it can be frustrating, especially in toddlerhood, when some children test boundaries thick and fast. 

And yet, saying no all the time can make us parents feel like the fun-sponges of childhood. Who wants to be a fun-sponge?!!

We may also second-guess our decisions. Would an extra cookie really hurt? What’s five more minutes anyway?

Most of us also felt the wrath of an angry adult when we were kids. It hurt. It felt unfair. Like we didn’t get a say. As adults we vowed to respond to our kids in a kinder way. But how does that work if they won’t listen?

The hidden costs when parents avoid tantrums

The thing is, by saying yes, I was trying to avoid upset. I was trying to keep things happy and jolly for both of us.

But this was dancing on eggshells.

By saying yes like I did, or by giving so many choices, by trying to placate or even barter, I was teaching my son that if he negotiated enough, my “no,” would become a “yes.”

It could happen fast, or it could happen later. But soon he knew. If he cried, screamed, got angry or cried I’d try everything I could to fix things – until I lost it. 

As Hand in Hand’s founder Patty Wipfler explains in her post, When Your Kids Will Do Anything To Get Attention, the child becomes the centre of things. The squeaky wheel who “uses the threat of a disappointment, a fight, a whine, a descent into desperation, or an explosion that, on some days, can be triggered by any tiny thing.”

It sets you up for regular daily battles. It’s exhausting.

And although I felt like I could stop tantrums by giving in, I soon saw that the tantrum didn’t disappear. Instead, we’d battle over a million other little things until one of us got angry, screamed and cried. 

Which is why learning that tantrums are a good thing was a monumental mindshift.

Tantrums are good for your child. Here’s why…

In an effort to keep things less explosive, I’d been running from tantrums. An effort that returned dismal results. Hand in Hand Parenting advises welcoming them. 

Crying and tantruming are a natural way for kids to offload emotions and feelings. As natural as their desire to test limits. 

Life can feel a tough and daunting place for children, just as it can for us. Toddlers face many frustrations and fears – from eating, to dressing, to friendships, to play and new experiences. All of that fear and frustration can mount up in a child’s body. It can be too much to process. Overwhelming. Challenging behavior is a first signal that your child may have feelings bothering them. After this, it shows up in crying, upset, tantrums and meltdowns.

Crying releases the child of these tensions.

When a cry finishes naturally, what follows is often a period of calm because the fear and frustration has been released. 

In fact, listening to your child when they let out their anger, tears and frustration can be helpful in many ways. It can:

• Help validate a child’s feelings: When we can listen to a tantrum, we show our children that all feelings are valid. Sadness is just as valid as happiness, anger is just as valid as joy. (This felt pretty radical to me, because I grew up in a family where these emotions were not welcome). 
• Help a child regulate their emotions: Welcoming tantrums gives kids good opportunities to learn how to self-regulate, to notice how situations or circumstances cause them to feel things, how that feels in their bodies, and to work through the uncomfortable feelings. 
• Build a strong connection between you and your child: Getting comfortable with tantrums shows your child that you are there for them through thick and thin. 
• Demonstrate empathy and acceptance: When we can treat kids and all their feelings with empathy and acceptance, they will grow up to do the same for themselves and those around them. I think we’d all agree that the world could use more folks who know how to handle emotions. 
• Build resilience: When you stay close and calm with a tantruming child, you hold the trust that they will work through the emotion and come out feeling brighter and freer. They learn that they control their feelings, not the other way around. When feelings scare them, they can fight the fear and do things anyway. 

Thing was, because I had tried to stop tantrums, this process was halted.

By the time I had placated, bribed and bargained, I was in no shape mentally to listen to a big cry. Very often, I was also out of time. By scooping my child up and carting him around, I forced him to do what was necessary, but did not recognise or respond to the frustration and genuine upset behind the behavior. 

“How can listening stop tantrums?” I asked myself…

So how do you actually pull off this tantrum-welcoming, trust-and-resilience-building feat?

You’ll know days when tantrums are brewing.

These are days when everything seems a bit more difficult for your child. When they find it hard to focus on a task. They can’t play. They often refuse to do what you ask. 

To test the waters, it can be helpful to say yes once to when they refuse or get grumpy. (Just once is fine!). 

Say your child refuses to wear the shirt you picked out. They want a different one. 

Try saying yes just that one time. 

If your child puts on the new shirt and moves on happily, all good. 

If your child puts on the new shirt but continues whining or gets defiant you know it’s time to set a limit around the next thing that comes up. Very often you can expect some strong feelings from your child about your limit. 

A framework for setting limits your child will listen to

This is Hand in Hand’s framework for setting a limit. 

Listen:

Stop, listen and think. Before you act, think about what might be causing your child’s dissatisfaction. This includes the part I just described – is your child satisfied after you say yes once? 

Or, is what you have asked them to do beyond their ability? For instance, waiting silently in line for too long? Could you lighten things up by playing a hand game or have a staring contest. 

Are you exhausted? Are you thinking about saying no to something you might usually say yes to because you don’t have the energy, like play or getting paints out? It’s fine to change up your usual rules and standards, but explain why, and that your decision is based on your needs. This may or may not be acceptable to your child. (You’ll soon find out!).

If you can’t figure things out, try asking your child what’s happening for them. Get on their eye level and ask why they are yelling or are unwilling to share. Listening to their reply can help your child offload their feelings before their behavior escalates. 

And if they are already yelling, raging, or loudly refusing, you already know. It’s time to move to a limit.

Limit:

Before, this would be the moment I’d angrily insist my son get his shoe on (which he’d throw at me). Or I’d tell him off for holding us up. It got me nowhere. So I learned to bring the limit calmly. To do this, act first and talk second. Move in close. Hold a hand that is about to throw a shoe. Make eye contact. Bring the limit. 

“No. We don’t throw shoes.” 

Keep it brief, keep it light, keep it firm. You can even say it sing-song. And then keep quiet. Your child’s feelings are likely to bubble up right about now. 

Listen:

Tune into your child and listen. You really do not need to say much other than, “I know it’s hard,” or “I’m right here.”

You may notice your child squirm, sweat, or struggle to run away. Try to stay close and kind. Taking this time just to listen will help your child recover and return to a more even state later, but try not to rush for calm to return. 

Sometimes you will rotate through this listen, limit, listen cycle again, or even a few times. You will see your child naturally come to a calm state after they work off the feelings and emotions, and sometimes that can seem to happen fast while sometimes it takes a while. 

What I’ve noticed is that moving in and starting this process the minute I see my son going off-track is most helpful. When I set the limit early, I side-step a day full of complaints and whining, a day where my son refuses request after request. 

When I remind myself the tantrum is helpful, when I breathe, take a minute to engage, and then listen, we often have a great day. 

My son, happy and light, laughs a lot on those days. He comes out with bucketloads of knowledge bombs with facts and stats I never even knew he knew. And, he actually becomes very co-operative. 

Resisting crying can sometimes feel easier

Even though I know the healing power of a good cry, I still resist my child’s tantrums some days. I tell myself I can’t listen to anything, let alone welcome his upset. 

Part of me wonders if it’s because my mind reverts back to those early days. I still expect a day full of battles and I say yes more than once – until I catch myself. 

Other times I just feel tired.

Sometimes it’s because I still misinterpret his behaviors. I’ve noticed that he resists tantrums, maybe because he senses I am reluctant to welcome them. Instead, he asks for snacks, more TV, or for me to look at him doing whatever he’s doing. Seen from the outside, it’s obvious. He’s seeking connection. But caught in the moment I still often overlook these small yet insistent requests.

On days when I start to feel annoyed and can’t quite put my finger on why, or days I know I don’t want to listen, I ask myself questions like these:

• Has my child resisted me more than three times? I wonder what’s going on?
• Is my child going through anything new or different that may have caused extra fear or frustration?
• Have I set a limit using the listen-limit-listen approach, or have I given a half-hearted no. This is when I don’t make eye contact, or I say a no from the kitchen when my child is in the living room.
• Am I feeling too tired or drained to deal with crying and upset right now? This is ok, by the way. I’ve found a few days can pass and then my son might cry after we’ve had a good time together – when I am way more open to listening. Kids can be so smart that way. 
• Am I very involved in a current or planned task, so my child has not fully been able to show or release feelings? Just noticing this sometimes allows me to step away for a few minutes to be with him. 
• Have I played, laughed or connected with my child recently? See below for why this is useful. 
• Do I have negative feelings about my child’s defiance, whining, or upset or around the subject that may be causing their behavior?

The questioning process allows you to catch up with yourself and check in with your child in the moment, and is often the time I go to him and set a limit. You may also uncover habits or patterns that are helpful for the future. 

For instance, I always found listening to “It’s not fair,” whining tricky because those words were banned in the house I grew up in. It’s hard to listen and be empathetic when you were not listened to, and I’ll hear myself lecturing rather than listening.

Another time, I noticed my son’s defiance would flair if he felt rushed. He needed more space and time than I did to get something done. This was at odds with my style, which is often rushed and last minute. “Quickly popping out” for milk could easily become an epic battle of wills until I realised that this easy task for me was actually difficult for him. 

How Good Planning Can Help Stop Tantrums

If I wanted him to tidy crayons away before dinner, he needed to know early on that I expected that – not when I was carrying plates of piping hot food to a messy table. (You have no idea how many times it took me doing that before the realisation clicked!).

These days I try to plan better, but also to listen more if he has feelings about being rushed. 

One great tool for de-mystifying seemingly surprise acts of defiance and upset was in my Listening Partnership. This is where another parent and I listen to each other over the phone.  Having them listen while I got to muse, wonder and complain about things (like how unfair it felt to me to have to plan), definitely eased the negative charge I had and helped me stay calmer and more laid-back when the same thing happened later at home. 

Incidentally, I’ve also noticed his “It’s not fair,” quickly gives way to a requested task getting completed if I lightly shrug and give an empathetic nod. Hoorah!

This was of setting limits has, for us, been instrumental.

We do not fight like we did. I don’t see so nearly as much resistance. Limits are not associated with anger. They help us get more done. In fact, I actually need to set limits a lot less.

These six other ideas stop tantrums before they start

This does not mean that you have to listen to hours and hours of tantrums. (Show me the parent who would sign up for that!). 

In fact, listening and holding space for your child’s tantrums often results in fewer tantrums, simply because your child’s backlog of feelings is regularly released. 

But there are several other things you can do to stop tantrums happening as often. 

These ideas boost your child’s sense of connection with you, which keeps them feeling secure and confident. They also offer your child alternative opportunities to work through and release emotions. Use them together for maximum results. 

Special Time – This is a special way to play one-on-one where you hand control to your child for a small window of time. There is a dual benefit of doing Special Time. Your child gets to call the shots, giving them an opportunity to exert that much craved independence. They get your undivided attention, which keeps them feeling warm, cosy and connected with you. If we’ve had a busy few days, I increase the amount of Special Time because it is so effective at rebalancing my relationship with my son. There is a free guide on Special Time here. 

Physical connection – Physical touch is a great way to build connection. This creates a natural sense of ease and belonging. Try a morning hug, ruffling your child’s hair, rubbing noses, piggy-backs, swing-arounds or blowing raspberries on your child’s belly. 

Empathy – When you empathise rather than offer solutions, your child feels heard. “Oh, you didn’t want to wear those pants today? The others are dirty. I know, it sucks!” 

Play – Vary quiet, bonding play, like drawing, sand and mixing potions, with loud, competitive play which helps your child release their feelings through movement. Try hide and seek, chase, and pillow fights. If you let your child “win” most of the time, they’ll experience extra bundles of good delight often. (Here’s why it’s OK to let your child win).

Laughter – Sometimes my child gets what I call the zoomies, where he gets loud, smacks me on the butt, rushes around the house and does other things I used to find annoying. Until I realised these were his connection bids. Once I stopped chastising him and started meeting his energy instead by acting like a goof-ball myself (underpants on my head is always a win) he’d laugh and laugh. Laughter is a great way for kids to release lighter fears and frustrations. 

Playlistening – I think of this as “play with purpose”. It’s play that you set up to generate fun around areas your child finds tricky or difficult. If your child is like mine and doesn’t like to leave the house for school, pick a time when you don’t have to be anywhere and “play” around leaving. Get dressed all wrong and pretend to leave. Or say you are leaving and then head to the kitchen or wardrobe and pretend it’s another world. Tell a plush toy it’s time to leave and have the toy whine and complain and beg you to stay. You are really limited only by your imagination, and as long as your child laughs, you’ll know things are going well. This kind of play can be a wonderful way to lift any negative charge that has built up around a situation. It works best if you can set up the play and then let your child lead what happens during your time together. (Here’s why…)

You’ll find that when you begin to use all these strategies through the weeks and months ahead, changes will happen. 

