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Often, by the time parents ask for help, the whole family has pretzeled itself around that child’s behavior, in a fruitless effort to avoid the attention-commanding behavior. Everyone works hard to prevent the next appearance of the child’s complaint. These adaptations are actually hard for parents to recognize, as many of them seem quite reasonable, given the circumstances.

The child who needs everything to be “just so,” and finds one runny spot in their morning egg is given a second egg, so everyone gets to school on time.

The child who demands that their parents not talk to each other, but only to them, or who flares the minute a parent picks up the baby, is shielded from seeing the parent pick up the baby with play dates, snacks, or videos.

The child who can’t play alone is placated, hour after hour, by a weary parent who has no energy or stomach for the huge cry that a sitter’s appearance will bring.

The upset that the child harbors is always on the launch pad, and because this upset has appeared so often, the parents haven’t the tools or the attention they need to face it head-on. They’ve used all their energy trying to dance carefully around it. Punishment can intimidate a child into a temporary halt, but it doesn’t actually extinguish the attention-seeking behavior.

What is behind this kind of behavior infection, and what is a parent to do?

Children Often Harbor Frozen Feelings of Need

Your child doesn’t want to be difficult. They don’t want to alienate you or others. They’re built to be in close, warm communication. They want to be cooperative, inventive and tucked in as a happy and important part of the family. But when a child has an overwhelming experience, their emotional center sends a strong signal of alarm. Their whole being throbs with upset. “I can’t feel you there! I feel afraid! I’m so alone! Help!”

A child who can’t relax without your direct attention has an alarm system that’s gotten stuck in “Danger!” mode. This signal has been coursing through their system for days, months, or years. And it’s very likely that you haven’t had access to the information or the support you need to help your child dial down from high alert to a relaxed state again.

None of us parents are schooled in understanding and meeting human emotional needs. For the most part, we’ve been trained to view intense emotions as a sign that things are on the wrong track. We’re taught that it’s our job to curtail our child’s feelings as soon as they erupt. The attitude is, “Crying means I have to fix something right now!” But most of the time, this assumption leads a parent to stop the crying, which leaves an emotional upset throbbing, unprocessed, inside the child.

Feelings of need arise so often in the life of an infant! “I need to be fed.” “I need to be held.” “I need to look into your eyes, and see that all is well.” “I need you to hold me while I cry. I was frightened when I woke up and didn’t see you here.” No one or two parents can meet all the emotional needs of one infant. Life is too complex, and the way our lives are structured, parents have too little peace of mind and time to connect with their child as often as he hungers for that connection.

When an infant’s feeling of need is misunderstood, or when a parent is, for any reason at all, unable to meet it, that feeling finds no resolution. It is stored as a memory, a painful one. Afterwards, it may look like nothing happened.

For instance, a baby might cry in the crib for five minutes before a parent hears the cry and picks them up. The baby will stop crying when you puts them over your shoulder at last. They may even smile soon again so that it looks like they have forgotten those five minutes of aching vulnerability. But babies remember everything. They perk back up because few hurts have accumulated, and they have lots more hope and eagerness for connection in their capacious good nature.

But one long difficult time or many smaller moments of unmet need can clutter up a child’s mind with experiences that didn’t sit well. A child will cry out for someone to listen. And parents respond with all the love they can muster: they feed, rock, bounce, walk, pat, sing, distract, or use a pacifier to stop the child from expressing their upsets.

But—who knew!—when a child has been through a painful time, what lets them get out of “Alarm!” mode is to have a parent or other kind person listen to their feelings. To have a good cry in the arms of someone who loves them allows the emotional hurt to dissolve. To scream with fear in good and attentive company allows them to communicate, “I feel threatened! I’m sure I’m in danger!” while their parent or caregiver says, verbally and nonverbally, “I’m here. I know I didn’t come in time. I’m here now. You’re safe.”

The child offloads the remaining fear or grief. The parent listens and offers lots of safety. When they’ve finished crying or screaming, they’re no longer scared. They have internalized the sense of peace the parent offered. They absorbed it, while they were getting rid of their sense of fear. All is, once again, very well. They’ve been helped by the simple act of listening and caring.

A child whose behavior demands constant attention is showing you that frozen feelings of need lie beneath the surface. A child of four, six or twelve does not need your full attention at the drop of a hat all day long. But in infancy, they did. They were frightened when they couldn’t get their needs met. And that feeling persists.

That’s what feelings do. They enter a child’s mind during a moment of need, and the feelings of that moment freeze there in an irritating chunk. If not expressed loudly and passionately in the arms of a warm listener, they form a kind of emotional burr, irritating a child’s mind many times a day.

The child sees their parent or caregiver, and that urgent “I need my person!” feeling that froze there in infancy kicks into play. And up pops a behavior that doesn’t serve them well. If you don’t cater to that behavior, big feelings will explode. And if you can move close and listen while setting a kind but solid limit, a powerful healing process will begin.

Staylistening will help your child release their frozen feelings of need.

What helps a child whose immediate need has not been met? If a parent will come close, and listen while the child cries hard about how sad and frightening it was, a child can get it off their chest. They cry hard. They sweat or tremble. They may be angry and lash out. The adult offers eye contact, a warm voice and tone, and gentle arms that communicate, “I’m here. I’m sorry that was hard. You can show me how hard that was. I’ll listen.”

When a child has worked the whole experience through, they relax. They can notice the closeness that the parent offers. They can absorb love again. And their behavior transforms from difficult to open; from provocative to cooperative. If the hurt the child is working on is a big one, you’ll see small but significant changes. Many more hearty cries will be needed to relieve the attention-seeking behavior entirely.

So your first strategy in lifting persistent behavior difficulties is to listen to big feelings. To go with the child’s instinct to have a big emotional episode. To welcome the crying, the struggling, the writhing, the deep trembling and emotion that will pour out for a long time, once you are brave enough to anchor your child through it all.

There’s more about what we call Staylistening, and three other Listening Tools that relieve children’s emotional backlog so they can recover their innate sweetness in our booklets, “Listening to Children“.

Strategies for helping your child release frozen feelings of need

• Arrange Listening Time for yourself.

You’ll need to prepare yourself for what we call an “emotional project” to rescue your child from attention-monopolizing behaviors. Because this kind of difficulty has its roots in very early childhood, when your child was quite vulnerable, it’s not going to shift in a week or two, easy-peasy. And the first strategy is the most important: get some listening help, for now, and for weeks to come.

Listening Partnerships are our tool for lowering the fight-or-flight reactions and “What is the matter with this darn kid!” attitudes that settle in on us when we have a child who insists on constant attention. You can’t actually help your child get to a new understanding of the safety of their world if your emotions are on a hair trigger.

A Listening Partnership is an exchange of Listening Time, designed to allow a parent to say all the things that run around in our minds, and show the feelings that are too hot and too searing to be healthy for our children to see. It’s a place to talk about what’s great about your child, and what you just can’t stand right now. We have a booklet, Listening Partnerships for Parents, that outlines how to set this up for yourself. You’ll be glad you did. And progress with your child will begin to accelerate, once someone is regularly listening to you.

• Set up Special Time with your attention-hungry child, and siblings too.

Often, parents with an attention-hungry child feel like they’re always giving their child Special Time. But Special Time comes with boundaries—it’s only a certain number of minutes, and only when the parent wants to give it. It has a beginning and an end. And these boundaries are very helpful, especially for children who crave attention. They get the attention they crave and get to be in charge of their relationship with their parent, but then the Special Time ends and the child can feel the attention going elsewhere—to another child, to the cooking or other household tasks.

And when a child has the attention they crave and has their sense of safety bolstered by the parent’s willing attention, they can feel the absence of attention at the end of Special Time. They can find a way to get upset. They can beg to play just two more rolls of the dice in the board game or to have you stay 5 more minutes to see their next Lego creation. And you can say, gently and warmly, “No. We’ll do more Special Time tomorrow.” And the feelings of need that drive them so much of the time can surface, while the two of you are close, and connected. This is the ideal time to work on feelings of need. Needs have been filled. Closeness has been created.

Sometimes, in families with two parents and two or more children, parents can set up Special Time so that each parent takes one child for Special Time at the same time. Then, if the feelings of need are focused on one parent, but not the other, the night that the child wants the other parent to be with them, they can have a chance to cry about not being with the parent they crave. A really good cry hung on this little pretext will go a long way to helping a child work through early hurt. The parent who is not wanted needs to stay close and keep expressing their caring, and their willingness to offer a good time together, while the child keeps feeling like they haven’t got what they need. I’ve seen relationships turn entirely around after an hour of this kind of cry when the rejected parent can stay warm and willing.

If there are more than two children, one parent can be the Special Time parent, and the other plays with the rest, so that there’s a round-robin arrangement to deliver Special Time to all the children, one at a time on the same evening, or one evening at a time, during the week. Again, parents need to be ready for emotional fireworks at the end of Special Time—nothing makes it safer to work on feelings of need like getting your needs met warmly, with 100% of a parent’s attention, even if it’s just for ten minutes!

• Set Limits early and often.

Often, children who feel starved for attention are helped immensely by a policy of 100% yes, warm and loving when you are set up to say yes, and 100% no, warm and loving, when you need to say no. So when your child asks for a backrub, and you have the time and generosity of heart, give that backrub. Give all of you along with it.

When you can’t really say yes, say no, and stick to it. Not in a mean way, not in a distant way. Say no, and offer your warmth, so that your child can become very fully upset, and get those troublesome feelings out at last. You will be told that you’re the worst parent in the world. Take your feelings about that to your Listening Partner, so you can withstand the emotional heat your child needs to unleash in order to heal from that debilitating set of feelings.

Sometimes, when a child is making a bee-line for your lap, or to grab your attention in some other way, simply reaching out your arm and placing your hand on your child’s  head or chest, so they can’t get closer to you than arm’s length, can work.

You offer warmth, you offer eye contact, but you keep your child from reaching the feeling of safety they crave. At a short distance, in the safety of your warmth and understanding, a child can begin a very good and healing cry.