Your child will listen when you set a limit. Limits will be easier for you to set, and tantrums not such a heart-wrenching experience. You will feel close to being that patient parent you want to be. Your child’s outlook will shift.  You will see less resistance and defiance. Your child will feel more free and able to comply with your requests. 

And even better, you will feel a deep sense of closeness, connection and understanding of your child. 

That has been the most surprising and most rewarding benefit for me. 

My son’s fiery fury is long-gone

If your child is testing limits and fights every request you make, I hope this post helps. Identifying whining, resistant and defiant behavior as a symptom of a deeper need was a major turning point for me. Setting a limit and then listening took me time to believe in and to practice – and many days I resisted. I’m sure there will be times like this for you too. But if you keep at it I know you’ll see results. 

What gave me hope was seeing my son beam at me, happy and content, when his cries were finished.

And, over the last few years, he is lifted from the heavy burden of carrying all those feelings around everyday. His anger and frustration are gone. He seems so at ease, and has grown into a confident, funny, very intelligent boy, who is increasingly willing to try more new things. (Play dates! After-school activities! Broccoli!). 

He is still an inspired negotiator, and with the fire and fury behind it gone he is turning this skill into an actual asset. I’m no longer his enemy, I’m his parent, his coach and his biggest champion. And I no longer worry about how he’ll turn out at 15. 

If your child often resists your requests, gets angry and defiant, I know how long the days can feel. Try these tools. Embrace the cries. They may feel like the opposite of what everyone else is doing, but they work.

Do let me know what changes you see in your family. I can’t wait to hear about your transformations. 

The post Seven Surprise Ways To Stop Tantrums In Their Tracks appeared first on Hand in Hand Parenting.

The man at my parenting talk is exasperated by his two-year-old son’s behavior.

“First, he wants a glass of milk,” he tells me. “I pour the glass and hand it to him, and he gets upset and says he doesn’t want it. So I say, ‘Okay, then, I’ll drink the milk.’ I’m trying to show him I’m flexible. But he fusses and says, ‘No, don’t drink it, I want it!’ I offer it to him again, and he swats it away! What in the world is going on?”

He adds that these episodes are increasing. What could end this cycle of contradictory wants that is spiraling out of control? What is he doing wrong? What does his son need?

Signs A Tantrum Is Coming

This child was teetering on the edge of a tantrum, a very uncomfortable place for him and for his parents. Every child I know has moments when nothing they ask for actually helps, and when every attempt to fill their need seems to make things worse. I offered the father a fresh perspective on tantrums that makes parenting young children much simpler, if not easier. The headline is that you can safely and serenely allow your child to have the tantrum they are heading toward. That tantrum is necessary. It’s healthy, and it’s healing. All you need to add is your warm attention. The tantrum you permit them to have clears a jam in their mental and emotional system so they can think well again.

Let’s look at this approach in more general terms. Most of us evaluate our parenting in a very straightforward way. When our children are happy, cooperative, loving, and polite, we take pride in them and in ourselves as parents. When our children are unhappy or unreasonable, we figure that something has gone wrong, and we tend to blame ourselves or them. In short, we’ve been trained to think of children’s upsets as “bad.”

When an upset arises, we want to put an end to it as quickly as possible. Some parents try distraction or reasoning; others use intimidation and force. Whatever our methods, conventional wisdom has it that it’s our job to end the upset. We require our children to tuck their upsets away and be “good” again. We don’t want them to grow up to be uncivilized, and we don’t want to feel or look like “bad” parents with “bad” children.

But what if, contrary to what we’ve grown up believing, tantrums and other expressions of feelings are actually useful? What if a tantrum is like an emotional sneeze — a natural reaction meant to clear out foreign material? Perhaps the usual struggle of parent versus child at emotional moments doesn’t have to take place. Perhaps we can throw away the mental chalkboard on which every meltdown is a mark against our children or ourselves.

A New Way To View Tantrums

There are four pivotal perceptions that can help us see tantrums in a new light

• Children enjoy being easy-going, loving, cooperative, and eager to learn. Children are built to take in lots of good experiences, and to operate with joy and enthusiasm.
• Children’s good nature can be obscured by bad feelings. When they are sad, frightened, bored, frustrated, or embarrassed, or when they feel alone or unappreciated, their good nature becomes clouded with bad feelings. This emotional tension pulls their behavior off track, away from trust, cooperation, and enthusiasm. When they are loaded with bad feelings, children literally can’t think.
• Hurt feelings confine a child to unloving, fearful, or irrational behavior. A child will openly present this behavior in order to signal for help. The child who wanted milk, then didn’t, then did, then didn’t, was signaling as plainly as they could that their ability to think was compromised. They were asking for help with a knot of unruly feelings.
• A child who is upset or inflexible can recover their ability to reason and to be pleased. To do this, they need a supportive adult close by, while they work through their upset.

Feelings Spilled are Feelings Resolved

A child cries, throws a tantrum, or sometimes trembles and struggles, to expose and offload their bad feelings. During upset, a child does their best to dig themselves out of an irrational state. My suggestion to the father whose son was on the verge of a tantrum may seem counterintuitive, but it works. He could stop trying to solve the unsolvable glass of milk problem, move close to his son, and pay full attention to whatever happens next.

His son will lead the way.

Usually, when a child feels that the parent has slowed down and is interested in them, rather than in solving a practical problem, the feelings rise up and spill out, just the way they’re meant to. Feelings spilled are feelings resolved. Feelings spilled are not a child’s permanent assessment of the quality of our parenting. The father could listen with care to the tantrum, keeping his son safe throughout, trusting that he will soon make his way back to a reasonable state of mind.

It takes courage to listen to your first tantrum from beginning to end. It’s usually an emotional wringer for the parent who tries it. Like opening your eyes underwater for the first time, you may worry that you are doing damage. But the results are almost always thoroughly convincing. Your child feels heard. They see that you’ve stayed with them through the worst of how they felt. Their mind clears, and life satisfies them again.

As parents gain experience staying close through their children’s emotional storms, they find that the trip no longer feels quite so risky or grueling. Their child’s upsets, which once seemed to point to a serious failure, now simply signal the need for a good cry, or a good tantrum. The child’s system is on the fritz, no blame or shame involved, and the remedy is wet and wild, but simple.

Tantrums Help The Learning Process

Tantrums arise as children’s expectations become more ambitious and more detailed. Their ideas of what they want to do are grand, yet their abilities grow only through the messy process of trial and error.

You know the scenario. Your child can’t make things go their way and, to their credit, won’t give up trying. Eventually, they run out of new approaches. They want to succeed, but can’t figure out how. Your well-meaning suggestions don’t help, because in this emotional state they can’t make use of any guidance; they must either fall apart or abandon the effort. Distracting them from the effort sometimes heads off the tantrum in the short run but doesn’t help in the long run. When they return to that learning task or that expectation (or when, five minutes later, they finds another pretext to ignite their feelings), frustration will flare again, because until a tantrum dissolves it, the frustration stays pocketed inside them, agitating to be released. Feelings of frustration are an everyday glitch in the learning process, an unavoidable result of the clash between what children expect and what turns out to be possible.

As director of an infant-toddler day care center, I saw tantrums happen for each and every child. We built very close relationships with the children. We saw all of them go through periods of time when they could meet challenges without losing their equilibrium. Inevitably, however, a time came when it seemed that any small disappointment would trigger a tantrum. We saw that children who were about to walk, children who were about to talk, and children who were moving toward closer relationships with each other were likely to have regular tantrums. Actually, we usually noticed the tantrums first, and observed carefully to figure out the leap the child was working hard to make. We adults are trained to be so dependent on verbal language that we tend to be on the slow side in reading the language of children’s behavior fluently.

I remember J, who was beginning to say her first words. Suddenly she would scream, throw herself down on the floor, and press her cheek into the soft carpet. She crawled, crying and plowing her cheek across the floor, for five or ten minutes. I would stay close and be the bumper that kept her from hitting her head on the furniture as she worked her way noisily around the room. I would murmur that I saw how hard it was, that she was doing a good job of showing me how she felt, and I stayed ready to welcome her into my arms when her explosion was completed. Finally, she would sit peacefully on my lap, let me meet her gaze and stroke her sweaty head, and then she was ready to play.

After a few weeks of many meltdowns, more words were at her disposal, and her tantrums subsided.

When he was two, my younger son had a set of tantrums that are etched in my mind. He was intently hitting a balloon toward the ceiling over and over again. I thought nothing of it until he suddenly collapsed in an active frenzy. I came closer and gave him my attention, not knowing what had happened to set him off, but knowing that once he had begun, he needed to finish, and needed me there. After five minutes or so, his mind cleared and he got up, we connected, and he went back to hitting the balloon high again. One hit, and he threw himself back down, kicking and thrashing. At that point, I realized what was going on: he thought he ought to be able to make the balloon hit the ceiling, and he couldn’t! His expectation stretched beyond his ability. After another, shorter blast of frustrated energy, he finished, connected with me, and picked up the balloon to play with it again. He was finally happy with what he could do with the balloon. These “learning leap” and “expectation adjustment” tantrums are vital, integral parts of the learning process.

When your child’s learning curve is high, when they are hopeful and active, tantrums may be frequent; they are regaining their ability to try again when they have failed and adjusting their expectations of themselves, of what they are permitted to do, and of you. They are learning by experience and blasting away the negative feelings that sometimes come with trying so hard and meeting disappointment. Tantrums are the “sneeze” that ejects the foreign material of frustration from your child’s mind and body, so they can be proud of their abilities and their circumstances again.

In Part Two of Patty’s Ultimate Guide to Tantrums you can find out how to get comfortable allowing tantrums, how upsets can help kids work on deep-down core issues and how you can respond to extended crying sessions to build trust.

From the Hand in Hand Toolbox:

• Discover how children’s emotions are linked to their behaviors. Download this free guide
• Are tantrums at bedtime an issue.  Find support here
• When multiple children have big feelings, here is what you to do.
  

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The post Why Tantrums Happen and How You Can Help…Part 1 appeared first on Hand in Hand Parenting.

L’école peut être source de nombreux changements – et de nombreux sentiments à l’égard de ces changements. Pour certains enfants, l’école peut représenter un défi de taille. Ils se sentent anxieux et stressés, mais nous ne nous en rendrons peut-être jamais compte.

Souvent, les enfants ne nous disent pas qu’ils sont anxieux à propos de l’école, du moins pas de la façon dont nous nous y attendons.

Au contraire, ils nous le montrent.

Recherche les signes “secrets” de stress et d’anxiété

Si ton enfant pouvait s’approcher de toi et toi dire : “J’aimerais parler de cette histoire d’école. Je ne sais pas trop à quoi m’attendre. Je ne suis pas sûr d’être prêt”, il le ferait certainement.

Mais même les enfants qui s’expriment très bien, ont du mal à être aussi directs.

Au lieu de cela, et afin de nous alerter sur leurs craintes persistantes et leur anxiété, les enfants essaient de nous le montrer d’autres façons.

Souvent de manière agaçante.

Ou de manière frustrante.

Ou d’une manière qui nous touche également sur le plan émotionnel.

L’Institut Gottman appelle ces signaux des “offres d’attention“.

Chaque enfant est différent, mais voici ce que tu peux observer si un enfant est anxieux à propos d’un nouveau trimestre ou d’un nouvel enseignant.

• Certains enfants peuvent devenir très collants.
• Il peut y avoir plus de larmes, plus souvent, apparemment pour rien ou de nulle part.
• Les pleurnicheries peuvent augmenter soudainement.
• Tu observeras des comportements agressifs tels que la rage, les coups de pied, les coups de poing et les morsures.
• Ton enfant peut devenir très exigeant sur la façon dont il veut que les choses soient faites.
• Si tu n’arrives jamais à couper un morceau de pain grillé “comme il faut”, tu es peut-être sur la piste de la nervosité et de l’inquiétude de ton enfant.

Qu’est-ce qui motive ces appels à la connexion ?

Les enfants cherchent à attirer l’attention lorsqu’ils ne sont pas sûrs de la place qu’ils occupent dans leur monde.

Lorsqu’un nouveau bébé arrive et menace de leur voler tout l’amour qu’ils ont pour eux, par exemple.

Ou lorsqu’il y a une préoccupation imminente, comme l’école.

Et si l’on y réfléchit bien, les pleurnicheries, le fait de s’accrocher et les comportements exigeants attirent rapidement l’attention. Ils offrent également une porte de sortie au stress qu’ils subissent. Un moyen d’évacuer l’anxiété. Lorsque les enfants peuvent se débarrasser de ces sentiments d’anxiété, ils parviennent à surmonter leurs craintes avant l’école.

Cependant, ces tentatives d’attirer l’attention ne sont pas totalement efficaces lorsque les parents les interprètent comme un comportement visant à les pousser à bout et tentent de les faire taire.

Comment répondre aux demandes d’attention d’un enfant avant l’école ?

Une fois que les sentiments d’anxiété d’un enfant ont un endroit où ils peuvent s’exprimer, ils perdent leur pouvoir. Il en va de même pour les adultes.

Imagine que tu aies un appel important à passer. Tu es tendu et nerveux. Pourtant, tu as beau te dire que tu dois passer cet appel, tu n’arrives pas à décrocher le téléphone.

Imagine que tu parles de ces craintes à un ami. Tu lui dis à quel point cela peut paraître stupide ou tu lui expliques exactement pourquoi tu te sens inquiet. Comment te sens-tu après cet appel ?

Tu ne vas pas te précipiter pour décrocher le téléphone, mais l’idée de le faire ne te semble pas si insupportable ou impossible. En fait, plus tu t’accordes de l’espace et de la générosité, plus cela devient facile. Plus la distance entre l’idée de passer l’appel et le fait de décrocher le téléphone, de composer le numéro et de dire “Bonjour” se réduit.

Il en va de même pour les enfants et leurs craintes concernant l’école.

S’approcher, écouter et répondre gentiment à un enfant, même si ce qu’il dit n’a rien à voir avec l’école, peut l’aider.

Cela donne à l’enfant un exutoire qui l’aide à évacuer son anxiété refoulée.

Lorsque tu lui donnes l’occasion de s’exprimer, il travaille sur ses peurs et se rapproche d’un sentiment de satisfaction à l’égard de l’école.

Un moyen efficace d’y parvenir est de fixer une limite et de s’y tenir. L’approche en trois étapes de Hand in Hand pour fixer une limite est idéale parce qu’elle offre à l’enfant un espace pour exprimer ses sentiments et favorise une réaction chaleureuse et de soutien.

Clique-ici pour en savoir plus.

10 façons d’aider les enfants qui se sentent anxieux à l’idée de commencer l’école

Tu peux également faire en sorte que ton enfant ait la possibilité de se défaire de son anxiété à propos de l’école, de manière ludique et en lui apportant ton soutien. Ces 10 idées te donneront de nombreuses pistes pour y parvenir.

1. Renforce le sentiment de sécurité à la maison

Environ une semaine avant la rentrée scolaire, prépare-toi à passer environ 10 minutes par jour à te concentrer uniquement sur ton enfant et sur ce à quoi il veut jouer. C’est ce que nous appelons le Temps Particulier à Hand in Hand et cela fonctionne à merveille pour renforcer le sentiment de sécurité.

Pour en savoir plus sur le Temps Particulier et découvrir notre checklist, cliquez ici.

2. Joue en exagérant

Multipliez les jeux. Jouez beaucoup et laisse ton enfant prendre l’initiative.

S’il te demande de jouer doucement, suis ses instructions. S’il veut jouer à fond, fais de ton mieux pour répondre à sa demande !

Les jeux vivants, comme les batailles d’oreillers, les rouleaux de burrito et le jeu du chat, sont très efficaces pour aider à éliminer le stress et la tension accumulés par le biais du toucher physique. Tu sauras que c’est le cas lorsque ton enfant rira aux éclats – ou, tu peux t’y attendre, pleurera.

(Si ton enfant trouve une petite chose à propos de laquelle pleurer, il utilise en fait les larmes comme un exutoire pour se débarrasser d’une certaine peur – nous y reviendrons plus tard).

Cette façon de jouer est nouvelle pour toi ? Nous le comprenons ! Découvre ici ce que tu peux attendre de cette forme de jeu et comment démarrer un Jeu-écoute.

3. Accueille les sentiments de ton enfant

Ne sois pas surpris si un enfant semble trouver des raisons de pleurer pendant le jeu.

Lorsque ces larmes coulent, c’est un peu comme lorsque nous avons eu une journée très difficile. Une personne charmante nous dit quelque chose de gentil. Que se passe-t-il ? Nous nous retrouvons à pleurer !

Le soulagement que nous ressentons en sachant que nous sommes toujours aimés et que le monde va bien est le même pour nos enfants !

Très souvent, un enfant se sert d’un petit coup ou d’un atterrissage brutal comme d’une bonne excuse pour faire le vide émotionnel en pleurant.

Dans ces moments-là, penche-toi sur lui et écoute. Il n’est pas nécessaire de dire grand-chose, il suffit d’être là et de dire quelque chose de temps en temps, comme “Je sais que c’est difficile” ou “Tu es en sécurité ici”.

Parfois, cela fera couler plus de larmes, mais c’est encore une fois une bonne chose. Ton enfant prend le temps de se débarrasser de ses peurs et de ses inquiétudes.

Pour en savoir plus sur les raisons scientifiques de l’efficacité de cette stratégie d’écoute, consulte l’article, La science derrière l’outil Rester-écouter dans l’approche parentale Hand in Hand.

4. Fais des bisous supplémentaires et des câlins surprises.

Considère le temps passé avant l’école comme un moment privilégié pour être proche de ton enfant.

Cela renforce son sentiment de confiance, de connexion et d’estime de soi.

Comme le souligne cet article en anglais, 80 % des adultes déclarent ne pas s’être sentis aimés par leurs parents.

Nous pouvons changer cela pour nos enfants.

En recherchant des occasions de les “surprendre” en train d’être adorables, en les remarquant et en nous réjouissant de leurs traits de caractère particuliers.

Ainsi, lorsqu’ils jouent, approche-toi discrètement et dépose un baiser surprise sur leur joue douce. Passe cinq minutes de plus dans la journée en te blottissant contre eux un livre à la main, ou reste quelques minutes de plus avec eux après l’extinction des feux.

Ces efforts remplissent le réservoir affectif des enfants et apaisent leur anxiété.

5. Écoute aussi tes sentiments

Si tu veux donner à ton enfant toutes les bonnes occasions dont il a besoin pour se débarrasser de ses peurs et de ses inquiétudes concernant l’entrée à l’école, tu devras peut-être passer par de nombreuses séances de Temps Particulier, de jeu et d’écoute des pleurs de ton enfant.

Cela peut être émotionnellement et physiquement fatigant pour nous, parents.

Assure-toi d’avoir quelqu’un pour t’écouter et pour comprendre ce que tu ressens face à cette situation. Pense à rejoindre notre réseau gratuit Hand in Hand, bientôt disponible en français, où les parents et les modérateurs font un excellent travail en offrant une communauté et un soutien dans les moments difficiles.

6. Aborde souvent le sujet de l’école

Ne cesse pas de parler de l’école – tu pourrais même tenir un calendrier et cocher les jours jusqu’au premier jour – et trouver des prétextes pour aborder le sujet :

• Amusez-vous à choisir quelques trucs spéciaux dont tes enfants pourraient avoir besoin pour l’école, puis arrêtez-vous pour manger une glace.
• Prenez le chemin de l’école.
• Visitez l’école même si les portes sont encore fermées pour les vacances.
• Organisez un rendez-vous avec des amis de l’école.
• Jouez à “l’école” et observe les réactions de ton enfant. Est-il heureux de jouer ou réticent ? Veut-il être un enseignant ou un élève ? Comment interagit-il avec toi dans ton rôle au cours du jeu ?

Ces actions permettent non seulement à l’enfant de se familiariser avec l’école, mais aussi de s’exprimer sur ce qu’il ressent à son égard.

Souviens-toi que cela peut prendre la forme de pleurs, de gémissements ou de nombreuses demandes de jeux et de proximité, ou encore de déclarations provocatrices, comme celles-ci :

• “Je ne veux pas aller à l’école”.
• “Je n’irai pas.”
• “L’école est nulle et je la déteste.
• “Je n’irai jamais à l’école.”
• “Je ne veux pas jouer à l’école”.

7. Sois un véritable chercheur de sentiments

Malgré les apparences, ton enfant fait bien de parler de ses inquiétudes avec celui ou celle avec qui il se sent le plus en sécurité : toi !

Des phrases fortes comme celles-ci montrent qu’un enfant a beaucoup de sentiments qui attendent d’être entendus.

La plupart d’entre nous avons été élevés pour trouver des solutions et essayer d’apporter des correctifs lorsque nous entendons des mots comme ceux-ci. Nous pourrions dire :

• “Oh ! ce ne sera pas si terrible”.
• “Tu vas adorer une fois que tu auras commencé.”
• “Oh, ne t’inquiète pas, tout ira bien”.

Comme nous avons entendu ces mots lorsque nous étions enfants, il est naturel que nous nous retrouvions à dire des choses similaires, mais un enfant peut avoir l’impression que ses grandes, effrayantes et intenses inquiétudes sont balayées sous le tapis.

Change le cycle en étant ouvert à toute communication.

Mets-toi dans la peau d’un chercheur et cherche les véritables sentiments qui se cachent derrière ces déclarations. Voici trois affirmations que tu peux essayer de remplacer.

• “Ah oui ? Tu détestes l’école ? Cela doit être difficile.”
• “Moi aussi, j’ai trouvé l’école difficile. Qu’est-ce qui te déplaît le plus ?”
• “Je me demande pourquoi tu ressens cela ?” ou “Je me demande comment nous pouvons dépasser cela ?”

Parfois, les enfants sont eux-mêmes les meilleurs chercheurs de solutions.

Ton enfant pourrait te dire. “Ça pourrait aller si tu me promets d’être là quand j’y rentrerai”. Ou “Peut-être que si je prends mon crayon spécial, je me sentirai mieux”.

Mais s’il n’a pas de suggestions, ne le presse pas et ne le force pas.

Reste près de lui et continue à t’interroger à ce sujet jusqu’à ce que ton enfant change d’avis. (Souvent, il s’agit de quelque chose de totalement inattendu, comme “Et si nous jouions aux voitures !”)

8. Réponds au radar de vérité de ton enfant

Les enfants ont un radar de vérité bien réglé et peuvent flairer tout signe d’évitement. Il est donc utile d’être aussi honnête que possible lorsqu’ils posent des questions difficiles.

“Maman, peux-tu rester en classe avec moi toute la journée ?

“Pourquoi mon petit frère reste-t-il à la maison avec toi ?”

Il est compréhensible que nous voulions parfois fuir aussi vite que possible ces grandes questions, craignant nous-mêmes de provoquer des bouleversements ou de rendre encore plus effrayante une situation qui l’est déjà.

Mais cela peut distraire l’enfant.

Ce radar de la vérité sent que quelque chose ne va pas.

Il peut mettre en doute ta crédibilité, voire la validité de ses propres sentiments, lorsque tu lui dis quelque chose qui ne correspond pas à la vérité.

Que peux-tu faire à la place ? (Même si ton cœur bat la chamade !)

1. Rapproche-toi.
2. Établis un contact visuel.
3. Adopte un ton léger. “Je serai là pour te déposer et te récupérer, mais je ne peux pas rester en classe tout le temps”. Ou encore : “Oui, ton petit frère est trop jeune pour aller à l’école. Il restera à la maison jusqu’à ce qu’il ait ton âge, comme tu l’as fait. Qu’en penses-tu ?“

Si cela provoque des cris de contrariété ou de défiance, tu peux te rapprocher et reconnaître que cette période est difficile pour ton enfant. Ton enfant profite de cette situation pour se débarrasser de son anxiété.

Ils sont si intelligents !

9. Prenez des habitudes avant l’heure de l’école

Si l’école signifie un réveil plus matinal, plus de précipitations et d’autres changements dans votre routine, vous pouvez les mettre en pratique à l’avance.

Cherche les points d’achoppement.

Ton enfant met-il plus de temps que tu ne le pensais à s’habiller ? Le petit-déjeuner sera-t-il un défi ?

C’est l’occasion, avant que la journée d’école ne commence, de préparer, d’ajuster et de retravailler les matins pour qu’ils ressemblent davantage à ce que tu aimerais qu’ils soient.