They’re close, but their feelings of need aren’t numbed out by getting all the closeness they want. They’ve got your attention, and they’ve got you very near, but in a position where they can feel and shed the feeling that nothing is right, they don’t have enough. In truth, you are enough, even at arm’s length. Your attention is 100%. The feelings that release are from times long gone, and they’ll be much more relaxed for shedding them.

Don’t wait till you’re fed up or feel manipulated to say no. Bring a limit when you see the slightest hint of a frantic grab for attention. Offer daily Special Time, so you are connecting proactively with your child. And, secure in the knowledge that they do have all your attention at least once a day, bring the limit, and listen to them. Let your child set off those emotional rockets at last!

A good no is worth ten hours of trying to keep the peace! Say “no” warmly, but say it. Then Staylisten, or perhaps Playlisten. Here’s more about that strategy!

• Offer playful connection. Spark laughter in Playlistening.

Children who tend to monopolize attention are often unable to feel your presence through words. Their slightly-frightened-all-the-time system can’t process the words you say, or even make full use of the attention you do give them. Your attention doesn’t touch that part of them that is locked in the feeling of need.

So when they begin to whine or wheedle or beg for “just one more” of something, don’t say a thing. Just throw your arms wide and grab them in a big affectionate tackle. You want to be a big silly bear, nuzzling in on that pesky little baby bear, just for a moment.

“Play dolls with me, come on!” can be answered by throwing your child over your shoulders and marching around the living room, chanting to an invisible audience, “Ramona wants to play dolls! Ramona wants to play dolls!” with good cheer. It may help laughter break through, and when a child is laughing (not from being tickled, but from playful connection), connection is seeping into those locked-in-the-feeling-of-need places. Then put them down and tell them warmly that you’re going to finish what they interrupted.

When you respond with what we call The Vigorous Snuggle, you’re not trying to fill that bottomless pit of craving. You’re connecting, working for some laughter, and offering physical closeness, which is deeply reassuring to a frightened child. Your playful side-step away from doing what they say they want, to playful contact with them, will reassure your child, better than anything else, that you care.

Then, after you’ve connected, add your, “OK, Little Bear. I want to get back to visiting with Uncle Jimmy.” And because you’ve connected, they have a better chance of bursting into the big cry they need to offload another frozen hunk of the feelings that so often drive their behavior. You won’t be able to continue your conversation, which is frustrating, I know. But the use of Listening Tools here—the playful outreach, then the limit, then the Staylistening—are an investment in them. You work with your child now on their feelings (and, in Listening Partnerships, on yours), so that in 6 months, they’re not enslaved by them every time your attention turns to another person or task.

(You can’t always hit the right tone as you attempt to be playful. And your child isn’t always open to this kind of response. If your child is upset by your playful initiative, stop, and Staylisten. Let them know that you’re not going to do the thing they crave, then allow them time and space, without you saying much more, to work themselves into a good cry. Keep listening. Hold out the idea, now and then, that they can have a good day without you playing with them right this minute. Your child will cry harder at that thought until their upset clears. Then, with a sense of connection between you renewed by your generous listening, play without your direct attention will be much more possible.)

A great Playlistening game for parents of an attention-hungry child is, “I Want Her!” You snuggle with the child, and your partner or a good friend or trusted relative tries to pull the child toward them. You say, “Hey, I get her! I want her. You can’t have her—she’s mine, all mine!” and the other loved one vies for them, and finally gets them, and then the game continues. It’s a great game for children who just can’t feel satisfied by attention under ordinary circumstances.

Another is, “Be My Sweet Baby!” Unexpectedly scoop your child up, cradle them in your arms, and coo over their eyelashes, their eyebrows, their sweet ears…enjoy your child like you did when they were two months old. Don’t pretend. Try to really see what a lovely child you have there! If they struggle to get away, give chase! Watch for what lets them laugh—laughter is a big antidote to the isolation that attention-hungry children experience.

You’ll need to pursue these strategies, in concert, for a while. Every time you wear down and feel like, “This is so much work!” it’s time for your Listening Partnership—your haven where you can let someone know what a courageous and determined parent you are, and what it’s like to spend so much effort to rescue your child from her defended little fortress. Your efforts will set your child up for a much more deeply satisfying life ahead, and more peace at home for everyone in your family.

• Be on the lookout for separation-related emotional moments.

Often, children who have feelings of incessant need have big fears of separation from one parent or another at the root of those feelings. So try paying special attention to what happens when the “more desired” parent proposes to leave, or when your child is leaving for childcare, school, or the home of a sitter or relative. Often, children tighten up to get through the separation one way or another, but they aren’t happy. They can’t relax in the presence of others. They isolate themselves or become picky, aggressive, or whiny.

If you suspect that your child has unresolved separation issues, then pour in some special attention before each separation. Begin preparing for the biggest separation of the day or week by clearing some additional time to connect before it takes place. Try Special Time for 10 or 15 minutes of that time. Build that connection. Then, let your child know that it’s time to go, but be relaxed, don’t rush, and be affectionate. Take them to the place of parting, or let the sitter arrive, and then stay with the sitter and your child for an additional several minutes, just playing and paying attention.

Then say goodbye, and see if your child begins to have feelings or become frantic for contact with you. Set a few limits, little ones—“OK, sweetie. Sit in my lap for one more minute, but I’m not going to let you hang onto my neck. It’s too tight for me.” Those minor limits—saying Yes to most of what your child craves, but No to one small part of their desperate desire—will trigger big feelings when it feels safe enough.

Do what you can to take the time to listen fully before you really must go. (This can mean setting up a separation as much as an hour in advance of when you really must leave.) Things are going in a deeply healing direction when your child becomes absolutely frantic with fear about the proposed separation. Listen, anchor them, and let the feelings pour out until they finally feel safe again. Here’s how to make a plan to help with Separation Anxiety. And what to say when you Staylistening to their feelings.

Frozen feelings of need can melt; emotional support for you is vital.

Frozen feelings of need take time to dispel, but Listening Tools, and plenty of good emotional support for you in the process, can move things forward over time. Your child wants to be confident in the world, with and without you present. Playlistening, Special Time, Setting Limits, and Staylistening with your child, and the regular emotional support you can get with Listening Partnerships, will build your child’s confidence, and your own.

One way to connect with your child daily

Connecting daily in Special Time gives you time to tune into the challenges on your child’s mind and gives your child time to work through their fears using the best tool they have, with play and your good attention.

Get a free guide to Special Time.

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Les enfants s’épanouissent grâce au lien qui les unit à leurs parents

Leur besoin de lien est fort et constant tout au long de l’enfance. C’est ce sentiment de sécurité et de connexion qui permet aux enfants d’apprendre à grande vitesse, d’expérimenter et de jouer pleinement, de s’amuser et d’amuser les autres sans réserve, et d’avoir confiance en la bonté des personnes qu’ils connaissent.

Le sentiment de sécurité et de connexion d’un enfant est facilement brisé

Avec les nourrissons et les jeunes enfants, il suffit qu’un parent se détourne pour se laver les mains pour que l’enfant perde le sentiment que tout va bien. Parce que le “système d’alarme” de l’enfant est si sensible, tôt ou tard, tous les enfants éprouvent des sentiments de tristesse ou de peur face à la séparation.

Lorsqu’un enfant se sent bouleversé par une séparation, il y a deux types de causes :

Soit la rupture du lien se produit maintenant. Par exemple, un parent part au travail ou doit partir en voyage. Soit un petit soupçon de séparation réveille les sentiments emmagasinés auparavant. Mettre un enfant au lit, aller dans une autre pièce, parler au téléphone ou être pressé et surmené peut ouvrir les vannes à l’anxiété ou au chagrin issus de séparations antérieures plus difficiles.

Les peurs non résolues de la séparation sont souvent à l’origine de comportements difficiles

Lorsqu’un enfant est aux prises avec des sentiments non résolus à propos de la séparation, mais qu’il n’a pas la possibilité de les exprimer, il ne peut pas se sentir en sécurité. Il ne peut pas réfléchir. Il signale qu’il n’est pas sur la bonne voie lorsqu’il :

• Mord ou blesse, ou se montre excessivement “affectueux ” avec les autres.
• Se retire des autres ou les exclut dans leur jeu.
• Passe d’une activité à l’autre sans prêter attention à ce qu’il fait.
• Pleurniche, se rebiffe, se montre difficile ou a besoin d’un objet en particulier pour ne pas se sentir contrarié.

Tu peux aider un enfant à surmonter ses sentiments face à la séparation

Les enfants ont besoin de pleurer et d’avoir peur d’une séparation qui est sur le point de se produire, ou qui s’est déjà produite, afin de surmonter leurs peurs et de renforcer leur confiance en eux. Pendant qu’ils pleurent, ils ont besoin de l’amour et de l’attention de quelqu’un qui leur offre chaleur et sécurité. Au début, cela semble être une idée des plus étranges – pourquoi diable laisser un enfant pleurer pour sa maman ou son papa, alors que tu peux le distraire, l’endormir, le bercer ou le cajoler jusqu’à ce qu’il s’arrête ? Mais à maintes reprises, dans des milliers de situations, nous avons constaté que les enfants dont les sentiments sont écoutés deviennent plus confiants, se sentent plus proches de leurs parents et se sentent plus proches des autres personnes qui les ont écoutés pendant qu’ils pleuraient.

Voici les étapes que tu peux suivre pour aider un enfant à guérir réellement des sentiments qu’il éprouve à l’égard de la séparation

En suivant ces étapes, il développera sa capacité à explorer son monde et à apprécier les amitiés qui lui sont offertes. Il gardera également confiance en ses proches. 

1. Prends le temps de te connecter avec l’enfant

Les enfants ont besoin de se sentir proches de quelqu’un avant de se sentir suffisamment en sécurité pour exprimer leurs sentiments. La première étape pour aider un enfant à faire face à la séparation est donc d’ajouter de la chaleur et des liens au moment où il doit dire au revoir. Un Temps Particulier parent-enfant ou “nounou”-enfant qui comprend de la chaleur, un contact visuel et des rires aidera à renforcer le sentiment de connexion de l’enfant.

2. Amorce la séparation

Offre ta chaleur et ton soutien pendant que l’enfant pleure, tremble et se débat. Ce processus qui consiste à exprimer pleinement ses sentiments avec quelqu’un qui l’écoute est naturel, sain et profondément bénéfique pour l’enfant. Plus le parent reste longtemps, plus l’enfant sera en sécurité lorsqu’il montrera les sentiments de désespoir qu’il ressent. La personne qui écoute peut être le parent qui part, une personne qui s’occupe de l’enfant, ou les deux. Dans tous les cas, voici les étapes à suivre : 

3. Reste proche, mais pas trop proche

Tu veux que l’enfant ressente ton soutien, mais aussi qu’il ressente la séparation dont il a peur. Offre-lui un contact visuel et de l’affection. S’il se blottit contre toi et cesse de pleurer, déplace-le doucement pour qu’il puisse te voir. Ton attention l’aidera à ressentir à nouveau le chagrin.

4. Écoute ses larmes et ses peurs

 Écoute jusqu’à ce qu’il ait terminé, si tu le peux. C’est le moyen le plus rapide pour les enfants de retrouver la confiance que tout va bien. Pour les enfants qui ont de grosses angoisses, il est courant de pleurer avec une personne de confiance pendant trente à soixante minutes au début. Des pleurs répétés pendant plusieurs jours ou semaines peuvent être nécessaires pour dissiper toutes les peurs de l’enfant.

5. Montre-toi confiant.e

Si tu es le parent, dis à ton enfant : “Grand-mère (ou la nounou) va bien s’occuper de toi. Je vais revenir. Je reviendrai toujours vers toi.” Si tu es la personne qui s’occupe de l’enfant, dis-lui : “Je vais veiller sur toi jusqu’à ce que ton papa (ou ta maman) revienne. Quand tu iras mieux, nous pourrons jouer”.

6. Permets des adieux répétés

Laissez le parent s’attarder, en disant : “Il est temps pour moi de partir. Es-tu prêt à me dire au revoir ?” Cela permet à l’enfant de continuer à te montrer à quel point il se sent triste ou désespéré. Ses sentiments sont exprimés dans le contexte le plus sûr possible – avec le parent à proximité.

7. Rapproche la personne qui s’occupe de l’enfant.

Dis à ton enfant : “Tu vas rester avec Mamie pendant un moment. Elle est là. Elle va bien s’occuper de toi.” Ton enfant ne voudra pas la regarder ou la toucher pendant qu’il pleure. La personne qui s’occupe de l’enfant a besoin de savoir que l’enfant ne la rejette pas personnellement. Après avoir bien pleuré, ton enfant sera beaucoup plus ouvert à l’idée de s’amuser avec elle.

8. Ne minimise pas ses sentiments

Son instinct de guérison est à l’œuvre. Il est intelligent de sa part de renforcer sa confiance en déchargeant ses peurs. À un autre moment, lorsque ton enfant n’est pas présent, trouve quelqu’un pour écouter tes sentiments. Que ressens-tu lorsque ton enfant manifeste des sentiments profonds ? Quel moment de ton enfance cela te rappelle-t-il ? De quoi avais-tu peur lorsque tu étais enfant ? Quelqu’un qui t’écoute t’aidera à mettre de l’ordre dans tes propres sentiments à l’égard de la séparation, afin que tes propres peurs diminuent et que tu puisses rassurer ton enfant sur le fait que tout va bien.

Lorsque tu ne peux pas écouter un long adieu :

Si ton enfant est perturbé à plusieurs reprises par la séparation, mais que toi ou la personne qui s’occupe de lui n’êtes pas en mesure de l’écouter pleurer longuement à l’heure du départ, tu as trois options de base.

1. Après quelques instants d’adieu, quitte les lieux. Laisse-le continuer à pleurer dans les bras de la personne à qui te l’a confié. Avec du soutien et des informations à ce sujet, les personnes qui s’occupent de l’enfant peuvent parfois lui offrir cinq ou dix minutes d’écoute, voire plus, avant de passer à une autre activité. Cependant, il y a des moments où les besoins du groupe exigent que l’éducateur prête attention à plusieurs choses en même temps. Ne t’attends donc pas à ce que la personne qui s’occupe de ton enfant fasse tout le travail d’écoute dont il pourrait avoir besoin.

2. Commence les adieux avant d’arriver sur place. Écoute ton enfant pleurer avant de quitter la maison, avant de le faire sortir de la voiture ou devant la porte de la personne qui s’occupe de lui ou de la crèche. Cela l’aide à faire son travail émotionnel sans imposer à la personne qui s’occupe de lui des attentes qui pourraient s’avérer irréalisables.

3. Sois à l’écoute des sentiments de ton enfant à la maison. Les enfants qui éprouvent des sentiments au moment de la séparation les évoquent souvent à l’heure du coucher, lorsque tu vas dans une autre pièce ou lorsque tu portes ton attention sur quelqu’un d’autre. Tu peux insister doucement, progressivement, sur de petites séparations dans ces situations, en écoutant ton enfant aussi longtemps qu’il a besoin de pleurer. Ces pleurs à la maison l’aideront à améliorer sa confiance en lui lorsqu’il est confié à d’autres personnes. Si tu as un partenaire, demande-lui d’écouter votre enfant lorsqu’il pleure parce que tu lui manques. Cela améliorera leur relation et aidera votre enfant à se sentir plus confiant en général.

Nous sommes convaincus que, même s’il faut investir plusieurs fois du temps dans l’écoute, tu constateras une nette amélioration de la confiance en soi de ton enfant, de son humeur et de sa capacité à jouer avec les autres et à leur faire confiance, à mesure que tu écouteras ce qu’il ressent à propos de la séparation.

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Une enfant prend peur lorsque des circonstances qu’elle ne peut pas contrôler, ou des circonstances qu’elle ne comprend pas, perturbent son fragile sentiment de sécurité. Le processus du développement, la naissance, et la petite enfance présentent de nombreux moments lors desquels le sentiment de sécurité d’une enfant est perturbé.

Et bien que nous nous considérions comme une société évoluée, beaucoup d’enfants sont confrontés à des situations profondément isolantes ou même menaçantes pour leur propre vie et cela très tôt dans leur enfance. La dureté, les menaces et la violence, communément rencontrées dans les films, les dessins animés ou les contes de fées peuvent également causer des dommages.

Pour libérer ses sentiments de peur, ton enfant va choisir un prétexte

Les situations qui ont permis à la peur de s’installer, ont donné la sensation à l’enfant d’être sans défense et impuissante. Pour libérer ses émotions de peurs, elle raccroche ses peurs à un prétexte qui paraît ordinaire et banal. De cette façon, elle peut faire apparaître les émotions dans un moment où il n’y a pas de menace réelle.

Au fur et a mesure que l’enfant grandit, ses peurs vont s’attacher à un prétexte ou à un autre, si elle n’est pas parvenue à obtenir l’aide dont elle avait besoin. Ton enfant est prête à relâcher des sentiments de peur lorsqu’elle se montre effrayée face à une situation inoffensive.

Par exemple, un tout-petit qui a été traité une fois aux urgences pour une brûlure au second degré peut se montré terrifié lorsque sa maman lui brosse les dents. Ou un enfant qui a passé une semaine dans une couveuse, nourrisson, peut s’effondrer, “trop faible” pour faire un pas de plus lors d’une courte randonnée familiale dans les bois.

La peur se libère grâce au rire

Le jeu qui aide les enfants à surmonter leurs peurs commence par le fait d’offrir à un enfant un Temps Particulier, pendant lequel l’adulte fait tout ce que l’enfant désire faire (Voir notre livret, Le Temps Particulier, un des livrets de la série A l’écoute des enfants.) Tu es l’écoutante. Remarque ce que ton enfant aime faire, et soutiens-la avec proximité et approbation. Pendant ce temps, cherche les occasions de jouer le rôle le moins puissant.

Si ton enfant fait semblant d’aller au travail, pleure et prie-la de ne pas y aller. Si ton enfant veut jouer à cache-cache, essaie de l’attraper, mais échoue la plupart du temps. Si ton enfant demande à sauter sur le lit, demande-lui de façon joueuse de sauter “doucement”, avec assez d’étincelle dans le regard pour qu’elle comprenne que tu es prête à ce qu’elle te surprenne et t’effraie par la  hauteur à laquelle elle peut sauter.

Les peurs de ton enfant se libéreront alors qu’elle rit, tandis que tu joues ce rôle de la moins puissants. Plus tu vas jouer et éveiller le rire de cette façon, plus ton enfant deviendra audacieuse. Mais évite les chatouilles – ce n’est pas aidant.

La peur se libère grâce aux pleurs, aux tremblements et à la transpiration

Lorsque ton enfant est saisie par ses craintes, elle est prête à travailler sur ses sentiments de peurs les plus profonds. À ce moment là, il s’agit pour toi d’être aussi chaleureuse, bienveillante et confiante que tu le peux. N’essaie pas de modifier une situation sûre. Ton enfant a besoin de ressentir ses peurs afin de les évacuer. Ta présence confiante fera toute la différence pour elle.

Approche-la lentement de la situation effrayante, et garde la proche de toi. Lorsqu’elle commence à pleurer, à se débattre, à trembler et à transpirer dans tes bras, tu es exactement au “bon endroit”. Elle va se sentir mal : tu es là pour l’aider pendant qu’elle déverse cette terreur. Tu peux lui dire, “Je suis là et je ne vais pas partir. Tout va bien.” ou, “Je vois à quel point c’est difficile, et je veille sur toi à chaque instant. Tu es en sécurité.”

Ton enfant va très probablement protester, en te disant dans un langage puissant de t’en aller. Mais si tu pars ou si tu la réconfortes, elle ne peut pas évacuer ses peurs. Tu as besoin d’avoir confiance en l’idée que travailler sur sa peur, en toute sécurité dans tes bras, va l’aider.”