10. Établis un plan pour rester connectés les jours d’école

La mise en place de moyens personnels pour se connecter et garder le lien contribue grandement à aider les enfants à se sentir plus en sécurité lorsqu’ils sont loin de vous. Essaie :

• un petit mot dans le sac de pique-nique
• un trésor dans une poche
• une blague du matin
• une routine spéciale pour déposer ton enfant à l’école

Envoie ton enfant à l’école en étant moins anxieux et plus confiant.

Une dernière chose à retenir.

Ces idées sont plus efficaces lorsqu’elles sont variées. Certaines augmentent la chaleur et la sécurité et encouragent l’enfant à montrer ses vrais sentiments, d’autres sont là pour soutenir et nourrir l’enfant affectivement pendant qu’il se débarrasse de ses peurs, alors essaie d’en expérimenter quelques-unes.

Ce processus permet d’accroître la résilience et la confiance en soi des enfants pour qu’ils aillent à l’école en toute sérénité.

Ton enfant est-il anxieux à l’idée d’aller à l’école ?

Quels comportements observe-tu ? As-tu trouvé de bonnes solutions pour aider ton enfant à faire la transition ? Nous serions ravis d’entendre tes réflexions et tes expériences !

The post 10 façons d’aider un enfant qui se sent anxieux à l’idée d’aller à l’école appeared first on Hand in Hand Parenting.

School can bring up a lot of change – and a lot of feelings about the change. For some children, school can feel a momentous challenge. They feel anxious and stressed – but you might never know it. The thing is, often, kids don’t tell you they are anxious about school – at least not in ways you might expect. Instead, they show you.

Look for “Secret” Signs of Stress and Anxiety

If your child could walk up to you and say, “I’d like to talk about this school thing. I’m feeling a little uncertain about what to expect. I’m not sure I’m ready,” they sure would. But even the most articulate children have trouble being so straightforward. Instead, and in order to alert us to their nagging fears and their anxiousness, children try to show us in other ways.

• Often annoying ways.
• Or frustrating ways.
• Or in ways that tug at our emotions too.

The Gottman Institute calls these signals “attention bids.”

Every child is different, but here’s what you might see if a child is anxious about a new term or teacher.

• Some children may become very clingy
• There may be more tears, more often, seemingly over nothing or from nowhere
• Levels of whining may suddenly rise
• You’ll see aggressive behaviors including rage, kicking, hitting and biting
• Your child might get very demanding about how he or she wants things to be done. If you can never cut that piece of toast “just right,” you may be hot on the trail of your child’s nervousness and worry.

What Drives These Bids for Connection?

Kids bid for attention whenever they feel unsure about their place in their world. When a new baby comes and threaten to steal all the love away, for instance. Or when there is a looming concern, such as school. And if you think about it, whining, clinginess and demanding behavior do get attention fast. They also give an outlet for the stress a child is carrying. A way to offload the anxiety. When kids can shed these anxious feelings they actually work through the fears ahead of school. 

However, attention bids like this are not entirely effective when a parent reads them as button-pushing behavior and tries to shut them down.

How To Respond To A Child’s Attention Bids Ahead of School

Once a child’s anxious feelings have a place to bubble up, they lose their power. It works this way for adults too. Imagine, you have an important call to make. You are tense and nervous. Yet no matter how many times you tell yourself you have to make that call, you can’t seem to pick up the phone. Imagine telling a friend about these fears. Tell them how silly it may sound, or explain exactly why you feel worried. How do you feel after that call?

You may not be jumping fences to get the call done, but the thought of it likely doesn’t feel so unbearable or impossible. In fact, the more space and generosity you give yourself, the easier it gets. The shorter the distance becomes between you thinking about making the call, and actually picking up the phone, dialling, and saying “Hi.”

It’s the same way with kids and their fears about school. 

Getting close, listening to, and responding kindly to a child, even if what they are saying is nothing related to school will help. This gives a child an outlet that helps drain a child’s pent up anxiousness. When you give them opportunities to express them, they work on their fears and move closer to feeling happier about school. An effective way to do this is by Setting a Limit and holding it. Hand in Hand’s three-step approach to Setting Limits is ideal because it provides a space for a child to bring their feelings, and fosters a warm and supportive response.

How to Set Effective Limits and Help Children Cooperate

10 Ways to Help Children Who Feel Anxious About Starting School

You can also get very intentional about making space for your child to offload about school, in playful and supportive ways. These 10 ideas give you many ideas how.

1. Up The Sense of Security at Home

Around a week before school starts, get set to spend around 10 minutes a day with your attention solely on your child and what they want to play. We call this Special Time at Hand in Hand and it works wonders for helping build security.

2. Play Around the Drama

Increase play. PLAY LOTS and let your child take the lead. If they ask you to play gently, follow their direction. If they want to play hard, do your best to dive in! Rough and tumble games, like pillow fights, burrito rolls, and tag work well to help clear built- up stress and tension through physical touch. You’ll know its happening when your child laughs hard – or, wait for it, cries. If your child finds a small thing to cry over, they are actually using tears as an outlet to let go of some fear – more about that next!

3. Embrace Any Feelings Your Child Shows

Don’t be surprised if a child appears to find reasons to cry during play. When these tears spill it’s similar to when we have had a really tough day. Some lovely person says something kind. What happens? You find yourself crying! That relief we feel knowing that we are still loved and the world is ok is the same for our children too! Very often a child will use a small knock or heavy landing as a good excuse to have a good emotional clear out through cry. In those times lean in and listen. You don’t need to say much, just be there and say something occasionally, like, “I know it’s hard,” or “You’re safe here.” Sometimes this will bring on more tears, again that’s a good thing. Your child is taking this time to let those fears and worries go.

4. Sneak in Extra Kisses and Surprise Snuggles.

Reframe time before school as an extra Special Time to be close to your child. This strengthens their sense of confidence, connection, and self-worth.

As this article outlines, 80% of adults say they did not feel loved by their parents.

We can change that for our children. When we look for opportunities to “catch” them being their adorable selves, and when we notice them and delight in their special traits. So, when they are playing, sneak up and plant a surprise kiss on their soft cheek. Spend an extra five minutes in the day cuddled up with a book, or stay a few minutes longer with them after lights out. These efforts fill a child’s cup and soothe their anxiousness.

5. Listen To Your Feelings Too

You may have to go through many rounds of Special Time, play, and listening to your child cry if you want to give your child all the good opportunities they need to offload fears and worries about starting school. That can be emotionally and physically tiring for us parents. Make sure you have someone to listen to you and your feelings about the situation.

6. Bring Up the Subject of School Often

Do keep mentioning school – you might even like to keep a calendar and check the days off until the first day – and find excuses to bring up the topic:

• Have fun picking out a few special things your children might need for school and then stop for ice-cream.
• Try out the route to school.
• Visit the school even if the school gates are still shut for the holidays.
• Have a playdate with school friends.
• Play “school,” and watch for your child’s reactions. Are they happy to play, reluctant? Do they want to be a teacher or a pupil? How do they interact with you in your role during the game?

These actions not only bring about familiarity but also give lots of room for a child to express how he or she feels about school.  We call this propose/listen.  Mention that school will be starting soon, prepared to listen to feelings  Remember, this may look like more crying, whining or lots of requests to play and be close, or it may come through defiant statements, like these:

• I don’t want to go to school
• I won’t go
• School sucks and I hate it
• I’m never going to go
• I don’ want to play school

7. Be A True Feelings Researcher

Despite the way it sounds to us, your child is doing good things by bringing these concerns up with the people with whom they feel safest – you! Strong sentences like these display that a child has lots of feelings waiting to be heard. Most of us were brought up to find solutions and try to offer fixes when we hear words like these. We might say:

• Oh! It won’t be that bad
• You’ll love it once you start
• Oh, don’t worry, you’ll be fine

Since we heard these words as children, it’s natural that we find ourselves saying similar things, but a child can feel that their big, scary, intense worries are being brushed under the carpet. Change the cycle by being open to any communication. Put yourself in the role of a researcher and listen for the true feelings behind the statements.

Sometimes kids can be their own best solution-finders. Your child might tell you. “It could be ok if you promise you’ll be there when I go.” Or “Maybe if I take my special pencil I’ll feel better.” But if they don’t have suggestions, don’t rush or force them. Stay close and keep listening until your child’s mood shifts. Often this may be with something totally unexpected, like, “Let’s play cars!”

8. Respond To Your Child’s Truth-Radar

Kids have a well-attuned truth radar, and can sniff out any hints of avoidance, so it helps to be as honest as possible when they ask tough questions.

• Mom, will you stay in class with me all day?
• Why does baby brother get to stay home with you?

Understandably, sometimes we want to run as fast as we can from these big questions, fearful ourselves about bringing on upsets or perhaps making an already scary situation seem even scarier. But this can be distracting for a child. That truth radar senses something not quite right. They may question your validity, or even the validity of their own feelings when you tell them something that avoids the truth.

What can you do instead? Even when you are feeling anxious.

1. Move in close.
2. Make eye contact.
3. Keep your tone light. “I will be there at drop-off and pick-up, but I can’t stay in class all the time.” Or,  “Yes, baby brother is too young to be in school. He’ll stay back until he’s your age, just like you have.”

If this brings on cries of upset or defiance, you can move in close and acknowledge that this time is hard on your child. Your child is using this situation as an opportunity to shed some anxiousness. They are so smart!

9. Build School-Time Habits Ahead of School Time

If school means earlier wake-up times, more hurrying and other changes in your routine you might like to practice them ahead of time. Look for where there may be sticky points. Does it take your child longer than you thought to change? Is breakfast going to be a challenge? This is a chance before the school day rush kicks in for real to prepare, adjust and rework mornings to be more like you’d like them.

10. Make a Plan for Staying Connected on School Days

Establishing some personal ways to connect and keep connections high do a lot to help children feel more secure when they are away from you. Try:

• a little note in a lunchbox
• a keepsake treasure in a pocket
• a morning joke
• a special drop-off routine

Send Your Child To School Feeling Less Anxious and More Confident

Here’s one last thing to remember.  These ideas work best when you use a variety. Some increase warmth and security, and encourage a child to show their true feelings. Others are there to support and nurture a child as they offload their fears, so try experimenting with a few.  This process is leads to increased resilience and the confidence to go off to school peacefully. 

From the Hand in Hand Toolbox

You can learn more about the science of why this listening strategy works in The Science Behind the Hand in Hand Parenting Tool of Staylistening

New to playing this way? We hear you! Get started with this free guide to our best five games to solve power struggles and increase co-operation.

Here are ideas for getting out of the house in the morning.

Get help for separation anxiety at the school-gates and drop-off in How Staylistening at Drop-Off Can Relieve Separation Anxiety

Encourage your school to adopt a “long goodbye” approach to ease a child’s separation anxiety. Click here to read about the pre-schoolers who use it.

Nurture resilience and cooperation

Learn five Tools that will powerfully and positively impact how you parent in a Hand in Hand Foundations Class (formerly the Starter Class). Classes are enrolling now. Click here to learn more.

The post Is Your Child Anxious About Starting School? Here’s 10 Ways to Help appeared first on Hand in Hand Parenting.

Quand les enfants sont stressés, ils perdent leur patience, leur goût du jeu, leur capacité à être faciles à vivre et à faire que la journée soit une bonne journée. Dans ces moments-là, ils ont tendance à faire des choses qui n’ont pas de sens. Ils vont commencer à se disputer, à insister pour avoir des choses que quelqu’un d’autre a déjà ou alors, à vouloir une chose après l’autre sans jamais être satisfaits.

Dans ces moments-là, nous les parents, pouvons jouer un rôle vraiment positif. Nous pouvons apporter des limites aux comportements de nos enfants dans le but de soulager le stress qu’ils portent à l’intérieur et de leur permettre de retrouver leur bon jugement initial et leur joie à coopérer. Poser des limites avec des jeunes enfants demande un peu d’entraînement. Lorsque tu penses que ton enfant commence à devenir déraisonnable, voici les étapes à suivre.

Écouter

Mets-toi à sa hauteur et demande-lui simplement ce qu’il se passe. Demande à ton enfant de te dire pourquoi elle crie ou pourquoi elle doit avoir cette robe bleue qui est dans le lave-linge. Elle a besoin de parler de la colère qu’elle ressent, si possible à une personne qui n’est pas elle-même en colère.