Reste auprès d’une enfant terrifiée aussi longtemps que tu le peux. Plus tu te montres tendre et confiante, plus ses peurs vont se dissoudre rapidement. Les enfants peuvent généralement pleurer et lutter, trembler et transpirer, jusqu’à une heure de temps avant d’en avoir fini avec un morceau de peur. Si tu le peux, reste auprès de ton enfant jusqu’à ce qu’elle réalise qu’elle est en sécurité dans tes bras, et que tout va bien. Lorsqu’elle atteindra ce point, elle se détendra, peut-être qu’elle restera pleurer profondément avec toi, et peut-être qu’elle se mettra à rire et à se faire cajoler dans tes bras pendant un long moment. Son comportement va changer sensiblement après la profonde libération émotionnelle.

Aider nos enfants à libérer leurs peurs peut être un travail difficile. Il est étonnamment difficile de laisser les enfants rire longtemps, et d’écouter la profondeur de leurs peurs et de leurs chagrins. Tu trouveras cela plus aisé lorsque tu trouveras quelqu’un qui puisse t’écouter, pour avoir la chance toi aussi, de dire ce que tu penses et de remarquer ce que tu ressentes tandis que tu travailles dur pour aider ton enfant à vaincre sa peur.

Voici le témoignage d’une maman sur comment cela peut fonctionner

“J’ai des jumeaux qui ont vingt-deux mois. Mon fils a toujours aimé les bains, mais un soir, tandis que lui et sa sœur en prenaient un ensemble, il a tiré le robinet de douche et ils ont reçu de l’eau sur le visage. Après cela, il s’est mis à refuser de prendre son bain. J’ai décidé qu’il avait besoin que je Reste-écouter.

Alors que je les amenais dans la salle de bain et que je mettais sa sœur dans le bain, je lui disais que j’allais l’y mettre lui aussi. Il s’est mis à pleurer et pleurer. Les deux premières fois que je l’ai écouté, il a dit “douche” et il a regardé vers le haut. Je l’ai rassuré en lui disant que c’était terminé avec la douche, mais je l’ai laissé aussi pleurer et en parler.

La nuit dernière, c’était la troisième fois qu’il pleurait. Il a commencé à pleurer en disant “Non” tout en se cramponnant a moi. J’avais rempli le bain avec un peu d’eau. Après environ cinq minutes, il a vu les animaux du bain sur le côté de la baignoire. Il m’a demandé de mettre le canard, puis le crabe, puis la tortue. Il a ensuite regardé dans la baignoire où je les avais mis et a dit “Nager” avec un grand sourire sur son visage.

J’ai confirmé qu’ils étaient en train de nager, puis il a levé les yeux vers moi et a dit : “Dedans”. Et c’était fini ! Merci, merci, merci. J’adore avoir des outils que je peux utiliser dans n’importe quelle situation.”

The post Aider les enfants à vaincre leurs peurs appeared first on Hand in Hand Parenting.

It took months to organize, but today you escaped for lunch with two old friends and left your kids with your partner. Secretly, you couldn’t be happier. Your youngest is going through a phase that is really demanding. They says “no,” whenever you ask them to do something. They are constantly asking for things they know are off-limits. They seem to need your attention every minute of the day. And you think “It won’t hurt for my partner to see what it is really like to be home with the kids all day!”

You’re frazzled. You needed this time. When you return, your partner tells you about the day they had. Your youngest was funny, played well and ate all his lunch. You’re happy to hear that (if a little peeved that things went so perfectly) and you settle in to enjoy spending time with them. But almost immediately the mood changes. Your youngest takes a marker and colors on the table. You set a limit. They yell “no”. Then throw the box of markers all over the room, and just for good measure, some at you.

Your partner is incredulous. “He was fine with me,” he says, holding up his hands. Why did this happen?

“It’s all about emotional safety,” says Madeleine Winter, Hand in Hand Certified Instructor.  “When we are alone with our children, we are doing our best to meet their needs – physical and emotional. But it is just not possible to do it perfectly. Inevitably, things happen that cause a child to accumulate tension – things we have no control over, or (dare I say it!) things we do wrong, or, at least, not quite right in their eyes. But when we are the only adult around caring for them, they are completely dependent on us. They are relying on us.”

“So even if they have feelings about us, or something we have done has been hard on them, they’ll often tamp those feelings down, because when we are all they have got, they can’t safely go there,” says Madeleine. “The return of another parent or loved one ups their safety levels,” she says. All of a sudden, children perceive an added security that feels “safe enough” to have those feelings bubble up. Working with parents as a Hand in Hand Instructor, Madeleine often hears of children getting upset when two or more adults are around. “It’s the presence of another adult that brings the feelings out,” she says.

 Ask Yourself Who Sees Your Children More?

There can another dynamic at work too. The way our society is organized, the balance of paid work and caring between parents is often not even. One parent will spend more time with the children than the other. In the example above, while the children had a great time with Daddy, and everything was going swimmingly, they don’t spend nearly as much time with Dad as they do with Mummy.

There’s often not as much emotional safety with the parent who is not the primary carer. So despite having a great time, they are a little more careful to keep their feelings under wraps for the day with the other parent. When the primary caregiver arrives home, the children “check-in” to the extra sense of safety in their relationship with them, and then let loose.

“Sometimes, when children seem to regularly go off-track with one parent and not the other, it can be a sign that their relationship with the parent they are ‘making trouble’ with is closer,” says Madeleine. “They are surer of their connection, and so it feels safer to show that parent when things get tight. With the parent they spend less time with, they are not so sure of their connection. They have a good day, but after guarding those feelings for most of it, they can’t wait to offload to you when you return.”

Madeleine says it’s got nothing to do with whether you are daddy or mummy – whoever spends the most time with the children is often favored, and upsets may show up more readily when that parent is around. “You can treat it as a kind of badge of honor: your child feels safe enough to show you that they are in trouble, and they are hopeful that you will be able to give them a hand with it,” says Madeleine.

What About When Children are Clingy?

On other occasions, if a parent has been away all day, and arrives home, a child quite often will absolutely refuse to go anywhere near them. It’s not that one parent is “doing better” than the other. It’s not that your child hates the parent that just arrived home. When you arrive home and your children don’t want a bar of you, it’s paradoxically because your arrival just made it safer.

“What your child is feeling, when it is safer, is how much they missed you,” Madeleine says. Since a working parent often tend to be the one away, it can look like the children don’t want that parent. But it can happen to whichever parent is away more. “I like to encourage parents to understand the situation as the opposite of how it is coming out of their child’s mouth: “I only want mummy!” is actually code for “Daddy, I missed you so much I can hardly bear it! And now you are both here, it’s safe to feel it!””

Why Kids Sometimes Switch Allegiance

Sometimes we see another switch. Your children seem to reserve all of their upsets for you, the main caregiver, and then turn into angels when your partner arrives home. Feel familiar?

From the minute your partner left this morning you haven’t had a moment. At morning snack you gave apples not bananas and your child had lots to say. They DO NOT want apples! Then they refused to take a nap. Then the super hero costume they demanded was not the one they usually want.  But the super hero outfit has mysteriously gone missing.

After throwing a tantrum over the costume, they emerge from their sibling’s room with a comic. Your oldest hasn’t looked at it in months, but now insists it’s their favorite and they need it. And they mean right now! By the time you sit through dinner with one child complaining about the menu and another sullen and silent, you can’t wait for the day to end.

When your partner comes back, they say they’ll bath them and read a story. You guffaw and wish them luck! But 20 minutes later, the scene looks like it comes from a movie called “Perfect Parent.” Both kids are wrapped up in bed, your partner is telling a story using a whole range of funny voices, and both kids are giggling.

“Do they really like my partner better than me?” a voice echoes in your head.

No, says Madeleine. “You can just assume that they are showing you the upsets because they feel safe with you.” And kids are smart. Your partner came home looking fresh and bouncy, as far as your kids can tell. Who wouldn’t take that as an opportunity to play?

It Won’t Always Be You Taking The Brunt

Never rely on a constant. Sometimes, one parent will take the brunt of a child’s upsets, and then the other parent will get a turn. If you are parenting singly, you’ll see this happen with relatives, teachers, or sometimes, close friends. “I think what is important to understand is that it is complex, changing, and is fundamentally about the fact that as carers of children, we are in the center of a complex and dynamic set of relationships,” says Madeleine.

“It’s not really about our children’s “behavior” or even about ours. It’s just the constantly shifting sense of emotional safety.” And it is not just about the children! We may be parenting as a single parent, which has it’s own challenges. But if we are parenting with others, our children’s emotional safety depends in a big part on the strength of our parenting relationship. “So often, parents come to me with troubles in their relationship with their child, but it doesn’t take long for it to become clear that the relationships with the other adults in the family dynamic are at least as challenging,” Madeleine says.

Becoming parents can put incredible stress on your relationship. In fact, when we parent with another person we probably have several kinds of relationship – friendship, a domestic relationship, a financial relationship, a sexual relationship, and probably several others. It’s complex. Each relationship has it’s own terms, and affects the others. When we add in parenting we all know what that means – less time, less sleep, less money and less…

Madeleine says it is to be expected that under these circumstances things get tight. As well, parenting pushes us up against some of our own earliest struggles. “Before we were parents, we might have been able to avoid or “manage” some of these difficulties. Once we are parents, though, our children’s needs, and our deep commitment to hanging in there to meet those needs.

What To Do When a Child Plays Parent Favorites?

A badge of honor it may be, but the constant taking of sides, big upsets, attention-grabbing behavior or disruptiveness when another caregiver comes home can be draining. Added to this, tensions with your parenting partner over how to handle it can be deeply demoralizing. What tools or strategies can parents use when kids seem to be taking sides, acting up and aiming it all at one parent? Or when you seem to be constantly on the edge of an argument with your partner about how to handle it?

Hand in Hand’s Five Must-Have Tools for Handling a Child’s Big Feelings

Here are five approaches you can take to keep calm, stay connected and carry on when it feels like your child is “playing favorites.”

1. Think “Off-Track” not “Acting Up”

When we describe children as “acting up or acting out”, it carries the implication that they are somehow willfully behaving badly. Madeleine says “I think the phrase “off track” is a better description. When our children can’t behave in a way that is workable, in any particular situation, then they have lost their sense of connection – with us, and with their own sense of goodness. They are “off track”.”

When this happens, their behavior has become rigid, and they are full of feelings. They can’t think well. They can’t make good choices – the kind of choices that will have everything go well. The behavioor can be annoying, but is sometimes unavoidable. “They aren’t out to get you, they are actually choosing to show you that they need you now,” Madeleine says.

2. Find Someone Who Can Listen

“It’s hard when we feel hijacked by our children’s difficulties. One of the first things I’d suggest is for the adults involved to get some Listening Time,” she says. A Listening Partnership is a great way to get and give support as you listen in turn to each other. The times when our children show their difficulties can be predicted, and we need to plan for those times. But we often feel overwhelmed, and are vulnerable to hoping that it won’t happen again, even when it has happened every other time.

Take those feelings to a Listening Partnership. Ask yourself:

•       How frustrating is it when…
•       What does it remind me of?
•       How unfair is it?

Expressing it all in the presence of a warm Listener who doesn’t offer solutions, but just listens as you offload the tension, can leave you able to think much more clearly. Once you have got the initial frustrations off, you can use your Listening Time to review what happens in the interactions with your children, look for patterns, and plan for how you will deal with the difficulties.

3. Get Closer to Your Child

When you are working towards resolving a persistent difficulty in your relationship with your child, focus on increasing your “connection time” with them. “A deeper sense of connection with their caregivers will sometimes be enough to ease difficulties. A Tool we call Special Time is a great way to build connection. One child, and one adult, or maybe both adults, play just the way the child wants to play, letting the child take the lead, delighting in them and enjoying their time together,” Madeleine says.

“Announce it and name it. That way your child has a better chance of noticing that you are really paying them attention,” says Madeleine. “I think of Special Time as the grease that helps the wheels of connection move smoothly.” Try some Special Time just after you arrive home to help re-connect with a child who has been away from you all day. On days you need to be away, you can have Special Time with your child and the adult you plan to leave them with, which helps them connect with the person who will care for them.

4. Help Clear The Emotional Backlog

“I think the presence of the most important adults in a child’s life may just be too tempting for a child not to take the opportunity to bring up an upset. However, you might be able to reduce the load a child is carrying at other times, which may make the time you spend together a little less full of upset.”  Perhaps you can’t handle a big upset well when it is nearly dinner time and your co-parent has just arrived home, but there maybe other times that you could listen. Your child might get upset during the day – when there are peas instead of corn, over having to share a toy, over nap time, or waking from nap time.

It’s really worth paying attention at those times, just by listening and not moving immediately to try to solve the problem. At Hand in Hand we call this Staylistening. Madeleine says, “If you can listen when you have time, then it will lower the total level of emotional pressure your child is operating under. You ‘drain the bucket’ a little each time, and sometimes this means your child can get through other times, the times of transition of a parent coming home, or a family gathering, or getting stuck at a supermarket, without needing to have a big upset.”

“You can also use Special Time in this way: If your child has a backlog of upsets, you may find that your child uses the end of Special Time to get upset. This is why we recommend that you time Special Time – it needs to have a clear ending.” “Plan for this! If you have 20 minutes, do 10 minutes of Special Time and know that you will probably need to listen to your child’s upset about “the end of Special Time.” Remember, it’s not about this at all. The end of Special Time is just a pretext that children use to for bring up feelings about all sorts of other things.”

5. Partner with Your Partner

Madeleine says “If things have become rocky with your parenting partner, don’t go it alone! Parenting is quite possibly the most important thing you have ever done, one of the most complex, and the thing you care about most. It’s worth investing in getting whatever help you can.” It’s not an admission of failure – think of it like getting some supervision in a complex and demanding job. It can be really helpful to get clear about where you struggle individually and together, and about the points of disagreement and how you are going to negotiate them.”

Madeleine also recommends doing smaller things to ease things between you. When she was home in the early years and her partner was working, they would talk on the phone on his drive home, checking in, connecting and sharing how the day had gone. Sometimes it was a little tricky combining this with her daughter’s late afternoon and evening routine, but it meant that when her partner got home, she and he were at least a little connected, and he could focus on reconnecting with their daughter.

And Madeleine has another secret ingredient she uses in her relationship. Surprising as it might sound, they do Special Time together every now and again. “Just tell your partner, “Let’s make 20 minutes each where we do just exactly what you want to do. Then let’s swap, and you can be with me while I do what I want to do.” Explain the rules of Special Time – unconditional delight, general enthusiasm, interest and warmth, no comments, judgements or criticisms.  “It works wonders,” Madeleine says.

From the Hand in Hand Toolbox

Read a free chapter on Special Time from the book Listen: Five Simple Tools To Meet Your Everyday Parenting Challenges.

Read more about partnering well in parenting here.

Here is a sweet story about adult-to-adult Special Time.

Find your online village within the Hand in Hand Parent Club Community.

Reduce overwhelm and stress as you deepen your connection to your children.  Find Listening Partners and get daily coaching around your biggest parenting challenges.  Learn to implement the Hand in Hand Tools with confidence for consistent results as you create more cooperation and peace in your home. TWO WEEKS FREE! You are not alone! Welcome to your Parent Community!

The post When a Child Prefers One Parent appeared first on Hand in Hand Parenting.

What I love about working with children around separation anxiety, is that it can be done at times which are convenient to us, when we have some spare emotional reserves, rather than JUST at the dreaded drop off in front of onlookers.

I hope this post will give you some ideas about how to shift your child’s anxieties around separation. 

How I found kind supportive ways to help my children with separation anxiety.

Both my own children struggled with drop-offs, at nursery, starting school, being left at playdates, birthday parties or with babysitters. It made for frustrating and stressful transitions and at times stopping us from making plans, and stopped them joining in activities I was sure they would otherwise enjoy. 

We did all the usual preparations. We did the settling in sessions, we tried playing together in the space but there were still occasions where the nursery worker had to hold him crying as I left. 

I think many of us are taught to have a brusque approach, to ignore the “silliness” and be detached. We’re supposed to be comforted that our child stops crying as soon as we leave. As if our children are manipulating us by crying, deliberately pulling our heartstrings in some perverse game.  That judgment grows when a child is so scared that they fight for themselves and get physical and aggressive. I believed my son was “fine” once he was in class and thought “that’s just how things go” but I noticed he showed his separation anxiety at other times. 

Bedtime became a big struggle. I didn’t know then that bedtime struggles are often separation anxiety problems. I just knew I was exhausted and the conventional methods weren’t really working. 

My younger son was similar. He got used to going into nursery, and enjoyed his time there, but sometimes he still struggled to say goodbye to me in the morning.  We hadn’t rid ourselves of the anxiety, we’d just learnt to live with it. 

By the time he was due to start school I had discovered the Hand in Hand Parenting Tools and learned more about how children’s emotions work.  I knew that I didn’t want him to just get by, I wanted him to thrive. 

You can download this guide, How Children’s Emotions Work at no cost if you want to know more about this.

The Long Goodbye

One of the Hand in Hand approaches to separation issues is called The Long Goodbye. In essence, this approach looks completely different than the usual quick hug, kiss goodbye, as you leave your child crying with a careworker. Instead, it’s about stretching out the goodbye to give the child time, space, and safety to work on the sorrow and fear around saying goodbye to the ones they love. 

I began this process by bringing the subject to my Listening Partnership. Although I knew that separation anxiety is natural, I spoke of my regret that I didn’t have these tools earlier. I had done things, some in good faith, which probably exacerbated both my sons fears. I lamented that I might have caused more harm than good, and I was heartbroken that I might have caused pain for my children. 

I cried with Listening Partners who knew I was good, that I had done the best I could with the knowledge and support that I had. After a while I could hold that truth myself, somewhat forgiving myself and found I could be lighter around the subject. I talked about what goodbyes had been like for me, saying goodbye to my parents, and friends. I took time to cry some more as I sat with that discomfort.

I also talked about the judgments I felt from other parents and teachers. What would they think of me? That my children didn’t just glide into class, quietly and obediently. What would it be like to be watched allowing my child to cry and listen to their upset?  And I talked about my ugly frustrations. Why did MY child have to be anxious? Make such a fuss? And my fears. Would they always be anxious? Stop them from living their lives? 

Then, I began working with my son.

As a new student, parents could accompany their children to the classroom, and he’d grown used to me being there as he hung his coat and found his place on the carpet? Now he was older, that was expected to change.

I told him a week before school started, “After the holidays, you’ll need to walk in on your own”.  And then I listened. This is part one of The Long Goodbye. He was loud, angry and full of emotion. I gently said it again, “Uh-ha, yes, you’ll need to go in by yourself after the holidays,” and I listened some more. 

He charged at me then, and I made sure I didn’t get hurt. I provided resistance to his pushing on me, I let him feel his strength and I met it with love and understanding. He needed to fight, to struggle.  This was his emotional process working. 

When I felt myself shift into a place that did not feel calm, or on his side, I gently broke off the process a little. We got a snack and played in the park. 

I planned to use that week to work on his separation fears. I wanted to give him time and opportunity to show me what came up for him when I proposed this next step of leaving me. Every time I mentioned him going in by himself I listened with warmth and connection. 

Laughter is a super connector, making us feel attached, welcomed and loved. It is so good at healing hurts that sometimes laughter on its own is enough to help a child separate happily. Where the hurts run deeper, the laughter can build the safety and shift enough feelings so that a child is able to cry about the separation and heal through crying.  So, we also did lots of Playlistening games and upped our Special Time to help balance the harder work of Staylistening. 