Poser la limite

Si elle continue à se comporter de façon déraisonnable, tu dois intervenir. Dis-lui ce que tu penses être convenable et ensuite assure-toi que son comportement déraisonnable ne continue pas. Si ton enfant crie sur son frère par exemple, demande-lui d’arrêter. Si elle ne peut pas s’arrêter, prends-la gentiment et emmène-la avec toi dans une autre pièce. Si elle jette les jouets avec colère, mets ta main sur le jouet qu’elle est sur le point de lancer et dis “Je ne vais pas te laisser le jeter”. Si elle insiste pour avoir un cinquième biscuit, prends-la sur tes genoux, loin des biscuits et dis lui “Non, pas maintenant. Plus tard tu pourras en avoir un autre, mais pas maintenant”. Aucune punition n’est nécessaire, aucune morale n’est nécessaire et aucune sévérité n’est nécessaire non plus. Interviens simplement.

Écouter

C’est l’étape de la libération du stress, celle qui va immensément aider ton enfant. Après être intervenue pour prévenir les comportements déraisonnables de ton enfant, il y de fortes chances pour qu’elle commence à pleurer, à se mettre en colère ou à faire une crise de rage. C’est constructif. C’est la façon pour ton enfant de se débarrasser des tensions qui l’ont rendue déraisonnable en premier lieu. Si tu peux rester proche quand elle pleure ou quand elle est en colère, elle va continuer jusqu’à ce qu’elle retrouve sa capacité à écouter, à être coopérative et à tirer le meilleur parti de la situation actuelle.

The post Poser les limites avec les jeunes enfants appeared first on Hand in Hand Parenting.

“Une amie et moi passions nos vacances ensemble, avec nos cinq enfants de trois à six ans, à nous deux. Nos enfants ne se connaissaient d’ailleurs pas avant ces vacances.

Cela faisait donc quelques jours que nos amis étaient arrivés et à plusieurs reprises j’avais perçu un peu de tristesse ou de contrariété chez mon fils Lucas. La veille, il avait eu du mal à accepter que je quitte sa chambre avant qu’il ne se soit endormi ; puis je l’avais senti un peu chagriné ce matin là, au réveil. Il avait le visage fermé et se cachait dans un coussin. J’ai donc pris quelques minutes à proposer du Jeu-écoute pour me connecter avec lui, mais sûrement pas aussi longtemps qu’il en avait besoin.

Un peu plus tard, nous étions donc en train de nous mettre tous à table pour le petit déjeuner et Lucas ne s’est pas trouvé satisfait de la place qui se présentait à lui à priori. J’ai donc vérifié avec lui quelle place lui conviendrait, à côté de qui il voulait s’asseoir et nous avons facilement trouvé un arrangement. Puis il a dit : “Je veux le bol jaune, comme Diego”.

Là j’ai commencé à me dire qu’il y avait peut être bien un besoin de connexion et quelques émotions pas loin… Mais puisqu’il y avait un autre bol jaune très similaire à la table, je le lui ai proposé. Sauf que cet autre bol jaune avait une rainure bleue sur le bord et qu’il ne lui convenait donc pas du tout…

A ce moment là, il m’a semblé opportun de poser une limite. Je me suis déplacée doucement près de mon fils et comme il était assis sur sa chaise, je me suis agenouillée de façon à pouvoir le regarder dans les yeux. De là je lui ai dit gentiment : “Je suis désolée Lucas, il n’y a pas d’autre bol jaune comme Diego…”

Il s’est immédiatement mis à pleurer. C’était un pleur très doux, mais profond et les larmes coulaient sur ses joues. Ce jour là, j’ai senti de la tristesse derrière ses pleurs.

Quelques fois j’ai insisté sur le “prétexte” qui l’avait amené à pleurer en lui disant : “Une autre fois tu pourras avoir le bol jaune” ; “Je suis désolée que tu ne puisses pas utiliser le bol jaune ce matin”. Ces mots lui ont donné un prétexte contre lequel buter, lui donnant la pleine permission de pleurer autant qu’il en avait besoin.

Lucas a continué de pleurer ainsi quelques minutes et je suis Restée-écouter. Puis il s’est arrêté de lui même comme si le nuage de pluie était passé et je l’ai alors senti très léger. La suite du petit déjeuner s’est déroulée de façon très détendue et je dirais même que j’ai trouvé Lucas particulièrement joyeux, posé et coopératif, le reste de la matinée.”

Pourquoi cela fonctionne

Parfois, les nouvelles situations peuvent être déstabilisantes pour les enfants, même s’ils sont incapables de l’identifier ou de vous dire pourquoi. Vous remarquerez que c’est le cas s’ils commencent à s’écarter du droit chemin. Au lieu d’être joyeux et plein d’entrain, vous les verrez se comporter de façon anormale ou à montrer des signes de tension. Ils peuvent devenir distants, agressifs, collants ou chercher à attirer l’attention d’une autre manière. Ces signes vous signalent : “Au secours ! Tout ne va pas bien”.

Le rire est un excellent moyen d’évacuer le stress et un premier port d’appel parfait. Chloé a essayé le Jeu-écoute, en essayant de faire naître le rire. Des jeux comme “Où peut bien se trouver cet insecte grognon” – où vous les prenez dans vos bras et où vous fouillez leur corps à la recherche des insectes grognons qui peuvent bien se cacher sur eux – peuvent les faire sourire, tout comme les jeux physiques.

Mais si cela ne permet pas de libérer entièrement les sentiments inconfortables qui se sont accumulés, le comportement déraisonnable se poursuit. Interposer une limite chaleureusement, comme Chloé l’a fait à propos du bol jaune, permet de donner à un enfant le prétexte qui va lui permettre de se mettre à pleurer et d’évacuer les sentiments désagréables qui l’encombraient jusqu’alors. C’est pourquoi Lucas a pu poursuivre sa journée de manière plus détendue et plus légère après en avoir eu la possibilité.

The post Interposer une limite : dire “non” au bol jaune permet au nuage de chagrin de se dissiper appeared first on Hand in Hand Parenting.

Whether it’s a request they make of you or, like instructor Michelle Hartop shares in this post, an idea they have for play, something about your child’s behavior just leaves you unsure or uneasy.

Should you set a limit, or let things play out?

How can you parent confidently when your thinking feels fuzzy?

When you feel stuck, unsure and second-guessing?

In this post, Michelle explores a time she found herself stuck and shares how she moved through the stuck feelings to connection and a resolution her family felt good about.

Feeling unsure in my parenting

When my daughter was seven she had a friend over for a play date. They were having a lot of fun together playing outside. At one point they came in asking for more water because they were drowning ants. My heart sank at this information.

“Nope,” I said lightly. “No more ants need to drown today.”

“Well, we’ll just stomp on them!” my daughter and her friend replied in unison. (Did they rehearse this response?!)

“Hey,” I replied playfully. “Ants have a right to live too!”

“We like stomping them!” they said enthusiastically, and my heart sank again. 

I didn’t want my daughter and her friend stomping on the ants.

I held back from saying this out loud. I imagined the judgmental tone I felt at the moment would send the message to her that she has to keep things from me and hide what’s going on with her. I didn’t want that.

But…I didn’t feel right NOT saying anything either. In this moment of internal conflict, my thinking started to swirl and get fuzzy. I felt stuck between EITHER letting them do it, OR stopping them from doing it. Neither felt quite right to me and I had no idea what to do!  

Exploring why I felt conflicted

The girls headed back outside and I decided to take some quiet time checking in with what was going on with me. What was creating my confusion and fuzzy thinking?

I took a few calming breaths and settled into my body then asked myself, “What am I imagining this behavior means?”

The answer came quickly. I viewed stomping on ants to mean the girls had a total disregard for life.  

Given all the heart-breaking violence making the news at the time, it wasn’t surprising that my concern for and desire to respect all life would be triggered right in that moment by their wanting to stomp on ants. 

Their play touched on a very deep place of powerlessness within myself. No wonder I couldn’t think. On one hand, their play was innocent, on the other I was feeling sad and worried about the shocking events that kept making headlines.

In that moment I couldn’t unlink the two.

How I got my thinking back on track 

I decided to take a minute to listen to myself, the way my Listening Partner might, and give myself some empathy. I placed my hand on my heart and took a minute to just feel the sadness and worry without trying to solve it or push it away. 

I silently acknowledged to myself that it was hard to hear about all the suffering happening in the world and easy to feel so powerless about it all. I felt a sense of comfort inside as I took this time to just be present with my feelings.

I then reminded myself I didn’t have to save the world or end all violence. I had a wonderful opportunity to connect with the girls in the here and now. From this place, I felt my sense of power return and noticed my thinking clear up. 

I was no longer confused about the girls’ goodness or my ability to step in well. 

I no longer felt small trying to conquer a societal problem that was way bigger than me.

Connecting and sharing my value through play

In this moment of clarity the question came to me: how do I connect with these girls, right where they are, while also sharing my value of respecting all life? 

I knew play was the answer. It was the best way to connect with the girls right where they were, and by letting them take on the more powerful role it would probably get to the core of any powerlessness they were feeling that made them want to have power over the ants. Plus, laughter always seems to work better than lectures.

I went outside to be with them and playfully announced, “I’m here to catch ant stompers!” They giggled at my proclamation and ran around the yard. 

I chased them, mostly letting them get away, but occasionally catching them with a vigorous snuggle. I playfully stood up for the ants by giving them a voice, “Hey! We deserve to live!” I had the ants chant. 

The girls laughed and giggled while “taunting” me with more ant stomping.

I chased them around the yard until we were all tired. 

When I was ready to stop I told them what fun I’d had with them, and then I went back inside. 

Laughter is great at relieving tension and fear (often the driving force behind aggressive behavior) so I felt confident my message was heard through the playful connection and that no lecture or directive was needed.

About a minute later my daughter came inside and told me, “We’re not stomping ants anymore. We’re going to make a house and obstacle course for a beetle!” 

I smiled. 

It felt like a win for all of us, even the ants! In that moment I felt a little more hopeful for the world. 

Tips to get your thinking unstuck in the moment

If you’re feeling stuck in either/or thinking, give yourself some space. As long as the kids are safe there’s probably nothing you need to do right that second. 

Acknowledge your feelings

• Let yourself slow down and notice how you’re feeling. If you have the ability to reach out to a friend or Listening Partner for support, take that time to call or even text if calling isn’t an option at the moment.
• Offer empathy and encouragement to yourself. You might try placing your hand on your heart or gently cupping your face with your hands. Offer caring to yourself for how hard it feels in the moment and confidence that you will find your way through.  
• If you enjoy journaling, writing can be helpful for better connecting to what we’re thinking and feeling in the moment.

Question your thinking

• Ask yourself: “What am I imagining my child’s behavior to mean?” Notice if your imaginings take you to a miserable future for you or your child. Do you think “They’ll always…” or “They’ll never…” Naming the extreme nature of our worries can help bring some perspective to us when we see it is out-of-sync with the present moment or simply not true. With a more balanced perspective, we can then be more present to connecting with our child in the moment instead of putting all of our energy into an imagined (unhappy) future. 
• Make a note if your worries have you imagining your child suffering a fate like someone else you know who is unhappy or struggling in life. Sometimes our child’s “simpler” issues can trigger our unresolved grief around ourselves, friends, or family members who suffered or are currently hurting. These feelings can easily get projected onto our kiddos and increase our worries. Take time to notice if this might be happening, and if it is, find someone who listens well so you can process these feelings and see your child more clearly. 

Try Getting Playful

• Kids love to play, especially the type of play where they get to be the most powerful and the grown-up plays the silly, clumsy, and clueless one. 
• Check out the Hand in Hand website for inspiration like: how one mom turned a stressful bathtime around with play, how to respond playfully with a toddler, and how play can help you get out the door on time.

The post What To Do When You Feel Stuck About How To Handle Your Child’s Behavior appeared first on Hand in Hand Parenting.

It took months to organize, but today you escaped for lunch with two old friends and left your kids with your partner. Secretly, you couldn’t be happier. Your youngest is going through a phase that is really demanding. They says “no,” whenever you ask them to do something. They are constantly asking for things they know are off-limits. They seem to need your attention every minute of the day. And you think “It won’t hurt for my partner to see what it is really like to be home with the kids all day!”