I suspected that there was still work to be done on that first day of school, and so I planned for lots of time to listen. I got up early so I could be ready before the children. I gave myself time to mention walking in alone as the children were getting into their uniforms, listening to what bubbled up. We left to walk to school earlier than usual so that as we walked I could stop, get close and listen when he started to object and cry.

In the playground I spoke to his teacher, and explained that my son would come in on his own that morning, but that I would wait with him until he was ready and so he might be late. I’m sure the teacher had no idea what I was talking about, nor why I was doing it, but my lightness and confidence was enough for her to accept it without question. 

Then my son really cried, but he didn’t struggle anymore. He told me he would miss me, and I assured him I would miss him too. When he stopped crying I played a favorite Playlistening game of his called “One more kiss” and followed his giggling, until he said “OK Mummy, but this is the last kiss and then I HAVE to go.” 

And he went.  He wasn’t even late, but if he had been, that would have been ok. And it would have been ok if I had needed to take him in after a while. I would have told him what a great job he had done, and that tomorrow we would try again, keeping light, positive, and encouraging.

Since then I’ve worked with a number of families where the separation anxiety was more extreme. Sometimes separation anxiety ran through the whole family, and parents struggled, older siblings struggled and younger siblings followed suit.  Sometimes there’s an obvious link to a dramatic separation. If you had a difficult birth, or you or your baby needed medical intervention, and your baby spent time in incubators, you might notice this. Sometimes even if you or your partner were physically present your child, as a baby, may not have felt that presence, especially if you faced loss, grief, family stress, or depression. 

Sometimes there is no obvious link.

What we do know is that there was once a time where the emotional emergency caused the fear to stick, and a newer separation, like attending daycare or school, triggers the same overwhelming sense or fear or desperation.  When I work with children facing separation anxiety, I focus on connection and providing grounding, space and listening. I really want the child to show me how hard it feels. It can look like crying, shouting, rage, struggling, or fighting. 

I stay as close as I can without overwhelming the child, offering warm eye contact and assuring them they are safe, and that mummy or daddy are coming back. Listening to a young child is a dance, and it doesn’t always feel comfortable, but that’s as it should be. We need to be questioning ourselves as we do it. I ask myself if I am staying warm, patient and understanding. 

You know that good shifts are taking place after an emotional outburst when you can see your child can:

• Make warm eye contact
• Laugh and giggle
• Engage with the world and people around them, 
• Affectionate and light 
• Cooperate more easily. 

One child I worked with had a strong bond with me, but had so much to work on that they spent weeks crying and tantruming as they said goodbye to their parent. Still, we watched him thrive as he overcame the separation and moved through those fear feelings. His vocabulary exploded and he was delighted and engaged with the world. 

My favorite 5 tips to wash separation anxiety away

Listening time for you. This is the perfect time to work on your own history with goodbyes. Here are some things to think about:

• Ask your family and learn how you reacted as a child saying goodbye.
• Think about what you remember about being dropped at childcare or at school yourself. What do you remember about your parents responses to it? 
• What comes up for you when you are dropping off your child, or even contemplating leaving your child with someone else? 

Have someone be with you while you think, talk, cry, or laugh, someone that won’t judge you, offer advice or criticism but just hold that you and your child are doing your best, and that you’ll figure it out. 

Get laughter going through your child’s day: The great thing about working about separation anxiety (or sleep separation anxiety) is that some of the work can be done at other times of the day. 

Plan for a rough goodbye: Plan to arrive early and lavish your attention and connection on your child. Allow time to listen to how much they don’t want you to leave. Try not to hope or wish that today will be better, because your child may pick up on this expectation which only adds more tension to the situation. If you are finding it hard to listen, do go back to your listening partner.

Plan for a rough hello: Children pick up much that is non-verbal. They learn that it is not ok to show their anxiety and may grit their teeth instead. The tension may finally be released when you are reunited. It helps to think up some connective Playlistening games at hand to ease that transition.

Look for results AFTER upsets: With all the emotions that are being worked through, it is helpful to remember that the a child’s intensity during upset does not lessen. Instead, look for how your child is after they have worked on a hard bit of emotion. Are they more cooperative later on that day? Are they more quick to laugh or seem lighter as they engage with their world? Do they offer more affection the next day? If you do see these things, you can be sure your warm listening and connection is helping. Their world feels lighter to them.

So, what happened in our family?

Last weekend I dropped my son off at a new sports club. He didn’t know if he would recognize anyone there. He didn’t know the coach, yet, he was excited and relaxed.  In a few months, he’ll spend a whole week away on a school residential trip. He’s so excited he wants to pack his bags already.  When I think back to those days he clung to me crying, when I had to prise him off and leave him crying, I see. He’s come a long way. And so have I.

4 games to help your child with separation anxiety

Love tug

Invite an over-the-top tug of war game over your child with loved ones. For instance, you may spot your child climbing on to their grandma’s knee and proclaim “NO! you can’t go with grandma, I need a cuddle from you” and gently tug on the child as grandma replies, “NO! I need X, you can’t have them, they’re MINE!” Watch the giggles flow as your child gets waves of reassurance about how much they are loved. This still works with my 10-year-old and is actually a favorite game for me when my husband and children play this with me at the center. A lovely three-way hug at is a joyous ending when we play this game.

One more kiss

This game is great to play at bedtime, drop-off time, or even moving from one room to another. Play up your need for one more cuddle or kiss, using silliness to connect with your child, showing them how sad you are going to be without them and how hard goodbye is for you. If you hear a giggle, you’re on the right track. Experiment with what works for your child. One of my sons doesn’t laugh at my sadness, the other does. One son giggles when I am grumpy about the goodbye: “Don’t you go in the other room, I need you here!” said in an indignant way works better for him that when I act sad. 

Small world play

With any soft toy, doll, sock puppet or Lego figures, initiate a dialogue between two figures and see where your child takes it. You might try wondering with your child if the doll is off to work? Ask open-ended questions and pause to see what your child will do with the scenario. (This can lead to surprising insights). Allow your child to speak or act through the guide of play, within the fantasy. And let play be play. It can be helpful to remember that banging a doll’s head is JUST a doll’s head, speaking rudely or angrily to a doll is just play and doesn’t mean your child is going to do the same with a live child or adult in the real world. When kids get to work through issues during play it can shift their emotions so when they experience the actual goodbye or goodnight the same emotions are not triggered.

Take the less powerful role in play

When your child is leaving a room or just moving away from you, try playfully reversing the goodbye roles. One way to do this is by saying, “Oh, you’re not going off to work are you?” and see how they run with it. They might grab a “work” bag and run away saying “Yes, and you have to stay here!” Then when they “return” you can be grateful and welcoming and plead with them not to leave you again. Play this up further by begging them to stay as they move away again. This game can go on for as long as the child is happy, giggling and has attention for it.

Quick games for reconnecting after separation

Sometimes your child will save up their separation fears until they see you again. Laughter takes the weight of that fear and shifts it positively, so try reconnecting with these smile-making games.

Chase around the playground

I like to make eye contact with my child, so they see me grinning, then I will dart away and have them chase me a little before they catch me, usually giggling.

Blinking contest

Stare at each other until someone blinks. Non-blinker wins. (When you make sure THEY win, you can act super disappointed and demand a re-match, which, of course, you also lose!)

Thumb wars

Go to shake one another’s hands, and grasp them with your thumbs on top. Have your thumbs move from side to side as you both chant “1,2,3,4, I declare a thumb war,” then both try to trap each other’s thumbs under your own and hold them there until the victorious person repeats “1,2,3,4 I win the thumb war.” Again, let your CHILD win, as you take the less powerful role, and demand a re-match that you are sure you will win, and then lose again! This gives them a good dose of empowering victory, a useful element in overcoming separation fears. 

Hide and seek

We play this in the playground or a nearby park and it’s always a hit, even with other children. Try adding in some chasing when you find the hiding players to add in extra giggles.

Back To School Bumper Resource Pack

Get more supportive strategies to help with the back to school transition. Get it here.

The post Stop Separation Anxiety In A Kind and Supportive Way appeared first on Hand in Hand Parenting.

For more on handling separation anxiety, see the “Toward Sweeter Separations” section in the new book Listen: Five Simple Tools to Meet Your Everyday Parenting Challenges. You can also learn  more about Listening Partnerships to get support for yourself.

Connect with Madeleine for a free 20 minute consultation

From the Hand in Hand Toolbox

Learn more about how a Long Slow Goodbye can help heal separation

Find your online village with the Hand in Hand Parent Club Community.

Get Weekly Zoom Support Calls, 24/7 Coaching in our private discussion group, plus weekly Learning Labs for deep dives into your biggest parenting challenges.  Learn to implement the Hand in Hand Tools with confidence for consistent results as you create more cooperation and peace in your home. Welcome to the Parent Community!

The post “I Have to Leave Now!” Solving Separation Anxiety Replay appeared first on Hand in Hand Parenting.

Q: My 7-year-old daughter keeps asking for her best friend to sleepover. We know the girl and her family quite well, and the girls really have a great time playing together. My daughter has had cousins to stay, and one other friend, but this will be the first time her best friend would stay. Her mother has told me that although her daughter is keen to come for the night, she’s worried too because she usually falls asleep with her mom in the room. However, next year, they’ll have a school overnight camp, and we feel them getting some sleepover experience will prepare them for that trip. 

Do you have any tips on how you would approach this situation? What happens if she wakes and wants her mom?

A: It’s great that you are both thinking of positive outcomes for this sleepover. A first night away from home can be a big deal, and you are right to anticipate some big feelings.

Luckily sleepovers are good excuses to foster lots of play and giggles – and those will help your daughter’s friend relieve a lot of the tension she might be feeling. After some good laughter through games like pillow fighting, or chase, why not wind down the evening’s fun by gathering the girls together and having them pick some books to read. If you stay and read and keep the mood light, you’ll be fostering a nice relaxed surroundings for the night to come.

If, at lights out, you find that your daughter’s friend is restless, try some Staylistening. If she complains that she wants mommy or daddy, hear her through. You could say things like, “I know this is hard for you. I’m right here.”

If she really starts crying, it’s time to offer your affection. Don’t say too much, but keep holding her and offering reassurance as she lets the tears fall, and stay close until she begins to recover. You’ll know when this is happening because she’s likely to look around and start noticing other things. When she’s ready, you might try asking if she’d like one more book before sleep.

When a child is allowed to fully express and release the fears she has, those fears often will dissipate. You might be surprised at how calm your daughter’s friend becomes, and she’ll likely be happy to fall asleep. If not, try the listening one more time, before you agree to calling her mom.

Talking of mom, it would be an idea to talk about when it might be time to call her in.  Let her know that you are comfortable with tears, and happy to handle upsets, but ask her if there’s a point she’d like you to call.

Here’s to a happy sleepover – and lots of giggles.

Madeleine is a Hand in Hand Instructor and Parent Coach of many years.  She loves to help: why not book a Free 20Minute Consultation, and she can help direct you to the best resources and support.

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Kids Fighting: Why Responding In A Playful Way Stops Sibling Aggression

We were at end of a stressful week and I was not feeling particularly relaxed. I’d thought about my sons on the way over and decided that when we got home, even though it wouldn’t be early, I would spend some playful time with them, giving them my undivided attention before I started preparing dinner because we had really missed it over the last few days.

As I arrived to pick at their kindergarten, I even told the caregivers my plan.I guess I was somehow ‘programming’ myself to carry it out, but we didn’t quite make it that far!

My Kids Begin Fighting in the Backseat

As we were arriving home, one of my sons negotiated that instead of parking and walking to the house together, I would drop them off in front of the house and then I would go and park the car.

I agreed to that request. 

Then, as we passed the bakery, my other son decided that he wanted a chocolate candy. We had just parked by the house and so I told him that instead, I’d give them a square of chocolate at home. He insisted on the bakery chocolate candy, and when I held my limit and refused, he burst into tears and had a tantrum right there, in the car.

I Stumble on a Playful Response That Transforms My Kids Fighting

At that moment, this twin brother began shouting and hitting him. I quickly reacted to protect them from each other physically, but at the same time as I felt a rush of panic. “What was I doing? How would I stop them?”

And I don’t know where the idea came from, but as I was surrounding Lucas to protect him, I said, in a really light and powerless tone, “Please Diego, don’t hurt Lucas!”

It really was a light tone!

And since Lucas was also trying to hit his brother, I then surrounded Diego and told Lucas in the same tone, “Please Lucas, don’t hurt Diego.”

They started to laugh!

In fact, the more powerless and desperate I looked in front of their anger, the more they seemed to enjoy it, so I repeated this move, surrounding one of my sons while begging the other not to hurt his brother, several times.

Pretty soon, they were laughing hard.

After just two or three minutes of this real joyful laughter, I suggested that we should get out of the car and walk back home and they easily accepted. 

Peace Remains for the Rest of the Afternoon

Back home, I took my usual five minutes to tidy up the bags we had and settle down, I then saw that my sons were playing calmly and quietly together in the living room. Since they seemed to be doing so well, I decided to change my plan to play and prepare dinner instead.I guess, they’d also been planning on getting some of my attention, and beat me to it! The play had happened, quite unexpectedly, in the car. 

I still feel surprised when I think about that evening because they actually kept playing together cooperatively for almost an hour. I had all that time to take care of dinner and even relax a little myself.

A while later, and feeling reenergized, I was even more willing to spend some fun moments with them, as I had initially planned.

All it really took to gain this peaceful evening was those few minutes of responding playfully to their aggression, listening to their emotional expression, before coming home. 

Have you seen the powerful effects of play like this at your house?

Why Play Heals Children’s Rifts and Stops Them Fighting

It can feel hard responding to children’s aggression with lightness. If you have trouble, try offloading with a listener before and after things get tense. Noticing what comes up for you can help clear space to stay playful.

There is also three things Chloe did that helped her keep playful when her kids started fighting.

Expect Tension When LIfe Has Been Busy

Chloe had expected and allowed for the fact that a busy week kept her occupied and not as playful and close to her boys. Because she sees how her attention fosters warmth, she realized that without that connection, her boys might be feeling adrift. 

Step Into The Role of Safety Manager First

When challenging behavior shows up, Chloe is not surprised. Rather than reacting to their sibling aggression, she becomes the safety manager when fights and tears break out on the back seat. She makes her first move by shielding her children, physically setting a limit on hitting. 

Stay Present To Stay Playful

Chloe feels herself getting caught up thinking when she asks “What should I do?” but she is present enough to put that aside when she sees her son’s reaction to her less powerful position and she moves to play. She continues to follow those giggles by acting more inept, by being bumbling and powerless around her kids fighting. The more she played it up, the more they laugh.

If we act playfully when children start fighting, we can ease the tension and melt the big feelings causing the challenging behavior, without ever asking “Who did what?” The Playlistening Chloe did, and laughter it produced, connected the three of them so much so that the boys played well together, while Chloe was able to fix dinner. 

You can also set limits with humor. Read how here

For more ideas on dealing with your child’s aggressive behaviors, watch this three-part video series and stop aggression breaking out in your house today.

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Thunder. Bees. Slides. Broccoli. Escalators. Tests.

There is no shortage of things that can send our child into minor avoidance or full-on terror.

As a parent, we want to help our child triumph over fear, but most often we’re at a loss for what to do. Sometimes the only thing we can think of to help our fearful child is to let them avoid whatever is scaring them. If our child is afraid of dogs, we may choose to avoid dogs when we’re out. If our child is afraid of new foods, we may stick to familiar food choices only.

Face the Fear or Let Them Grow Out of it?

While we may reassure ourselves that they’ll “grow out of it” someday, this often puts us in the position of leaving our child alone on the sidelines or actively helping them avoid what scares them. After a while, either choice leads us down a path of avoiding more and more things as our scared child grows ever more fearful.

It is especially hard when these fears start to interfere with family life. A fear of water may have us skipping pool parties, days at the beach, and even bath time. And, our hearts sink as we watch our child sit on the sidelines while other children run through a sprinkler laughing. We long to help our sweet child, but we also don’t want to push them too hard!

We may try cajoling them with reassurance or even bribe them with treats if they just try to face their fear. But our best intentions often don’t work. At this point, we may feel torn between pushing them to face their fear and just giving up on them. We may even get angry and snap at them for being “ridiculous.”

However, neither forcing our child to face their fears prematurely nor helping them avoid what scares them feels particularly good to us parents! Both leave us feeling powerless to help our child in a kind and respectful way.

How Can I Help My Child Triumph Over Fear?

Luckily, it’s not an either/or issue. As parents, we can take an active role in supporting our child and help them conquer their fears in a powerful, respectful way using the Hand in Hand Parenting Listening Tools.

Here are some ways that you can try now to support your child and help them triumph over their fears. 

Increase your Connection with Special Time

A great first step to helping your child overcome their fears is by pumping up your connection with them. The safer and closer your child feels to you, the more easily they can show and shed the fearful feelings they have been holding on to and managing through behaviors like avoidance, aggression, and fussiness.

Special Time is a form of play where you let your child be in charge of your relationship for a set amount of time. It may be anywhere from a few minutes to half an hour. This time together is different from other play times with your child as you will follow their lead (no multi-tasking or phone-checking), shine all of your warmth and attention on them, and do not offer any advice or suggestions on what you do together. Let your child direct the play. The more regularly you can do this, the more often your child can show you what’s on their mind.  

Even very young children will find ways to work through what’s troubling them with your attention. Here’s how one young child used Special Time to work through her fear of dogs and here’s how Special Time helped me gain a better understanding of my daughter’s fear of big kids.

You can learn more about the power of Special Time with this free video series and checklist.

How Increasing Laughter and Connection Helps Kids Triumph

Laughter helps release the lighter tensions and fears we have. For children, having a chance to take on the more powerful role, while the obviously bigger and more knowledgeable grown-up takes on the less powerful role can be a boon to their confidence.

This play can be very simple. If your child is afraid of thunder, for example, you might play the “I-hope-no-one-makes-any-loud-or-surprising-noises” game. Said in a playful tone, your child will catch on and give you a loud “boom” or other noise at which you can respond by being playfully startled and then say you hope that it doesn’t happen again (wink, wink). If your child laughs at your silly fearfulness you know you’re on the right track. Keep doing what you’re doing! If you’re not getting laughter, try adjusting your tone, or try another angle, to see if you can find what gets the giggles going.

One parent I know found it helpful to play with her son around his food fears. As his palate choices were shrinking, and mealtime anxiety was growing, she added play to their dinner times. When he fussed and squirmed about the broccoli on his plate, she looked at it with disgust and said, “I hope nobody tries to get ME to eat that. I do not like my broccoli chopped that way!” He jumped at the opportunity to feed her spoonfuls of chopped broccoli which she playfully “gagged” on, tried to spit out, and finally ate with great “disgust.” The amazing part was that after all that laughing he unexpectedly took a bite and tried it himself!

Playfulness can help our children triumph over many fears including hairwashing, separation, swimming underwater, and even balloons!

Set (small) Expectations and Listen to the (BIG) Feelings 

In helping our children conquer their fears they’re going to need to edge up to them. This is where we as parents can help our children by not pushing them too hard, nor helping them continue to avoid. As we edge up to the fears, Hand in Hand founder Patty Wipfler suggests we act like we have “all the time in the world” to conquer the fear. If we move too fast too soon, we scare an already scared child. While untying the knot of fear can and will take time, the process can move more easily if we remember to go slow.

Our language and tone also make a big difference here. Dismissing our child’s feelings with “Don’t be a baby. There’s nothing to be afraid of,” or enabling them with “I know that’s soooo scary! Let’s not do that,” do not support them in moving forward. To help our child gain confidence, we need to be physically close and have our tone convey reassurance that we’ll keep them safe while we introduce the challenge.