You’re frazzled. You needed this time. When you return, your partner tells you about the day they had. Your youngest was funny, played well and ate all his lunch. You’re happy to hear that (if a little peeved that things went so perfectly) and you settle in to enjoy spending time with them. But almost immediately the mood changes. Your youngest takes a marker and colors on the table. You set a limit. They yell “no”. Then throw the box of markers all over the room, and just for good measure, some at you.

Your partner is incredulous. “He was fine with me,” he says, holding up his hands. Why did this happen?

“It’s all about emotional safety,” says Madeleine Winter, Hand in Hand Certified Instructor.  “When we are alone with our children, we are doing our best to meet their needs – physical and emotional. But it is just not possible to do it perfectly. Inevitably, things happen that cause a child to accumulate tension – things we have no control over, or (dare I say it!) things we do wrong, or, at least, not quite right in their eyes. But when we are the only adult around caring for them, they are completely dependent on us. They are relying on us.”

“So even if they have feelings about us, or something we have done has been hard on them, they’ll often tamp those feelings down, because when we are all they have got, they can’t safely go there,” says Madeleine. “The return of another parent or loved one ups their safety levels,” she says. All of a sudden, children perceive an added security that feels “safe enough” to have those feelings bubble up. Working with parents as a Hand in Hand Instructor, Madeleine often hears of children getting upset when two or more adults are around. “It’s the presence of another adult that brings the feelings out,” she says.

 Ask Yourself Who Sees Your Children More?

There can another dynamic at work too. The way our society is organized, the balance of paid work and caring between parents is often not even. One parent will spend more time with the children than the other. In the example above, while the children had a great time with Daddy, and everything was going swimmingly, they don’t spend nearly as much time with Dad as they do with Mummy.

There’s often not as much emotional safety with the parent who is not the primary carer. So despite having a great time, they are a little more careful to keep their feelings under wraps for the day with the other parent. When the primary caregiver arrives home, the children “check-in” to the extra sense of safety in their relationship with them, and then let loose.

“Sometimes, when children seem to regularly go off-track with one parent and not the other, it can be a sign that their relationship with the parent they are ‘making trouble’ with is closer,” says Madeleine. “They are surer of their connection, and so it feels safer to show that parent when things get tight. With the parent they spend less time with, they are not so sure of their connection. They have a good day, but after guarding those feelings for most of it, they can’t wait to offload to you when you return.”

Madeleine says it’s got nothing to do with whether you are daddy or mummy – whoever spends the most time with the children is often favored, and upsets may show up more readily when that parent is around. “You can treat it as a kind of badge of honor: your child feels safe enough to show you that they are in trouble, and they are hopeful that you will be able to give them a hand with it,” says Madeleine.

What About When Children are Clingy?

On other occasions, if a parent has been away all day, and arrives home, a child quite often will absolutely refuse to go anywhere near them. It’s not that one parent is “doing better” than the other. It’s not that your child hates the parent that just arrived home. When you arrive home and your children don’t want a bar of you, it’s paradoxically because your arrival just made it safer.

“What your child is feeling, when it is safer, is how much they missed you,” Madeleine says. Since a working parent often tend to be the one away, it can look like the children don’t want that parent. But it can happen to whichever parent is away more. “I like to encourage parents to understand the situation as the opposite of how it is coming out of their child’s mouth: “I only want mummy!” is actually code for “Daddy, I missed you so much I can hardly bear it! And now you are both here, it’s safe to feel it!””

Why Kids Sometimes Switch Allegiance

Sometimes we see another switch. Your children seem to reserve all of their upsets for you, the main caregiver, and then turn into angels when your partner arrives home. Feel familiar?

From the minute your partner left this morning you haven’t had a moment. At morning snack you gave apples not bananas and your child had lots to say. They DO NOT want apples! Then they refused to take a nap. Then the super hero costume they demanded was not the one they usually want.  But the super hero outfit has mysteriously gone missing.

After throwing a tantrum over the costume, they emerge from their sibling’s room with a comic. Your oldest hasn’t looked at it in months, but now insists it’s their favorite and they need it. And they mean right now! By the time you sit through dinner with one child complaining about the menu and another sullen and silent, you can’t wait for the day to end.

When your partner comes back, they say they’ll bath them and read a story. You guffaw and wish them luck! But 20 minutes later, the scene looks like it comes from a movie called “Perfect Parent.” Both kids are wrapped up in bed, your partner is telling a story using a whole range of funny voices, and both kids are giggling.

“Do they really like my partner better than me?” a voice echoes in your head.

No, says Madeleine. “You can just assume that they are showing you the upsets because they feel safe with you.” And kids are smart. Your partner came home looking fresh and bouncy, as far as your kids can tell. Who wouldn’t take that as an opportunity to play?

It Won’t Always Be You Taking The Brunt

Never rely on a constant. Sometimes, one parent will take the brunt of a child’s upsets, and then the other parent will get a turn. If you are parenting singly, you’ll see this happen with relatives, teachers, or sometimes, close friends. “I think what is important to understand is that it is complex, changing, and is fundamentally about the fact that as carers of children, we are in the center of a complex and dynamic set of relationships,” says Madeleine.

“It’s not really about our children’s “behavior” or even about ours. It’s just the constantly shifting sense of emotional safety.” And it is not just about the children! We may be parenting as a single parent, which has it’s own challenges. But if we are parenting with others, our children’s emotional safety depends in a big part on the strength of our parenting relationship. “So often, parents come to me with troubles in their relationship with their child, but it doesn’t take long for it to become clear that the relationships with the other adults in the family dynamic are at least as challenging,” Madeleine says.

Becoming parents can put incredible stress on your relationship. In fact, when we parent with another person we probably have several kinds of relationship – friendship, a domestic relationship, a financial relationship, a sexual relationship, and probably several others. It’s complex. Each relationship has it’s own terms, and affects the others. When we add in parenting we all know what that means – less time, less sleep, less money and less…

Madeleine says it is to be expected that under these circumstances things get tight. As well, parenting pushes us up against some of our own earliest struggles. “Before we were parents, we might have been able to avoid or “manage” some of these difficulties. Once we are parents, though, our children’s needs, and our deep commitment to hanging in there to meet those needs.

What To Do When a Child Plays Parent Favorites?

A badge of honor it may be, but the constant taking of sides, big upsets, attention-grabbing behavior or disruptiveness when another caregiver comes home can be draining. Added to this, tensions with your parenting partner over how to handle it can be deeply demoralizing. What tools or strategies can parents use when kids seem to be taking sides, acting up and aiming it all at one parent? Or when you seem to be constantly on the edge of an argument with your partner about how to handle it?

Hand in Hand’s Five Must-Have Tools for Handling a Child’s Big Feelings

Here are five approaches you can take to keep calm, stay connected and carry on when it feels like your child is “playing favorites.”

1. Think “Off-Track” not “Acting Up”

When we describe children as “acting up or acting out”, it carries the implication that they are somehow willfully behaving badly. Madeleine says “I think the phrase “off track” is a better description. When our children can’t behave in a way that is workable, in any particular situation, then they have lost their sense of connection – with us, and with their own sense of goodness. They are “off track”.”

When this happens, their behavior has become rigid, and they are full of feelings. They can’t think well. They can’t make good choices – the kind of choices that will have everything go well. The behavioor can be annoying, but is sometimes unavoidable. “They aren’t out to get you, they are actually choosing to show you that they need you now,” Madeleine says.

2. Find Someone Who Can Listen

“It’s hard when we feel hijacked by our children’s difficulties. One of the first things I’d suggest is for the adults involved to get some Listening Time,” she says. A Listening Partnership is a great way to get and give support as you listen in turn to each other. The times when our children show their difficulties can be predicted, and we need to plan for those times. But we often feel overwhelmed, and are vulnerable to hoping that it won’t happen again, even when it has happened every other time.

Take those feelings to a Listening Partnership. Ask yourself:

•       How frustrating is it when…
•       What does it remind me of?
•       How unfair is it?

Expressing it all in the presence of a warm Listener who doesn’t offer solutions, but just listens as you offload the tension, can leave you able to think much more clearly. Once you have got the initial frustrations off, you can use your Listening Time to review what happens in the interactions with your children, look for patterns, and plan for how you will deal with the difficulties.

3. Get Closer to Your Child

When you are working towards resolving a persistent difficulty in your relationship with your child, focus on increasing your “connection time” with them. “A deeper sense of connection with their caregivers will sometimes be enough to ease difficulties. A Tool we call Special Time is a great way to build connection. One child, and one adult, or maybe both adults, play just the way the child wants to play, letting the child take the lead, delighting in them and enjoying their time together,” Madeleine says.

“Announce it and name it. That way your child has a better chance of noticing that you are really paying them attention,” says Madeleine. “I think of Special Time as the grease that helps the wheels of connection move smoothly.” Try some Special Time just after you arrive home to help re-connect with a child who has been away from you all day. On days you need to be away, you can have Special Time with your child and the adult you plan to leave them with, which helps them connect with the person who will care for them.

4. Help Clear The Emotional Backlog

“I think the presence of the most important adults in a child’s life may just be too tempting for a child not to take the opportunity to bring up an upset. However, you might be able to reduce the load a child is carrying at other times, which may make the time you spend together a little less full of upset.”  Perhaps you can’t handle a big upset well when it is nearly dinner time and your co-parent has just arrived home, but there maybe other times that you could listen. Your child might get upset during the day – when there are peas instead of corn, over having to share a toy, over nap time, or waking from nap time.

It’s really worth paying attention at those times, just by listening and not moving immediately to try to solve the problem. At Hand in Hand we call this Staylistening. Madeleine says, “If you can listen when you have time, then it will lower the total level of emotional pressure your child is operating under. You ‘drain the bucket’ a little each time, and sometimes this means your child can get through other times, the times of transition of a parent coming home, or a family gathering, or getting stuck at a supermarket, without needing to have a big upset.”

“You can also use Special Time in this way: If your child has a backlog of upsets, you may find that your child uses the end of Special Time to get upset. This is why we recommend that you time Special Time – it needs to have a clear ending.” “Plan for this! If you have 20 minutes, do 10 minutes of Special Time and know that you will probably need to listen to your child’s upset about “the end of Special Time.” Remember, it’s not about this at all. The end of Special Time is just a pretext that children use to for bring up feelings about all sorts of other things.”

5. Partner with Your Partner

Madeleine says “If things have become rocky with your parenting partner, don’t go it alone! Parenting is quite possibly the most important thing you have ever done, one of the most complex, and the thing you care about most. It’s worth investing in getting whatever help you can.” It’s not an admission of failure – think of it like getting some supervision in a complex and demanding job. It can be really helpful to get clear about where you struggle individually and together, and about the points of disagreement and how you are going to negotiate them.”

Madeleine also recommends doing smaller things to ease things between you. When she was home in the early years and her partner was working, they would talk on the phone on his drive home, checking in, connecting and sharing how the day had gone. Sometimes it was a little tricky combining this with her daughter’s late afternoon and evening routine, but it meant that when her partner got home, she and he were at least a little connected, and he could focus on reconnecting with their daughter.

And Madeleine has another secret ingredient she uses in her relationship. Surprising as it might sound, they do Special Time together every now and again. “Just tell your partner, “Let’s make 20 minutes each where we do just exactly what you want to do. Then let’s swap, and you can be with me while I do what I want to do.” Explain the rules of Special Time – unconditional delight, general enthusiasm, interest and warmth, no comments, judgements or criticisms.  “It works wonders,” Madeleine says.

From the Hand in Hand Toolbox

Read a free chapter on Special Time from the book Listen: Five Simple Tools To Meet Your Everyday Parenting Challenges.

Read more about partnering well in parenting here.

Here is a sweet story about adult-to-adult Special Time.

Find your online village within the Hand in Hand Parent Club Community.

Reduce overwhelm and stress as you deepen your connection to your children.  Find Listening Partners and get daily coaching around your biggest parenting challenges.  Learn to implement the Hand in Hand Tools with confidence for consistent results as you create more cooperation and peace in your home. TWO WEEKS FREE! You are not alone! Welcome to your Parent Community!

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The post How to Help A Child Who Seems Reactive and Inflexible appeared first on Hand in Hand Parenting.

Have you asked your child repeatedly to feed their pet and still find the food bowl empty, day after day?

Did you ever set a limit on screen time, only to find your child peering into their phone, TV, or iPad every time you enter the room?

As children grow, we see them increase their bids for independence. And we see them become frustrated when they can’t communicate their feelings or act in a way that seems appropriate or rational to us. Setting up boundaries and limitations is an essential element in raising kids, but finding ways to do this can be it’s own battle.