We might say things like:

• “I’m right here with you. I won’t leave you alone with this.”
• “I really think you can do this. I’ll stay with you while you try.”
• “I’m sorry it’s hard right now. I’ll keep you safe.”

On a recent group outing, one of the children in our group was afraid to ride the tram up a mountain. It was the only way to get where our group was going, so the expectation was gently set that she would need to ride the tram up with everyone, and mom and dad would be right beside her. Reluctantly, and tearfully, the girl got on. She cried the entire way up, saying she was afraid of heights. Her mom and dad held her and listened while she sobbed hard. “We’re right here, sweetie,” they told her gently. “We won’t let anything happen to you. You’re safe.” Each reassurance brought more tears as the girl kept her face buried into her mom until they reached the top of the mountain.

Once they were off the tram the girl seemed back to herself, but her parents wondered what the trip back down would be like. However, when it was time to head back their daughter hopped on the tram easily and chatted happily all the way down as if she had never been afraid. It appeared the fear had lifted! Remarkably, about a month later, this same child decided to go on an amusement park “hang glider” ride, something her parents did not expect from this girl who had been so “afraid of heights.”

Not all fears resolve after one listening time like this. For some fears that go deeper, like separation anxiety, it may take many instances of slowly edging toward the fear before you begin to see a resolution. For more examples of how to gently set reasonable limits around fears, check out this story on how a mom helped her son overcome a bee sting trauma that left him refusing to go outside for weeks, and how this mom helped her daughter overcome her sudden fear of going upstairs alone.

Conquer your own fears with Listening Partnerships

Listening to our children’s big, fearful feelings can be confusing for us as parents. We may worry we’re pushing too hard or scaring our child even more as they show us just how scared they are. Finding the right balance of support and challenge is tricky, and we don’t have many models for how to do this.  

Through it all, it’s important that you are being listened to and receiving support, too. It’s not easy listening to a scared child. Their wild release of feelings can easily trigger your own anxiety, worry, and even anger. The more you have a chance to take your fears, worries, and upsets about your child’s fearfulness to a listener, the more attentive, warm, and confident you’ll be in listening to your child.

Hand in Hand uses a tool called Listening Partnerships where parents take equal turns sharing their parenting struggles and triumphs without interrupting or giving each other advice. Our understanding of how to support our child well in overcoming their fears can become clearer as we get listened to. You can use this time to explore how it is for you to parent your child, how much you want them to feel safe and secure, how frustrating it is that they’re afraid. You can explore what you’ve tried, what you’ve learned, what’s working, and what’s not working. You can look at how your fears were handled when you were younger. This time to explore and notice your own feelings can give you greater insight into your child and yourself.

Another powerful way to help your child triumph over fear is by asking for support in tackling your own fears. If we’re going to ask our child to step out of their comfort zone, we need to be willing to step out of our own too. It doesn’t have to be the same fear your child has, just pick one that troubles you and get to work on it! In this post, UK Hand in Hand Instructor Steph Parker writes about how she successfully released her fears around going to the dentist through her Listening Partnership. This listening time not only frees us up but also gives us a greater capacity to support our children well.

The listening tools, when used together, are a powerful antidote to the powerlessness we can feel in the face of fear. They can remind us we don’t have to stay stuck in fear with our child nor push them to conquer their fears on their own. Instead, we can use these tools to gently, lovingly, and patiently lead our child through their fears and back to their natural state of confidence and curiosity in the world.

If you’re ready to tackle fear and build confidence with the support of an experienced Hand in Hand Instructor, join Michelle in her next Starter Class or schedule a free “get to know you” session.

Does your child have sleep fears? Helping Your Children Sleep is an online class that will help you pinpoint fear and address it supportively.

The post From Avoidance to Confidence: Helping Our Children Triumph Over Fear appeared first on Hand in Hand Parenting.

Velma talks about how she helped her son face his separation anxiety, enjoy his martial arts classes and build resilience. Velma is a Certified Instructor wi…

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In this Facebook Live, Certified Instructor Marilupe de la Calle answers parents questions around separation anxiety.

From the Hand in Hand Toolbox

Learn more about How Children’s Emotions Work in this free booklet

Help your child build confidence and independence with our self-guided course Say Goodbye to Separation Anxiety

Find your online village within the Hand in Hand Parent Club Community.

Reduce overwhelm and stress as you deepen your connection to your children.  Get daily coaching and support around your biggest parenting challenges.  Learn to implement the Hand in Hand Tools with confidence for consistent results as you create more cooperation and peace in your home. TWO WEEKS FREE! You are not alone! Welcome to your Parent Community!

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My husband had been exceptionally busy with studying and work. He had had a lot of trips away from home over the last month, and when he was home he was studying. He had definitely not been around the kids as much as they were used to.

Family Vacation Prep Gets Stressful

Now it had come to the first day of the holidays, and we were about to get into the car to start a do a whole day road trip with all three of my kids.

I was going all around the house packing last minute stuff, while my husband was out fixing up the car. We were a little all over the place organizing! Meanwhile, the kids were just nagging, squabbling, teasing and fighting around us.

I kept trying to tell them that we were almost ready to go. I asked them to be a little bit more patient. As you can imagine it only got worse!

A part of me knew that because my husband and I were completely not focussed on them they might be feeling disconnected. Their behavior was a way to let us know exactly how they were feeling. (For more on my thinking behind this, read the post When Your Kids Will Do Anything to Get Attention)

But while one part of me knew they were showing us that they needed attention another part of me was really stimulated.

I found myself wanting to ask, “How ungrateful are you!? We are working hard to make this trip happen for us as a family and you are doing nothing except making it harder for us!”

A Sudden Realisation Into Why My Kids Were Squabbling and Fighting

I thought that I didn’t have the patience that day to give them all the attention they needed, and so instead I had a conversation with them about being siblings. About how siblings will always be there for each other. About how they needed to treat each other better because friends can come and go but siblings will always be there.

Yadda yadda.

It was one of those typical conversations that I knew I might regret, but I really just didn’t have it in me that day to do anything else.

What jolted me out of that mindset was something my son said. His words took me quite by surprise.

He said, “Yeah, but dads come and go. They travel and leave their kids behind.”

This was a really powerful moment for me. Suddenly I saw how hurt my son was feeling and how much he really needed to feel connected.

At that point, I decided that the trip could wait. It occurred to me that we were actually in no rush to get out of the house that minute, and so I stooped what I was doing, sat on the couch and asked them all to come sit with me.

They all jumped on me of course, so I had one on top of me and the other two under my arms as I hugged them.

I told them that we were about to go on a family trip where we would all be together, all the time. I told them how much we love them, even when we can’t physically be with them.

How Redirecting My Attention Helped

We just sat there for a while hugging, until my husband walked in, and I signaled to him that the kids needed a minute.  “Our son was just saying how much he missed you while you were gone.” He immediately got that something was going on, and jumped right in to hug them all too, telling them how he felt while he was away from them, and how much he loves them all.

That day we got into the car and went on a road trip that lasted the whole day. Surprisingly it went very well, unlike any road trip we had done in the past!

The kids were happy, they were relaxed and they were noticing all the beautiful trees and animals along the way.

The world was a good place that day!

Get this ultimate guide to sibling rivalry – learn what drives it, and how to respond in a way that helps kids build close relationships

One Unusual Start to the Vacation That Definitely Paid Off

When we woke up the next morning, we decided that we would take turns having special time with each child. We each did 20 minutes with every child and so the whole thing took two hours that morning. Usually, on vacation, my husband has every minute of the day planned, so it was a really big moment for me to see him put all plans aside and to really appreciate and be excited about this time with our children.

We both felt like we all needed to feel the love and connection that we have towards each other, and that was our priority that day.

We took turns where I would take one child and go off for 20 minutes then come back and another child goes with him for 20 minutes and so on. For me, it was really amazing to have 20 minutes with each child on the same day, which is a rare occasion in our house, as we usually have Special Time on different days. I really reveled in how different each of my children is, and how each one made use of their time with me in a different way.

I focused all of my attention on them like there was nothing else in the world that mattered. I was excited about anything they were excited about, and I really felt like I stepped into each of their little worlds for 20 minutes.

At some point my eldest daughter wanted to exercise by jogging/running, and so even though we were in a relatively busy area, we went on the sidewalk and she set the start and end point and told me to set the timer, and so I did! I stood there cheering her on like she was running a marathon and I couldn’t care less what any of the people around us were thinking, I was just having fun with my daughter.

Each of them came back with an Ice cream at the end of their special time with my husband, which was ok!! When I mentioned, “Ice cream! really??”

He responded with “Well, you told me to let them lead the way, so I did!!”

I thought that was really sweet. I was just happy to see what was happening and how happy the kids were from the attention they were getting from us.

How a Few Minutes Undivided Attention Makes for a Happy Family Vacation

They were completely different for the rest of the day, maybe even for the rest of the trip now I think about it. They were getting along better, they were happy, they were enthusiastic about life and they were laughing a lot!

Those few minutes of attention before we left and on the first day really set the tone for our whole trip. I can’t believe we hadn’t ever done this on all of our previous trips.

I could tell that Special Time wasn’t the easiest thing in the world for my husband to do but he did it! And, as for me, I had this really deep sense of pride in what we had accomplished. I felt more confident in myself as a parent and in my husband, and thankful for stepping into that journey with me.

More Resources for Parenting Through Holidays and Changes in Routine

Not all vacations go as smoothly as this. Read about what to do when your child has big feelings while you are away Why Does My Kid Lose It When We Are Having the Best Time?

Is your partner on board with your parenting? If not, read Parenting from Different Pages

Get this chapter on Special Time from our book free here

Alya el Wakil is an instructor in training with Hand in Hand Parenting.

Hand in Hand Parent Club: Welcome to Stressfree Parenting

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Hand in Hand Parenting Certified Instructors Laura Minnigerode, Austin, TX, and Grace Fleming, Santa Cruz, CA, host their final Facebook Live series on Babie…

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