As parents, we know it’s essential to offer guidance, and it can be infuriating when our attempts go unheard. Power battles break out and behavior escalates into wild anger and aggression. Parents tell us every day that their children’s defiance brings out their powerful emotions – from annoyance and frustration to rage and overwhelm.

If you are here, you may have felt one or more of these feelings when your child says no. So what can you do when you want to set effective discipline that reaches and teaches your child?

But how do you get a child to listen? 

Any Internet search will give you thousands of discipline ideas. You’ve probably tried a range of so-called “solutions” with varying results. Maybe what you are doing works some days and then stops. Or maybe they work but don’t feel good. They overpower your child’s spirited nature, or they cause huge power struggles.

Understand why common discipline strategies often start off well but then stop working. 

In this post, we’ll review and evaluate three common discipline strategies – and one less well-known method for setting limits that’s incredibly effective and emotionally supportive for your child. 

Strategy #1: Are rewards really a positive choice?

Rewards are touted as a warm and friendly route to setting limits. After all, stickers and charts are an alluring way to entice a child to do something and often you avoid the stand-offs and arguments that are so common when you set a limit. 

It seems like a win-win. That is, until they stop working.

What happens you ask your son to feed the hamster and he asks what he’ll get for it? Or if your daughter refuses to poop once the supply of M&Ms you used for potty training runs out or are “not enough?”

Rewards give parents a small amount of control in the moment, but they have been shown to actually reduce natural motivation. Your child does something only to get the reward, not because they feel good or see the need to do what you are asking. In fact, studies have shown that sooner or later, the reward stops working.

This applies to bribes too – which can grow and grow until no treat can satisfy your child. What starts out as a simple pack of candy when you go to the grocery store becomes an endless supply of requests, most often for items your child knows are usually off-limits. 

Your authority goes out the window as you cave to each new demand or until you lose it.

Strategy #2: Consequences seem logical but can you rely on them?

Consequences can seem like a positive way to guide a child. And they can be. If your child does not want to get out of the bath and the water runs out, they see that there is no longer a bath time at all. In most cases, they’ll jump out when that happens.

But it’s easy, high on these wins, to throw consequences around and get into games of chicken – and guess who “loses” most? (Hint – it’s not your child).

The wisdom that maturity brings most often means you won’t see the consequence through to its natural conclusion.

Say you tell your child that if they don’t brush their teeth it’s “ok” but their teeth will get brown and fall out? 

You say this in the hope that they care about brown, rotting teeth. But it’s hard for a child to imagine this. It looks like they blatantly don’t care. It certainly brings them no closer to the toothbrush. How long before you begin getting into more battles because you don’t want to wait around and see if the brown teeth appear?

In these situations, consequences cannot play out safely and naturally. Where does that leave you? Back to square one. Back to battle. 

Strategy #3: Punishments can work, but at what cost?

It’s probably no parents’ wish to yell, scream, or drag their child into some kind of submission. Yet it happens so often.

Why does it so often happen? Because, as we’ve seen, Setting Limits Strategies #1 and #2 don’t work effectively, at least not in any consistent way.

They wear you down. You lose faith in them. You lose faith in you. You frantically try to find a way that works, and you freeze. You get stuck and in desperation, you lose it.

Punishments are also what most of us grew up with, so they feel familiar and effective.

But they leave you feeling yucky. In the best case, you feel like you lost your authority because your child won’t listen until you lose your voice. Maybe you feel guilty about abusing your power. In the worst case, you feel like a failure who is damaging your child.

That’s because punishments, whether you send a child to their room, move them to time-out, or sternly withdraw privileges, all work on a fear-based power system. And they carry the sting of shame and the pain of your child suffering.

When your child is defiant, when they don’t listen, you increase your dominance. You yell or lose it and you threaten or give punishments. This strategy forces you both into a fight or flight state that causes reactive feelings of anger and shame. 

You may also see your child rebel (backing you into another corner) or they may become sneaky to avoid being caught. (Let’s be honest, the idea that they might actually sit in a timeout and evaluate their behavior and change it next time is, at most, doubtful.)

When fear is the motivator, your child acts without any sense of co-operation or willingness. In fact, science tells us that in conflict, the brain enters shutdown. You, as the parent do not think well in these times, you are reactive, and sometimes filled with rage, while your child also shuts down. Their tears and upset are ignored and resentment and frustration boil away inside, repressed and unheard. 

Gradually, this becomes a pattern. Although you want to approach setting limits with calm and consideration, it becomes a vicious cycle where you ask, ask again, maybe try a workaround solution, and then blow, no matter how many times you try to do things differently. It is a hard wagon to leap from.

Strategy #4: Does a simple way to set limits, without shouting, rewards or punishment exist?

Thousands of parents worldwide have adopted a simple strategy for setting limits without shouting, or the need for rewards, bribes, or punishments. 

Developed over 30 years, the approach is backed by brain science and research into behavior and emotions. This science shows that when parents respond to the cause of their child’s defiance, it activates the sense of connection that a child needs to think well and co-operate. As a result, this lowers the children’s defences so that they can become more open and willing to work with their parent.

And rather than conditional strategies, this non-conditional approach builds trust between the parent and child, fostering warmth and understanding.

Parents using this simple three-step strategy tell us:

• Setting limits with calm and confident authority
• Experiencing major mindshifts around why, when and how they set limits
• Facing less battles and arguments and less tension and stress
• Decreased feelings of failure around their parenting
• More empathy and understanding of their child’s inner world and emotions
• More enjoyment in parenting and the relationship they have with their child or children
• Seeing less aggression, defiance, and anger in their children
• Feeling less frustration, annoyance and rage in themselves
• Less resistance to requests and greater co-operation from their children
• A sense that they are working with their child to foster natural motivation
• Setting limits in ways that work with, rather than at odds, with their child’s strong-willed, spirited and/or persistent personality.

The three connected steps in the approach help you address your child’s defiance and respond warmly rather than reactively when they say no. You are able to reach a positive outcome, without stress or shouting.

You’ll see what your child’s tantrums, sibling squabbles, defiance, and refusals say about their emotional needs in the moment, and you’ll have a framework you can always turn to. What’s more, this system is always warm, always empathetic and always respectful.

When you adopt this simple-three step strategy for setting limits, you no longer need to offer rewards, bribes or consequences. You don’t have to threaten timeouts or give punishments. 

You can set limits without shouting and yelling. And your kids will listen.

More on Setting Limits Without Losing It

Did you know you can work on light resistance using play?

Try Games for Kids Who Won’t Brush Their Teeth and Five Games to Help Kids Who Refuse to Go To Sleep

Get our best-selling Setting Limits and Building Cooperation online class. See what’s included here.

• Three targeted weeks of video instruction from Hand in Hand Founder, Patty Wipfler, divided into 10-15 minute segments for easy retention ($240 value).
• Full 9 e-booklet Listening to Children set, including; Listening Partnerships for Parents, How Children’s Emotions Work, Special Time, Reaching for your Angry Child, Crying, Healing Children’s Fears, and more. (A $24 value)
• Immediate access to these transformative videos and reading materials, available to you any time, day or night (priceless).

The class is free with a Parent Club Membership. See all the other benefits that come with Parent Club. 

The post How to Handle Your Child’s Defiance: Four Discipline Strategies Reviewed appeared first on Hand in Hand Parenting.

So how can you meet your child’s needs for play and your attention?

When is it reasonable to ask them to play on their own? What do you do when they can’t play without you? Let’s start with understanding the developmentally appropriate expectations for a child to play independently. Many children between the ages of 2-4 are able to keep their attention on a task for up to a half-hour. Kids between 5-7 can often focus longer, up to an hour or more on their own. And if they are really interested in an activity and feeling filled up with a sense of safety, love, and connection, they may be able to play independently for longer. Beyond daily circumstances, some children have a more or less intrinsic ability to stay interested in a solo activity.

Why Not All Kids Meet Those Expectations

When a child is already stressed or full of difficult feelings, they may not be able to stay focused for as long.  But we can change that. Using some of the Tools explained below, you can help your clingy child extinguish the feelings they have of an immediate need for your attention and expand your child’s capacity to play independently.

Here’s what happens to make a child clingy and not want to be alone…

Sometimes, a child’s feelings of need for their parents’ attention arise from past painful experiences. It may be important to adjust your expectations of their ability to play alone, based on your unique child and the stresses they’ve encountered that lead them to feel needy.

Step One: Build Your Child’s Sense of Connection

There are several Hand in Hand Tools that can be used to boost your child’s connection to you and create more emotional security to fill those feelings of need. When your child is filled up with feelings of connection and safety, they may be able to play on their own for longer. Let’s explore how three of these tools, Special Time, Playlistening, and Setting Limits can be used to boost connection.

Special Time is a Tool that creates pockets of connection in which your child has your full attention and is able to play exactly the way they want to. To do Special Time you simply decide a time you will focus warm attention on your child, and choose how long you will do this. When that time comes, call out, “Now it’s Special Time. I’ll play anything you want to play.” Set your timer for the amount of time you’ve allotted (anywhere from 2-20 minutes) and then give your full attention to your child.

The goal in Special Time is to give your child 100% of your attention, adding extra warmth, and let them decide what they want to do as you follow their lead. During Special Time you put aside your phone, your distractions, your worries about the dirty dishes, and all efforts to teach your child manners or lessons. Simply follow your child’s play with as much delight as you can. Even though you may give your child a lot of quality playtime already, these Special Times can fill them up with feelings of connection more effectively than a semi-distracted playtime can. Kids look forward to Special Time as the time to absorb your full, undivided attention.

The only goal during Special Time is connection. It doesn’t matter if your child putzes around pushing the button on and off on their tablet, tells knock-knock jokes, or pretends to be a superhero while you are the villain. The connection between you both is the most important focus during this time, not the content of the play. And don’t worry if your child doesn’t seem to notice your efforts to connect. Sometimes, children protect themselves from disappointment by not relying on our attention at first.  Be sure that your attention will have a warming effect, whether you can detect it or not.

I have seen time and again with families that I work with that even 10 minutes of Special Time a couple of times per week can result in children who are more able to communicate what they are feeling and needing, and who have more resilience when parents ask them to do things they don’t want to do.Special Time is a wonderful tool that can help fill your child up with love and attention so that they can more easily play on their own. You can get a free guide to Special Time here.

Step Two: Set Limits with Warmth and Confidence

One thing to know is that the warmth cultivated between you and your child during Special Time can allow them to get in touch with the very same icky feelings that makes them unable to play alone.

If Your Child Continues To Ask for Play, Do This…

Many parents find that when Special Time ends there is a tantrum. This happens because your child feels a strong need for that good, loving, undivided attention to keep coming. (100% of the time, 25 hours per day!!). It’s important as parents that we know we can safely, warmly set limits, and that sometimes those limits allow our child to get in touch with, and finally release, stored feelings of need they have been holding inside. That’s right. We don’t ALWAYS have to play.

If your child continues to ask you to play and you are not able to, simply set a limit that is both gentle and firm. This respectful attitude gives your child the message that their feelings matter and that you are the adult and hold the rules. A warm but firm tone is a good model for your child too. They learn how to set boundaries well later on. It also helps them process old feelings of disappointment and work through them.

Here’s How A Warm Limit Sounds… Offer empathy and then simply state your limit in a warm tone: “I know you want me to play with you. I love playing with you too! I can’t play with you right now. We will play again later.” When your child cries, yells, and does what they can to get you to play with they, simply stay with them, listen to their feelings, and state the limit again: “You really want me to play with you right now. I love you sooooooo much. And I can’t play right now.”

Children want to be cooperative and play with ease. When they are resistant, irritable, whiny, and won’t listen to your direction it is because their emotion gets in the way of them using their whole brain. They get stuck in the emotional limbic system of the brain unable to access their cerebral cortex. This is this center that gives kids (and adults) the ability to make good decisions and soothe themselves when upset.

When your child refuses to play alone, even if you have given them really good quality Special Time and lots of warm attention, it is as if they are sending you a signal. They’re saying, “I’m still stuck with some scary feelings I don’t like. I don’t know what to do with them. I need your help.”

Warmly murmur the limit and offer:

• Eye contact
• Connection
• Nonverbal empathy
• Warmth

Setting limits like this will help your child get in touch with the feelings that may be preventing them from playing alone.

Step Three: Support Your Child with Staylistening

As you listen, your child will release those feelings in crying, trembling, or sometimes having a tantrum. When our children erupt in crying or tantrums, they’re clearing emotional gunk out of their systems. It can be a transformative process if you help by keeping your child safe and loved. You can partner with your child, using Staylistening, to help them offload those difficult emotions so that they can come back to their cooperative, loving nature. As the feelings pour out, healing happens inside. Children draw from your love and your confidence in the ability to get through this emotional hard time.

As you listen to your child offload all the hurt, anger, and fear they’ve stored up, you are offer connection by:

• Getting on their level
• Offering eye contact
• Offering a gentle hand on the shoulder
• Keeping your attention warm as you listen 

That Tantrum About Playing Alone Isn’t A Bad Thing

In Staylistening, you can help your child in an unusual, but deeply healing way. As you listen to their feelings, you create a physically and emotionally safe space for them to feel the hurt feelings fully.  Your child may vigorously cry, tantrum, or shake for minutes or longer until they have offloaded a chunk of feelings. Then they will come back to a calm state in which they can think well again. At this point, your child may be able to play independently and contentedly for longer than you might expect.

Laughter Can Also Build Your Child’s Independence

Sometimes you can use laughter as a Tool to help your child when they don’t want to play alone. The Hand in Hand Tool that utilizes the healing power of laughter is called Playlistening.When you Playlisten, you employ a playful role reversal to help your child work through their difficult emotions and feel more empowered. Do this by playfully putting your child in a more powerful role in play. How does that look?

• You are the one who clings to their leg as they try to go play because you are afraid to do your work alone;
• You are the one who is “Sooooooo bored” and can’t figure out something to do;
• You are the one who wants “just one more hug” again and again and again.

Just like mama birds digest food their babies can’t digest, human parents get to help their young digest difficult feelings that their nervous system can’t yet tolerate. In your child’s world, there is always someone who is faster, better informed, and freer to direct things. When you take on the role of the underdog they get to try out feeling big and confident.

Try these play ideas and see how your clingy child responds:

• Let your child place the last pillow on the pillow mound
• Fumble with putting your shoe on until they show you just how
• Be the one who is left behind as they leave the house

During this play, they get to laugh off some of the stress of the powerlessness of childhood. Play like this can be done in a difficult moment, to help your child offload tension and find more ease in cooperating with your wishes. They may also ask to play these kinds of games during Special Time. Or try weave Playlistening into your day with a playful story, where you proclaim you absolutely need their attention and you cannot be left alone.

Try this alongside twenty minutes of pillow fighting, “sword fighting” with paper towel tubes or swim noodle, or play wrestling, where you do your darnedest to keep your child from leaving you.  This kind of play can fill your child up with the confidence to face the difficult feelings that come up when you are not able to pay attention to them. Children need our attention, but they also need times to pursue independent play. If your child has difficulty playing alone, use the Hand in Hand Tools to help them feel connected. They will help them offload the feelings they have about wanting your attention when you aren’t available. It can make a wonderful difference for you and for your child.

From the Hand in Hand Toolbox

Games to help with separation

Games to reduce power battles and stress

What if I’m not a playful parent?

Find your online village within the Hand in Hand Parent Club Community.

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The post How to Help a Clingy Child Play Independently appeared first on Hand in Hand Parenting.

This wasn’t how I planned my morning.

I had imagined more sleep and a peaceful waking. Instead, my five year old crawled in bed with me very early and wide awake. He snuggled warmly with me for about two minutes before pestering me with rambunctiousness.

I could feel my grumps coming on. “It’s not fair! I want to sleep” I thought.

He started pawing at me and growling like an animal. 

I wanted to turn right over and pull the covers over my head, but as I looked at him growling away, I thought to myself, now here is a little creature who is showing me he wants to play. He wants attention and connection.

I could have stayed grumpy and resistant. But then we’d both have been miserable. 

So, instead, I stepped into my playful parent role. I acted startled, like his growls were really frightening. This gave him lots of delight. He kept growling and I whimpered and hid behind the sheets. I made baby kitten sounds: “Meow!” “Hiss!” with my tiny claws extended. He laughed hard at this.

Then I was a baby bear. “Rawrrr” I said in a small voice. He was really laughing now. 

I tried all kinds of baby animals that were unsuccessful at being scary and we both cracked up.

Soon, we were ready to get up, more in-sync and both in much better moods.

Just a little bit of playful parenting had turned things around.

Why Play Helps Transform Power Battles 

I became a playful parent when I discovered Playlistening, one of the Hand in Hand Parenting tools where an adult follows the child’s laughter and takes on the less powerful role. You can read more about Playlistening here.

This kind of playful parenting is a way to move toward a child who is expressing difficult behavior. You aren’t rewarding bad behavior when you do this. Instead, you are holding the belief that your child is good and offering them a way back to your good graces. Using play to set limits is like giving your kid a “get out of jail free” card. You feel the energy shift and see the twinkle return to their eyes almost instantly.

I don’t know why my son had come into my bed early that morning. Maybe he wasn’t feeling well, or had a bad dream. Usually our kids aren’t able to tell us exactly why they do what they do. I knew he needed connection and I was able to pull myself out of my sleepy funk and give it to him.

Our day started out on the right foot after all, with us both feeling connected and happy with each other.

The early morning grumpies had disappeared.

Moving Through Stuck Behavior

Our days are filled with so many activities and tasks and it can be overwhelming for the youngest members of our families. Sometimes the numerous transitions get to be too much for them and they just can’t cooperate. 

Rather than delve into a frustrating and stressful power struggle use playful parenting to smooth the way.

I had a dad in one of my Starter Classes who was having a rough go of getting his little boy buckled into his car seat every day. He son’s resistance was driving him crazy. He was getting more and more angry while his child was getting more and more upset. Going places had become a real chore. At this point, both had really dug in their heels.

I asked the dad if his son liked tractors and trucks. The boy was about four years old, and the answer was yes. I asked the dad if he was willing to be a “Daddy Excavator” the next time they needed to get in the car. My instructions were to turn his arms into a scoop and make lots of clanging sound effects, then playfully and lovingly sweep his son up and into the car.

I asked if he thought his son might like it. “Yes, I think so, but he will want me to do that every time!” he complained. 

Bingo!

“You’re welcome” I answered. 

We had a good laugh.

Play is a really reliable way to move past these power battles. This dad had been stuck in a parenting rut that most of us have experienced. We forget that kids are playful and lock into battles with them over small situations. We get lost in wanting to win the battle and forget that it’s our job to help our kids when things get hard. Believe it or not, they’d actually rather be cooperative but that feels hard for them when they get overwhelmed.

When I told this story in class another Dad volunteered his car seat success technique. It’s called, “Get my hat.” Every time he buckles his reluctant toddler into the car, he says “Ok, get my hat!” and his son tries to grab the hat off his head while dad quickly does up the straps. He says it even works when he’s not wearing a hat! He simply invites his son to grab the invisible hat and they both laugh and pretend. 

They are so busy having a good time that there are no more car seat struggles.

We can use play in lots of these kinds of interchanges, from teeth-brushing (check out the list of games in this post) to sibling battles (more games here!). The thing to watch for is that kids are really laughing – sometimes what we find funny isn’t for them. Playful parenting helps shift them from a cloudy perspective, so following their laughter is what really makes it effective.

On the morning my son woke me up early, I tried growling back at him in our play. When we were both growling I could see it didn’t delight him. In fact, my growls were a little too much and he started to look at me a bit wide-eyed. I had lost his laughter. So I returned back to being a smaller, scared animal and play resumed.

The other key to good playful parenting is tied to this – it works a million times better when you let your child lead. Sometimes they’ll speak out, “Then you do this,” or “These are the rules.” Other times, look for laughter as your guide. My son told me in his actions that he wanted to be the big growly animal, not me.

Your Kids Won’t Get Up? Here are Four Ways To Play That Will Help

Now that my son is in elementary school he doesn’t wake me as much. Actually, my latest challenge is getting him up! When he is groaning and hiding under the covers, a little playfulness goes a long way. I try to keep our time in the morning very sacred because I know we’ll be spending big chunks of the day apart. Connecting first thing helps our days begin smoothly.

I always start gently with a whispered, “Time to get up, morning’s here.” 

If he needs some more encouragement, I start to get silly. 

• Where is he? This is a game where I pretend I can’t find him under the covers. “Now, where is that boy?  I swear I left him in here last night. Is this him? No, that’s a pillow. Is this him? No, too soft, that must be a stuffed animal! Is this him? No, this is just some random person’s leg.” I fumble around for a few moments trying to find the obvious child in the bed. It doesn’t take long to find giggles.
• What is this?  Mistake body parts for different animal parts. “This couldn’t be him-no, that’s a horse’s leg. This can’t be his fuzzy head-I think it’s a raccoon’s pelt” and on and on with lots of loving contact and lots of mistakes on my part. After a few of these, my son will say, “Here I am, Mama!” and we can head toward the bathroom to get ready.
• Dance party! For older kids, or ones that need a little more oomph to get out of bed, you can have their favorite dance song on your smartphone. Start with low volume and crank it up as they start stirring. Extra points if you dance along in a ridiculous manner. Who could sleep through that?
• Rides out the door! One thing that rarely fails once I have my child roused is an offer of a piggy back ride out of the room. Sometimes he will roll out of bed onto the floor and request we do “wheelbarrow” (I hold his legs and he walks on his hands) all the way to the bathroom. We can never make it the whole distance and usually break down in a pile of giggles.

I know that mornings often feel rushed, but these antics rarely take more than a couple of minutes, and the benefits of a few giggles first thing in the morning feel a hundred percent better than the alternative. 

If you have a hard time getting the energy or enthusiasm to play, read Games for Parents Who Are Too Tired To Play.

From Distraction to Connection – Rough and Tumble Play

Playful parenting can even help when you need some alone time. How? Have you ever felt like you needed to get something done and just as you got started your kids suddenly won’t leave you alone? Even worse, the more you try to ignore their distraction and get your task done quick, the more insistent they get for your attention, and the more annoyed you all get. Soon you are snapping at each other and feeling bad.

It’s true, that what your kids are doing in these moments is bidding for your attention, but not in a negative way. When their “connection cups” aren’t quite full, their brains respond by seeking us out. If we have our heads buried in email or recipes or tidying or whatever it is that’s taking our focus, their brain ramps up its need to connect. The more stressed they feel, the more they aren’t able to think clearly, and that’s exactly what drives the unwanted behavior.

One way to help our kids feel connected is through rough and tumble play, which works on a physical and emotional level. Hand in Hand Parenting founder Patty Wipfler calls this the “limbic tackle” or “vigorous snuggle.” When we reach for our children warmly and playfully early as their behavior starts to go off track, we help the emotional part of their brains (the limbic system) reconnect to the rational part of their brains (the prefrontal cortex). The brain de-stresses, and their behaviour neutralizes. Those attention-seeking behaviors fade because they feel that calming sense of connection. Our love and affection literally helps build their brains!

How did this look for us? 

Not so long ago, I was on the sofa with my computer, trying to get some task checked off. My son was at the other end of the sofa doing lots of silly but irritating behaviors that kept me from focusing. I started to get fussy and snippy and the more I insisted on my space, the more disconnected he felt. His behaviors intensified. 

Suddenly it hit me! There was no way out but “in.” 

I didn’t want to end up in a fight, so I set aside my computer and announced in a playful tone, “Well if that’s how it’s going to be, I guess I will just have a seat over here.” I stood up, walked to his end of the couch and (gently) plopped myself down on his lap. I’m about twice his size, so I was careful, but still let him feel my weight and I leaned back onto him and made myself comfortable. 

This was not the reaction he was expecting from me! I looked back at him with a big grin on my face and he lit up and his eyes twinkled. He gave me a big squeeze and we started to laugh and wrestle. I spent about five minutes playing rough and tumble with him, letting him get the upper hand and making sure he was laughing and having a good time. 

This brief play was enough to get us reconnected. I was able to pull away from my work and show him that he was important, too.  Afterward, he was able to let me take some time to finish what I was doing.

This week, when your child’s behavior begins to move offtrack try stepping into your playful parent mode and watch the giggles bring you closer.

What games do you play at your house when your child doesn’t want to do something?

Get 30 Games Ideas…

Want more game ideas? Download our Family Fun “PLAYING card” deck filled with fun ways to connect with your child.

The post Get Past Power Battles the Fun Way – A Playful Parent’s Guide to Discipline appeared first on Hand in Hand Parenting.